tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post3870137743450082146..comments2024-03-29T04:06:37.402-07:00Comments on Had Enough Therapy?: Does Your Marriage Need a Performance Review?Stuart Schneidermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12784043736879991769noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-8268641339929809142015-11-18T04:10:21.055-08:002015-11-18T04:10:21.055-08:00This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.Melissahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13172662633176259939noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-68726012871615027032015-10-07T18:59:40.305-07:002015-10-07T18:59:40.305-07:00O Olympian One: Do you have a job? -$$$O Olympian One: Do you have a job? -$$$Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-26748598158762479672015-10-07T04:55:26.370-07:002015-10-07T04:55:26.370-07:00Miss $$$,
I'm not married, but also not avail...Miss $$$,<br /><br />I'm not married, but also not available, if that's what you're asking.<br /><br />I am a follower of Erich Fromm who had lots of idea to consider. He talks about character too, maybe like Stuart.<br /><br />https://archive.org/stream/TheArtOfLoving/43799393-The-Art-of-Loving-Erich-Fromm_djvu.txt<br />---------------<br />Love is not primarily a relationship to a specific person ; it is an attitude, an orientation of character which determines the relate dness of a person to the world as a whole, not toward one "object" of love. <br /><br />If a person loves only one other person and is indifferent to the rest of his fellow men, his love is not love but a symbiotic attachment, or an enlarged egotism. Yet, most people believe that love is constituted by the object, not by the faculty. In fact, they even believe that it is a proof of the intensity of their love when they do not love anybody except the "loved" person. This is the same fallacy which we have already mentioned above. <br /><br />Because one does not see that love is an activity, a power of the soul, one believes that all that is necessary to find is the right object — and that everything goes by itself afterward. <br /><br />This attitude can be compared to that of a man who wants to paint but who, instead of learning the art, claims that he has just to wait for the right object, and that he will paint beautifully when he finds it. <br /><br />If I truly love one person I love all persons, I love the world, I love life. If I can say to some- body else, "I love you," I must be able to say, "I love in you everybody, I love through you the world, I love in you also myself." <br /><br />Saying that love is an orientation which refers to all and not to one does not imply, however, the idea that there are no differences between various types of love, which depend on the kind of object which is loved. <br />---------------<br />Ares Olympushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09726811306826601686noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-15329272669377130352015-10-07T04:37:08.766-07:002015-10-07T04:37:08.766-07:00This comment has been removed by the author.Ares Olympushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09726811306826601686noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-56122150805265378752015-10-06T11:37:34.046-07:002015-10-06T11:37:34.046-07:00Mr. Olympia: Are you married? -$$$Mr. Olympia: Are you married? -$$$Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-67180034099584334222015-10-06T11:14:21.665-07:002015-10-06T11:14:21.665-07:00I can bet the NYTimes Modern Man would jump at the...I can bet the NYTimes Modern Man would jump at the chance however, after he has bought his wife some new shoes.KCFleminghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00124201866124646626noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-14290178252844778522015-10-06T11:13:26.857-07:002015-10-06T11:13:26.857-07:00Excellent blog post.
I cannot describe the horror...Excellent blog post.<br /><br />I cannot describe the horror I feel in the idea of an every six month relationship check.<br /><br />I'd rather eat glass.<br /><br />Why do most ideas like this seem designed <i>solely</i> for women?<br /><br />KCFleminghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00124201866124646626noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-9821275790119075672015-10-06T08:25:46.820-07:002015-10-06T08:25:46.820-07:00Oh oh what a mess. Is there any hope in constructi...Oh oh what a mess. Is there any hope in constructive feedback in that minefield?<br /><br />And given that most divorces are initiated by wives, husbands probably should be on the defensive, ready to look for signs of trouble.<br /><br />Even so I agree this assertion might be marketing propaganda:<br />"Dr. Cordova says while men often resist marriage therapy, they tend to appreciate marriage reviews, because they focus on a couple’s strengths and goals, as well as solving problems without blame."<br /><br />Myself, whether or not a faciliator is used, I see value in a 6-month effort since that's long enough to set goals that need attention, and test your resolve (like new years resolutions), and short enough that unrealistic goals set at the last meeting can be refined or clarified. I'd even go for 3 month mid-reviews.<br /><br />And this would seem to agree:<br />Stuart: How about some exercises in character building, in good behavior on the part of each member of the couple? And how about a clearer division of household labor, of the rules and roles that pertain in the marriage? <br /><br />Actually given money is the #1 conflict in marriages, even if nothing was discussed except money, it probably would save many couples. But perhaps this is so important it deserves its own meeting.<br /><br />But the more subtle problems also worry me, long term bad habits that can corrode trust and safety, but its still hard for many people to say what's not working for them. <br /><br />Some might be clearcut - like "I don't like it when you swear in front of the children," it would seem to be a concrete statement that can be verified, and ideally the "perpetrator" will accept the charge as true AND see why they shouldn't do that, and then make a commitment to improve. And when you make a promise to your spouse on changing behavior, you can also help them by asking for feedback when you regress to hold habits, right? OTOH, some behaviors will be less clearcut, and the best middle way less clear, like the clutter vs neatness predicament, when both can be right in degrees.<br /><br />On the hardest side I recall articles like this:<br />http://www.businessinsider.com/4-behaviors-can-predict-divorce-2015-1<br />---------<br />One recent study of 373 newlywed couples, for example, found that couples who yelled at each other, showed contempt for each other, or shut off conversation about an issue within the first year of marriage were more likely to divorce as far as 16 years down the road.<br /><br />So what do these four "apocalyptic" behaviors actually look like in a relationship?<br />1. Contempt<br />2. Criticism<br />3. Defensiveness<br />4. Stonewalling<br />---------<br /><br />It is still hard to discuss, so such evaluations are almost better as self-evaluations. So disussion might start by each spouse evaluating their own vices, and saying what they'd like to work on, and as well might be surprised if self-criticism far exceeds imagined criticism by a spouse.<br /><br />Anyway, I trust its hard, and there are skills in how to listen, without taking criticism personally, and how to move conflict back to needs. I'd probably go with Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication as a hopeful skillset, including empathy which Stuart dislikes, but perhaps there are skills in empathy that are different from empathy as we imagine it to be? I'm sure I imagine wrong more than not.<br />https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eF6kMJxOpvI NonViolent Communication Marshall RosenbergAres Olympushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09726811306826601686noreply@blogger.com