tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post4777751050868398225..comments2024-03-26T06:17:49.527-07:00Comments on Had Enough Therapy?: An Emotional AffairStuart Schneidermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12784043736879991769noreply@blogger.comBlogger37125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-49394002219040340282015-04-27T21:51:21.223-07:002015-04-27T21:51:21.223-07:00I read her story several months ago and then just ...I read her story several months ago and then just saw your comments Mr. Schneider man today. I agree that she had a choice and she could have chosen a better way. Why couldn't she find groups with women and kids? If her husband did not work hard she would be upset about that. What if she happened to be breadwinner and roles were reversed? I am sure she would have felt the same way her husband did...what if he befriended a kind female Brit while she was working long hours to take care of the family. Thanks for your comments.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-18950324834437914622011-09-04T14:10:15.863-07:002011-09-04T14:10:15.863-07:00It can't truly have effect, I consider like th...It can't truly have effect, I consider like this.posicionamiento en googlehttp://www.pcwebsite.netnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-47310119173994245092011-03-30T10:08:53.712-07:002011-03-30T10:08:53.712-07:00I guess I come from a place of wishing everyone wo...I guess I come from a place of wishing everyone would do all that they can to protect and care for their marriage. <br /><br />Especially when children are involved.<br /><br />The husband put his family at risk w/ this move. I think that since he was asking his wife to give up much so he could pursue his dreams, he would have done whatever he could to try to make his wife happy. <br /><br />Had they not moved, there is still no guarantee that they'd have stayed married. But, they certainly would have had a better shot at it. <br /><br />And even if his marriage did end up failing, he would have at least been living in the same country as his child and could have fought for custody if his wife went off the deep end.<br /><br />I read some of this woman's other articles and saw where she said the child's father had not seen their child for THREE years...three years from the time she left him.<br /><br />If I had been this father, I'd have fought hard to prevent a morally bankrupt woman from raising my child. And at the very least, I'd have moved to the same country as my child so I could be active in his life.<br /><br />It seems to me that he offered up his family on the alter of his career advancement.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-83022797593798736602011-03-27T12:22:31.101-07:002011-03-27T12:22:31.101-07:00When I was speaking about leadership, I was thinki...When I was speaking about leadership, I was thinking of the wife. She could have managed the situation far better than she did, and I assume that her failure was based on some kind of overpowering emotion.<br /><br />I am not sure we can really get very far by questioning whether or not they should have come to NY. Often these reactions are unpredictable, and, besides, we pick up the story with the two of them in NY.<br /><br />If this woman is married to an ambitious and very capable man and if his career advancement requires him to change locales, I would expect that she would do what most women will do: pick up and move.<br /><br />If she vetoes the move, for whatever reason, I suspect that this will not do very much good for the marriage.<br />I admit that I am seeing this through a fairly traditional lens of male/female relationships, and that, in all likelihood, the wife sees herself as an aggrieved party, even if she did agree to the move.<br /><br />But I have rarely seen a marriage work where the wife makes herself an obstacle to a man's career advancement.Stuart Schneidermanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12784043736879991769noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-31577049075264092342011-03-26T15:00:17.521-07:002011-03-26T15:00:17.521-07:00When you spoke of leadership did you have the husb...When you spoke of leadership did you have the husband or the wife in mind?<br /><br />"In a strange way it's about leadership. As Eisenhower once said: Leadership is getting some to do what has to be done because they want to do it."<br /><br />This kind of leadership is not seen often and certainly not in most marriages.<br /><br />Requests in marriage slip very quickly into selfish demands, if the reply to the request is, "No."<br /><br />I think there has to be a willingness to figure out a solution to what ever conflict is occurring that will make both partners happy.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-25842524446500405422011-03-26T14:59:05.095-07:002011-03-26T14:59:05.095-07:00When you spoke of leadership did you have the husb...When you spoke of leadership did you have the husband or the wife in mind?<br /><br />"In a strange way it's about leadership. As Eisenhower once said: Leadership is getting some to do what has to be done because they want to do it."<br /><br />This kind of leadership is not seen often and certainly not in most marriages.<br /><br />Requests in marriage slip very quickly into selfish demands, if the reply to the request is, "No."<br /><br />I think there has to be a willingness to figure out a solution to what ever conflict is occurring that will make both partners happy.<br /><br /> <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Respect is the key to success in any negotiation.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-73266056106085525262011-03-26T14:40:45.634-07:002011-03-26T14:40:45.634-07:00"I thought that the emotional affair was an e..."I thought that the emotional affair was an effort to punish her husband... which is really not a sign of any positive feeling about the marriage."<br /><br />I don't think she was trying to punish her husband at all. <br /><br />She agreed to move reluctantly. She did it b/c her H wanted to grab this career opportunity and she did not want to be the one to ruin it for him.<br /><br />In her mind she sacrificed what she wanted for his happiness. <br /><br />After a period of time, her "taker" appeared and began to demands that her H make some sacrifices for her. When he refused to make time for her, she convinced herself that he did not love her, and did not care about her happiness like she had his.<br /><br />When she met OM, it then became very easy for her to believe she was entitled to have OM, if he made her happy.<br /><br />Her affair w/ OM, had nothing to do w/ her H or her M. It was all about HER. And what would make HER happy.<br /><br />It wasn't about punishing her H it was about making what was broke inside her feel better. <br /><br />Her M was vulnerable, but she was the one who threw the hand grenade into it to finish it off for good.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-69780067006395224212011-03-26T14:33:50.790-07:002011-03-26T14:33:50.790-07:00"As always, we're flying blind here. We d..."As always, we're flying blind here. We do not know the details of his work schedule and we do not know how she presented her requests."<br /><br />Well, granted that if she made her requests to spend time w/ him in a manner that was most obnoxious, it certainly wouldn't inspire many positive feelings for her. But, would that absolve him from his responsibility to try to care for his wife? To meet her needs?<br /><br />" upwards of 100 hours a week--"<br /><br />If either of these people were my child, I'd have strongly encouraged them not to make this move. <br /><br />If he was my son, I'd have told him that he has no business moving his wife away from her friends and family to another country only to work every waking hour at a new job.<br /><br />That kind of job would be best suited for a single man. Certainly not for a married one w/ a young child.<br /><br />"I am not at all confident that recreation would have solved the problem. Even though it is a good thing to have regular recreational activities, I sense that she was very resentful about where she was, and that she felt that she was competing with his job."<br /><br />Her resentments are the exact reason that I believe spending recreational time alone together would have soothed her resentments. <br /><br />It would have been difficult for her to nurse her resentments when she was having one on one time w/ her H having fun w/ him.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-74266678124571851412011-03-25T12:24:46.937-07:002011-03-25T12:24:46.937-07:00As always, we're flying blind here. We do not ...As always, we're flying blind here. We do not know the details of his work schedule and we do not know how she presented her requests.<br /><br />It often happens that people who work very long hours-- upwards of 100 hours a week-- do not have the energy to do much of anything that is fun.<br /><br />I am not at all confident that recreation would have solved the problem. Even though it is a good thing to have regular recreational activities, I sense that she was very resentful about where she was, and that she felt that she was competing with his job.<br /><br />I thought that the emotional affair was an effort to punish her husband... which is really not a sign of any positive feeling about the marriage.<br /><br />We might say that her husband made her do it, and that might be true, but we only have her story and her story does not make her look very good.<br /><br />It's worth noting, as I am often reminded, that sometimes what matters is how you word the request. Word it one way and you will get a flat No. Word it another way and you get a Yes.<br /><br />In a strange way it's about leadership. As Eisenhower once said: Leadership is getting some to do what has to be done because they want to do it.<br /><br />Admittedly, this is difficult. To some people it will feel insurmountable. Some people will feel that if two people are in love or are married, one need but ask the other to do something and the other person will naturally want to do it.<br /><br />Often enough it happens that the most reasonable requests and suggestions and advice are turned down for no good reason.<br /><br />Since I give advice for a living, I have seen very, very often that phrasing and tone of voice can spell the difference between advice that is taken and advice that is rejected.<br /><br />Strange, but true.Stuart Schneidermanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12784043736879991769noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-83577776632612925902011-03-25T10:51:43.802-07:002011-03-25T10:51:43.802-07:00"If a man compromises his career success beca..."If a man compromises his career success because his wife needs him at home, it might very well happen that he becomes resentful of her. Especially as he sees his colleagues move ahead or receive better compensation."<br /><br />I'm not convinced that her H couldn't have carved out at least 15 hrs per week out of the 110 hours of wake time he had in a week to do things alone w/ his wife... Even if he worked an 80 hour work week.<br /><br />The thing is, they had to find recreational activities that they both enjoyed doing. Their time together should have been the most fun they had all week.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-2487402613461922852011-03-25T10:44:07.609-07:002011-03-25T10:44:07.609-07:00"Thanks, Anon, for continuing the conversatio..."Thanks, Anon, for continuing the conversation."<br /><br />Thank you, Stuart for the continued conversation too.<br /><br />"In truth, we do not know whether she made any efforts to establish a life for herself in NY. She does not say that she did."<br /><br />When I said she built her own house, I didn't mean she embraced NYC. Only that she did have her own roles to play in her own life.<br /><br />"If a man has sufficient flexibility with his work so that he can spend more time at home, well and good. I suspect that that was not the situation here."<br /><br />And yet she gave at least one example where she asked her H to go look at a church w/ her and her H declined. So even when he wasn't working, he was not available to her.<br /><br />"If a man compromises his career success because his wife needs him at home, it might very well happen that he becomes resentful of her. Especially as he sees his colleagues move ahead or receive better compensation."<br /><br />Oh, I agree completely!<br /><br />I believe a spouse should never agree to do anything that he/she doesn't really want to do. B/c doing so will always result in resentment.<br /><br />When my cousin's wife asked him to come home early to help her at home, he told her, No way! He said that after working all day the idea of coming home to do housework or help w/ the kids would only make him resentful. <br /><br />Besides, when the two of them were dating he didn't leave work to rush over to her to help her at her job so why should he do so now that they were married.<br /><br />What he was willing to do was to take her out every evening so that they could have some fun together. <br /><br />Later he said that when they returned home feeling reconnected and happy, doing the dishes or putting the kids to bed didn't feel like an imposition to him anymore.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-63073343927625368812011-03-24T14:37:58.718-07:002011-03-24T14:37:58.718-07:00Thanks, Anon, for continuing the conversation.
In...Thanks, Anon, for continuing the conversation.<br /><br />In truth, we do not know whether she made any efforts to establish a life for herself in NY. She does not say that she did.<br /><br />We do not know if she had trouble taking care of her child. The moment when she met the man who was going to become her emotional lover, she was having trouble.<br /><br />We have no information about the husband's point of view or efforts to deal with his wife's distress.<br /><br />If a man has sufficient flexibility with his work so that he can spend more time at home, well and good. I suspect that that was not the situation here.<br /><br />From the little that we know, the husband was a journalist and he was transferred to NY. It would seem that he received something of a promotion and that he had some considerable responsibility. They do not move copy editors across the Atlantic.<br /><br />Now, what if he could not do his new responsible job well without working long hours? What if other people depended on him? <br /><br />Keep in mind, journalism has become a very difficult business. Someone who does not do his job to the fullest can very easily find himself without a job. Someone who has been transferred and promoted does not have the option to work less or to take a lesser job. That would make him a quitter and a failure. <br /><br />If a man compromises his career success because his wife needs him at home, it might very well happen that he becomes resentful of her. Especially as he sees his colleagues move ahead or receive better compensation.<br /><br />Surely, there are some marriages that can function as equal partnerships, but most involve a fairly clearly defined division of labor.Stuart Schneidermanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12784043736879991769noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-47754223306676178242011-03-24T12:04:32.070-07:002011-03-24T12:04:32.070-07:00Oh man, my second post disappeared!
grrrrrr
Let...Oh man, my second post disappeared!<br /><br />grrrrrr <br /><br />Let me try it again.<br /><br />...When he was in any room, the doors to the others were shut so he could focus his attention on the role he was playing.<br /><br />B/c he regarded his wife's complaints as a distraction he relegated her to only one room...the marriage room.<br /><br />B/c she felt totally neglected and resentful I highly doubt he got to use his marital bed much.<br /><br />She wanted to be invited into each room. She wanted to be fully integrated into his life.<br /><br />But, he wanted her to build her own house.<br /><br />Which she did. Unfortunately b/c she wasn't allowed to "decorate" any of the rooms in his house, she believed she had the right to decorate her rooms any way she wanted too. Even if that included decorating them w/ another man.<br /><br />If you own your own business outright, you have the right to make your own decisions. But, if you have a partner you should consult w/ each other and come to agreements. Otherwise your business will suffer.<br /><br />Marriage is a partnership, and decisions that are not mutually agreeable will hurt the relationship.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-24453883407367594242011-03-24T11:50:11.912-07:002011-03-24T11:50:11.912-07:00Marriage is a partnership and if decisions are not...Marriage is a partnership and if decisions are not mutually agreeable it will hurt the relationship.<br /><br />And if one spouse is VERY unhappy w/ the decisions of the other and left that way...<br /><br />divorce is just a step away.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-65102104208674982011-03-24T11:35:33.546-07:002011-03-24T11:35:33.546-07:00"Given that the family you mentioned also had..."Given that the family you mentioned also had a special needs child, the husband should certainly have provided extra help for his wife."<br /><br />My Aunt thought her DIL was too dependent on her son. <br /><br />So I guess "dependency" is in the eye of the beholder.<br /><br />As it turned out my cousin's W didn't need extra help w/ the kids she just needed her H to reconnect w/ her in a loving, fun way.<br /><br />Which turned out to be a win win for the both of them. <br /><br />"In situations I have seen it also helps if the wife has her own set of friends, her own work... so that she does not make herself completely dependent on her husband."<br /><br />I'm not convinced that this woman was completely dependent on her H. Clearly she was able to function on her own. She managed to care for their child w/o any trouble.<br /><br />Maybe we have different ideas of what dependent behavior looks like.<br /><br />Let me try this another way.<br /><br />Let's suppose her H had an imaginary house so I can show how her H's lifestyle affected her.<br /><br />Each room represents one of the roles he played in life. So there was a career room, a leisure activity room,a family room and a marriage room.<br /><br />His career room was filled w/ furniture and projects that would make him successful. We don't know what he did in his leisure time, perhaps it contained golf clubs and friends that played golf, or perhaps it had video games. Or perhaps it was completely empty. Regardless, we know that this room was closed to his wife. The family room might have a TV where he would sit in front of while he played w/ his child occasionally. And in his marriage room he had a big bed. (I'm assuming he is like most males who want to have sex w/ his wife.)<br /><br />As he made his way through his day he would visit various rooms representing the roles he played.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-66281437319567814272011-03-23T15:02:22.669-07:002011-03-23T15:02:22.669-07:00When I said that the husband could "call in o...When I said that the husband could "call in occasionally" I meant to say that if he keeps open a regular and consistent communication with his wife, that this would have been a constructive step.<br /><br />Sometimes people do have to work very long hours. They do not really have very much of a choice in the matter. <br /><br />In situations I have seen it also helps if the wife has her own set of friends, her own work... so that she does not make herself completely dependent on her husband.<br /><br />The problem we have here is that we are only getting one side of the story. The husband may have been the world's worst human being, but there are often ways to manage the situation and to bring out some of his better angels. That is the point I was trying to make.<br /><br />Clearly, the other stories are compelling, and I would agree that there are marriages where people live separately... only to discover that one or the other is having a liaison. This used to be a quality of arranged marriages.<br /><br />And there are also situations where a husband takes a less demanding job in order to spend more time at home. Given that the family you mentioned also had a special needs child, the husband should certainly have provided extra help for his wife.Stuart Schneidermanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12784043736879991769noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-2880161896820450022011-03-23T12:02:37.413-07:002011-03-23T12:02:37.413-07:00When my Aunt's son got married, his W was noth...When my Aunt's son got married, his W was nothing like his mother. I suppose you'd call her "needy". <br /><br />She had three children very quickly. Two were twins. One was developmentally challenged.<br /><br />She complained to her H that she needed his help. That she was stressed out terribly by the children.<br /><br />Her H didn't tell her that, "SHE wanted these children and agreed to take care of them, so she needed to make the best of it b/c he needed to be able to work as much as he liked."<br /><br />He didn't hire a nanny to help her w/ the children. He KNEW what she really needed. She needed him. <br /><br />And truth be told, HE needed her too.<br /><br />Even though he had a very demanding job, he scaled back his hours as much as possible, and hired a baby sitter to watch their children so he could spend time w/ his wife having fun together.<br /><br />They went to dinner, took walks, played tennis, went dancing...you get the idea.<br /><br />It wasn't long until he had his happy wife back again.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-22530385824839480922011-03-23T11:51:46.430-07:002011-03-23T11:51:46.430-07:00My Aunt had 5 children. My Uncle and Aunt lived ve...My Aunt had 5 children. My Uncle and Aunt lived very independent lives. She raised the kids and kept the home. (She even drove herself to the hospital when she was in labor) And he pursued her career. She never complained about how much her H worked. She believed it was her duty take care of the home and allow her H to work as much as he liked.<br /><br />Theirs was a loveless, passionate less marriage. <br /><br />She was surprised when her work- alcoholic husband had an affair. She wondered where he found the time to, since he always told her how busy he was.<br /><br />Since he spent very little time at home, he didn't get the chance to love his wife, and she in turn was never able to be turned on by him enough to enthusiastically make love to him. She did her "duty" as a wife though. <br /><br />He justified his affair by saying she wasn't a fun sex partner.<br /><br />This story is repeated over and over again in too many marriages.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-49615282142556033542011-03-23T11:47:40.711-07:002011-03-23T11:47:40.711-07:00"I agree with you that we can question the hu..."I agree with you that we can question the husband's actions here. After all, he did agree to the friendship at first, and then changed his mind."<br /><br />My guess is that he was never crazy about the idea of this friendship. Perhaps he felt guilty enough about not being there for his wife that he felt he didn't have the right to object.<br /><br />I'd also wager that the wife reluctantly agreed to the move to NYC. Upon arriving, she certainly didn't behave in a way that demonstrated she was looking forward to it. <br /><br />Just as the H hoped this friendship would not go to far, the wife probably hoped that her H would be more available to her once they moved than he was.<br /><br />"a good husband can stay at work as long as he likes..."<br /><br />As long as he likes? <br /><br />I'd argue that a good husband would stay at work as long as he needed to. And not a moment more.<br /><br />"...call in occasionally, send flowers occasionally, and make a gesture showing that he cares about her."<br /><br />"Call in" occasionally? That sounds like something one might do for his elderly mother. 'I called in on Mom today. Think I'll send her some flowers next week to let her know I'm thinking of her.'<br /><br />Pardon me, but that doesn't exactly stir up passionate feelings in a girl. LOLAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-30791337462435356012011-03-22T12:58:15.203-07:002011-03-22T12:58:15.203-07:00I think you make some good points.
I agree with ...I think you make some good points.<br /><br /><br />I agree with you that we can question the husband's actions here. After all, he did agree to the friendship at first, and then changed his mind.<br /><br />I do not think that agreeing to move to New York is the same as agreeing to a friendship, or that agreeing to the friendship is the same as agreeing that it's OK to have the affair.<br /><br />What if he had not accepted the friendship at first? What if he had seen what was going to happen and had tried to shut it down?<br /><br />This would depend on the kind of relationship the couple has, and whether she would have respected his objection.<br /><br />The way the story is presented, it sounds as though she had complained so much that he would have been willing to do anything to get her to stop complaining.<br /><br />This is not the foundation for a good marriage.<br />Keep in mind that we were reading the wife's point of view only, so we don't know what the husband did or did not do.<br /><br />I also agree with TC that a good husband can stay at work as long as he likes as long as he is willing to call in occasionally, send flowers occasionally, and make a gesture showing that he cares about her.<br /><br />We do not know whether or not he did this, but it is certainly true that such gestures can save a marriage.<br /><br />As can an occasional telephone call.Stuart Schneidermanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12784043736879991769noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-82985134080224877812011-03-22T12:37:59.549-07:002011-03-22T12:37:59.549-07:00"Anon is trying to tell us that once a woman ..."Anon is trying to tell us that once a woman stops complaining that means that she no longer cares. Huh?"<br /><br />When a woman complains she wants to draw closer to her H. She's telling him, "Houston we have a problem." "And I want us to work through it so I can feel close to you again."<br /><br />When an already unhappy woman (such as this woman) suddenly stops complaining, her marriage is in trouble. <br /><br />"If she wants her husband to spend more time at home then she would probably do best not to pressure him to spend time at home. That makes her look like the enemy of his work, and I have never seen that approach yield a positive outcome. It is simply a bad tactic."<br /><br />I couldn't agree more. <br /><br />Her approach was definitely the wrong one. <br /><br />Often women are not honest about what they don't like in a marriage. It is only after they build up resentment about their situation do they start complaining.<br /><br />My point is that if H's would accept this truth about women. (When they complain they are trying to draw closer to their H's) maybe they won't react so negatively towards their wife's complaining and see it for what it is. <br /><br />"As for her presence in NY, her willingness to give up family and friends, I am assuming that she agreed to it. Having agreed to it, she should have done everything in her power to make the best of it."<br /><br />True. However, once we try something out and realize it is not going to work, what are we to do? <br /><br />A job is not a family. <br /><br />And if your family is suffering b/c of your job, do you ignore the suffering? <br /><br />I guess that depends upon what is most important to you.<br /><br />"Having agreed to it, she should have done everything in her power to make the best of it."<br /><br />Could the same be true of the H? He was originally OK w/ her new friendship. Should he have just made the best of it since he agreed to it?<br /><br />Of course not. <br /><br />"She chose to have an emotional affair rather than make new friends and enjoy whatever her new city had to offer."<br /><br />Yes, the affair was wrong. No, question. If she was that unhappy in her M, she should have D her husband. <br /><br />And yes, she should have done all of these things. But, none of those things would have brought her intimacy in her M. Which was her main complaint.<br /><br />Stuart, Do you think the H could have done anything differently prior to his wife's affair?<br /><br />Anything to make his marriage stronger?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-45240365506472320712011-03-22T08:04:26.825-07:002011-03-22T08:04:26.825-07:00"It's when a woman stops complaining that..."It's when a woman stops complaining that a man needs to worry. B/c by then she has already w/drawn from her H. And given up on him."<br /><br />This is very true.<br /><br />As long as your woman cares enough to complain and nag, she cares enough.<br /><br />When she starts becoming "quiet" - then you know something's up.<br /><br />Investigate.Therapy Culturenoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-22753194272549933252011-03-22T06:18:23.781-07:002011-03-22T06:18:23.781-07:00Anon is trying to tell us that once a woman stops ...Anon is trying to tell us that once a woman stops complaining that means that she no longer cares. Huh?<br /><br />The issue is how best to achieve a goal. If she wants her husband to spend more time at home then she would probably do best not to pressure him to spend time at home. That makes her look like the enemy of his work, and I have never seen that approach yield a positive outcome. It is simply a bad tactic.<br /><br />As for her presence in NY, her willingness to give up family and friends, I am assuming that she agreed to it. Having agreed to it, she should have done everything in her power to make the best of it. She chose to have an emotional affair rather than make new friends and enjoy whatever her new city had to offer.<br /><br />That was her choice. As a moral being she should bear responsibility for her choices.Stuart Schneidermanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12784043736879991769noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-84635198111723688472011-03-21T19:07:35.093-07:002011-03-21T19:07:35.093-07:00blahga the hutt said...
"Again, I'm stil...blahga the hutt said...<br /><br />"Again, I'm still hearing the "well she was probably wrong...but..."<br /><br />She's the one acting like an ass and somehow, it's the man's fault."<br /><br />The woman was 100% responsible for her affair. Her husband wasn't the tiniest bit responsible for her choice to look outside the marriage. <br /><br />However, She is only 50% responsible for the condition of their marriage prior to her affair. <br /><br />If this couple wanted to protect their marriage, they would have agreed to never do anything w/o an enthusiastic agreement<br />between the two of them. When she expressed her unhappiness about his long hours, they should have sat down and figured out a solution that would have made them both happy.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-17160723537119452552011-03-21T18:51:23.707-07:002011-03-21T18:51:23.707-07:00"When she did not, and when she complained al..."When she did not, and when she complained all the time, she was not saying that she needed her husband, she was blaming him for her loneliness."<br /><br />Yes, she was wrong on almost all points. She should have been more clear in what she wanted. Instead of bitching and blaming she should have spoken honestly and told her H that what she needed was to spend more time w/ him.<br /><br />"... should she not have tried to connect with women in New York."<br /><br />Yes, she should have done this. And it may have helped her some. But, it would not have helped their marriage any. <br /><br />When a woman complains she is actually trying to draw closer to a man. I know this is not the way men relate to other men. But, it is the way women do. To one another and to their man. <br /><br />It's when a woman stops complaining that a man needs to worry. B/c by then she has already w/drawn from her H. And given up on him. <br /><br />"If she had been less needy and less demanding, I believe that he would have been more able to show her more affection."<br /><br />I didn't hear her complain about lack of affection. I heard her crying for TIME w/ her H. <br /><br />"But if her husband had to work long hours, for the good of his family,"<br /><br />It turned out that his long work hours weren't very good for his family. <br /><br />Some women would have been fine w/ leaving their family, friends and country while their husbands spend long hours away from them. <br /><br />Obviously, this woman wasn't one of them. And she tried to tell her H over and over again.<br /><br />This marriage had so much going against it that I'm not at all surprised it didn't last.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com