tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post4653635017583183066..comments2024-03-18T08:02:51.154-07:00Comments on Had Enough Therapy?: Overcoming Narcissism By Asking for AdviceStuart Schneidermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12784043736879991769noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-12014915305867556372015-04-27T11:36:38.132-07:002015-04-27T11:36:38.132-07:00During a period of affliction with intense residua...During a period of affliction with intense residual pain I had been participating in a weekly 2-hour men's therapy group for more than a year. The day I managed to fend off very intense suicidal impulses with even stronger inhibitions came right after the men's group joined in a well-intending round of criticized me for not following advice and not taking coaching. The therapist agreed with the group. Their criticism did nothing to improve my fragile self-esteem.<br /><br />Advice is easy to give but hard to follow.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-86491064364948260212015-04-26T16:51:27.391-07:002015-04-26T16:51:27.391-07:00I've been thinking more about advice-taking, a...I've been thinking more about advice-taking, and found this blog. I thought it was interesting for questioning the motives of the advice giver. Perhaps that's a very narcissistic thing to do, but it also seems like useful perspective for consideration.<br /><br />It is also interesting to me that I do have opinionated friends, and over time I create "internalized voices" that match them, and I can even debate in my mind, so sometimes I don't even have to ask advice, but just ask "What would Jesus do?" or whomever, and take your best guess, and then see how you react to that advice whether you agree or not.<br /><br />Perhaps its just like internalizing your parents. They looked out for you for so long, and then their perspectives become a part of yours, even long after they've died, for good or bad.<br /><br />On the good side, even if you have an internalized view of someone else's advice, you can also actually ask, if people are still alive, and see how accurate your prediction is, and if you're surprised, then you can spend a moment not assuming you know them, and remember they might have other ideas different than you imagined.<br /><br />http://tinybuddha.com/blog/when-and-when-not-to-take-advice/<br /><br />Consider who is giving you the advice. Some useful questions to ask yourself include:<br />•Do they have your best interests at heart?<br />•Are they biased about your situation for any reason? (For example, did they make a mistake in a similar situation which is still haunting them?)<br />•Do they understand you and your situation?<br />•Has their advice been helpful in the past?<br />•Do they have similar values to you? If they think money is the most important thing in the world and you don’t (or vice versa) then their advice might not be right for you.<br />Ares Olympushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09726811306826601686noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-85079402872455975542015-04-26T12:40:05.360-07:002015-04-26T12:40:05.360-07:00"If you are starting out on your career, you ..."If you are starting out on your career, you should always give full consideration to the views of those older and wiser than you. Often they will offer advice, whether you like it or not. If they do not do so, ask for it."<br /><br />I don't think it's necessary or desirable to restrict advice-asking to those who are older, wiser, or organizationally more senior. I've often sought advice from people who were younger than I and organizationally on much lower levels. <br /><br />David Fosterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15464681514800720063noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-26961459169563729742015-04-25T14:39:42.098-07:002015-04-25T14:39:42.098-07:00Re: For decades now therapists have been encouragi...Re: For decades now therapists have been encouraging people to introspect, to get in touch with their feelings, to follow their bliss… thus, to become more self-absorbed, more self-involved and more narcissistic.<br /><br />Yes, therapists must be the problem. What was life like before this scourge encouraged us in such poor directions.<br /><br />But I think it was Mythologist Joseph Campbell who said “Follow your bliss”, and by that he meant do things that make you “lose yourself”, while your actual attention is outward in the world. Still, it’s easy to misinterpret, and for picking a college majors, it might be bad advice.<br /><br />In regards to taking advice, I love advice, and I love not taking it almost as much, contrasting options and making my own choice. So I put little boxes up and say “What other people think” and then when things go badly I can say “Well, I guess I should have tried that other way”, and take personal responsibility for the results.<br /><br />Myself, I’d rather not ASSUME that narcissism is taught by therapy. Are there studies on this, or is it just an OBVIOUS consequence? Is it ALWAYS a consequence, or perhaps only in certain people? Perhaps we can identify which patience are at risk of such misinterpretations?<br /><br />Re: By asking for advice, you are striking a blow against your narcissistic tendencies.<br /><br />Again, I’m not sure this is true. I admit I’m a man, and asking for directions is something I dislike, but this morning I got disoriented biking to a running race, and I asked for directions, and it helped get me unconfused. I made it to the start line barely 30 seconds early, so I was lucky.<br /><br />I do pride myself on my direction-sense, but I also know when it fails me, so it’s frustrating, but no humiliation was involved, just gratitude.<br /><br />Re: Naturally, some people ask for advice because they want to flatter their superiors. Some people follow advice because they have told—by people like me—that’s it’s the right thing to do.<br /><br />I confess I use questions for “ice breakers”, to talk to new people, or to redirect attention away from me, and see what someone else thinks, and it seems a natural position for me. I wonder what other people think, and you’ll probably never learn if I agree or disagree, unless I really disagree strongly.<br /><br />Re: If you ask for advice and act as though nothing has changed, then you are, by definition, being an insincere flatterer. If you ask for advice and then take it you are being sincere. This is true even if you do not believe that the advice is very good.<br /><br />Okay, this sounds like bad advice to me. I’m not even sure it means, and I HOPE no one takes my advice so seriously! YUCK! I might be wrong!<br /><br />Ares Olympushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09726811306826601686noreply@blogger.com