tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post1924873322063437815..comments2024-03-26T06:17:49.527-07:00Comments on Had Enough Therapy?: The Case of the Befuddled Sad SopStuart Schneidermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12784043736879991769noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-81169105747828843802017-06-08T15:59:02.511-07:002017-06-08T15:59:02.511-07:00So she goes and says "other people have been ...So she goes and says "other people have been talking about you blab, blab, blab". What a weasel. If you're going to say something say "I think etc, etc" and accept the consequences of your statement to whomever it is.Jameshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13642228725661059539noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-74626304771492625392017-06-08T13:36:17.397-07:002017-06-08T13:36:17.397-07:00Stuart: Obviously, Solnit’s advice is nuanced. Ref...Stuart: Obviously, Solnit’s advice is nuanced. Reflecting someone back to them, helping them to see how they look to others, is a difficult and tricky enterprise. Because you have to do it without saying it, without making them feel attacked. Yet, when BSS told her friend what everyone was saying, said friend felt immediately attacked and… counterattacked.<br /><br />It is definitely nuanced. Some people are more sensitive than others, and we're all sensitive about different things. Even when someone asks you your opinion, or your observations on some conflict, you sometimes still have to ask "Do you really want to know?" And at least that warning suggests you should procede with caution before saying yes.<br /><br />Stuart: In truth, BSS draws the correct conclusion: she should have done as her other friends had done and distanced herself from someone whose behavior has embarrassed the group. One understands the impulse to help, but the drunken friend did not ask for the help. <br /><br />I agree withdrawing from someone is a common choice, and if you do that consciously, you should be prepared to answer why if the offending person asks. And again, that's where you can tell the truth, and since you've already proven you're willing to retreat the listener has no leverage in return. They can only hear and decide if the feedback is helpful.<br /><br />The other tricky thing is even if a person acts defensively, even if they counter-attack, it still might be something the offender needs to hear, and she may take a few days, weeks, or months to process, and observe her own behavior before finding some merit.<br /><br />I don't know if alcohol is a good excuse for a bad drunk, but reduced inhibitions will show things that don't come out otherwise. Even something like recording a drunk person (video, or even taking notes) might help, if you use it not to shame, but just to give the person objective feedback, and allow them to judge themselves when they are sober again. Rationalizations will still be there, but they might have slightly less power.<br /><br />It does seem like women, being expected to be more agreeable, have more problem with assertiveness, and so it more comes out as aggressiveness, like drunken rants, and yet there's a different sort of drunkenness in self-righteousness, those moments where you're sure the other person is in the wrong, and you can judge them harshly as "tough love", especially if you're not ready to hear the same in return.<br />Ares Olympushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09726811306826601686noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-14069143909258497662017-06-08T08:12:43.978-07:002017-06-08T08:12:43.978-07:00I'm glad I don't do therapy culture.I'm glad I don't do therapy culture.Sam L.https://www.blogger.com/profile/00996809377798862214noreply@blogger.com