tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post1216369374923052695..comments2024-03-26T06:17:49.527-07:00Comments on Had Enough Therapy?: The Problem with Unconditional LoveStuart Schneidermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12784043736879991769noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-25464775276638240682013-09-18T09:17:03.949-07:002013-09-18T09:17:03.949-07:00This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.Mariamhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01812964438797620835noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-84776778586342230192013-07-04T22:37:12.365-07:002013-07-04T22:37:12.365-07:00This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17145493398639230862noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-29800909610795728332013-06-25T17:19:48.744-07:002013-06-25T17:19:48.744-07:00The problemwith talking about 'love' is th...The problemwith talking about 'love' is that modern people do not think it necessary to define the term. The Geeeks had four, may-be five different words for 'love'. They at least attempted to define what they were talking about. Moderns assume everyone knows what love is. As a life coach,Stuart, do you just assume everyone you coach knows what the word means?Bobbyenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-51002709549848061872013-06-25T16:50:21.573-07:002013-06-25T16:50:21.573-07:00I did a search and found this article from a few y...I did a search and found this article from a few years ago, standing firmly against "positive or negative conditioning". I don't want to agree, but unsure why. I guess I agree against articifial rewards or punishments, but support direct rewards of acomplishment and consequences. Like the Ant and the Grasshopper fable, the Ant may or may not show compassion for the lazy grasshopper when winter comes, but I can see a need to "let decisions play out" and expect the grasshopper to ask for help rather than expect it.<br /><br />http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/15/health/15mind.html<br />"The studies found that both positive and negative conditional parenting were harmful, but in slightly different ways. The positive kind sometimes succeeded in getting children to work harder on academic tasks, but at the cost of unhealthy feelings of “internal compulsion.” Negative conditional parenting didn’t even work in the short run; it just increased the teenagers’ negative feelings about their parents."<br /><br />"Alfie Kohn is the author of 11 books about human behavior and education, including “Unconditional Parenting” and “Punished by Rewards.”"<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-18468403744319236122013-06-25T12:35:22.270-07:002013-06-25T12:35:22.270-07:00I don't like either/or questions so where is t...I don't like either/or questions so where is the middle ground. I think of E.F. Schumacher's "Two types problems", convergent (technical problems with well defined criteria) and divergent (problems where you come up with radially different solutions based on which aspect of the problem has your atttention.)<br /><br />I guess the key idea for me in regards to love is to see external expressions of love are mirrors of internal expressions, so if you're an addict and shows yourself "unconditional love" then you allow yourself to act out destructively, or irresponsibly and believe you're powerless to change, because (fill in rationalization). <br /><br />So a difference is if you love an addict (or a family member), you can leave them, kick them out, etc, but if you're an addict, you're stuck with yourself. Like I had to evict my brother from my house because of drug use and I couldn't trust his friends in my house when I wasn't home, and tried some childish rules with him (no one in the house when no one else is home, or all asleep), but he rebelled from the rules, and so I went through a formal eviction process to a judge, and he agreed to 6 weeks, and the eviction records would be sealed if he followed through, so I had to play hardball to his excuses. I never bothered challenging his innocents on drug use, I had enough evidence. I had to accept he could be dead on the street in 3 months, but it couldn't be my fault. And he did end up dying 3 years later, although not on the street, and I was lucky enough to find peace with him, and he admitted he might have died in my house from an overdose without being homeless in the winter to get him to agree to go into a drug program.<br /><br />I don't know about unconditional love, but I never stopped caring about him, never stopped wanting him to succeed. I knew he had a harder life than me, dropped out of school in 9th grade with learning disabilities that made him hate school. He worked hard, and was terrible with what money he had, but he was also generous.<br /><br />Before I evicted him, I talked to friends about how to handle it, and negotiate, and we role-played, so one friend said whenever I said what I needed, I'd look at him for agreement, and he tried to think of any excuse and I'd just keep working with that, and he said he could wrap me around his finger and get me to back out of anything, just by refusing to agree, to accept my request was fair and reasonable. So that helped me be more firm, and see he needed rules of behavior from me, even if he objected.<br /><br />I'll never be a parent, but needing to parent my brother somewhat helped me see more what its like. My brother rightfully rebelled, but really he was angry at his own weakness, and wanted someone to push against. He was older and always bigger than me, but I stood up to him, and I was willing to get in a physical fight with my adult brother, not because I wanted to hurt him, but because that physical aggression was needed to prove I was serious. My body language said I wasn't going to back down, and I still felt his pain the whole time, because he had to make hard choices while I was safe, with a home, and a job and a life worth protecting, while he had none.<br /><br />I perhaps don't even know what's conditional or unconditional love there. Maybe conditional just meant that I had to give him the chance to fail, and not try to save him, so conditional love means he had to see in me a reflection that was strong enough to carry the pain he felt, while unconditional love just wants to be sad and regretful.<br /><br />Didn't mean to share all that, but just thinking about my experiences. I remember the phrase, "He's not heavy, he's my brother", so he could be a scoundral, and he'd still be part of me, so that's the reflective aspect - we need both kinds of strength inside, so both come out in our relationships, and ideally someone is there with the right skills and caring when you need a mirror.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-22579708006024318682013-06-25T12:32:22.181-07:002013-06-25T12:32:22.181-07:00I have what are called "issues" associa...I have what are called "issues" associated with the things we call "money" and "work."<br /><br />At one time I had trouble earning money to pay my bills with a male therapist. Alluding to the unpaid bill, he says to me, "Do you beleive in unconditional love?"<br /><br />So here is the condition imposed on his "love": you have to pay for it! Where did my "therapist," a Christian man who beleives in the ideal of God's divine love, learn to send the message, "You have to pay for "love?"<br /><br />I will give you a clue. All adults are giant former infants who had no money and offered love to get love: which did not always occur under reasonable and reciprocal conditions.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com