tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post5060688059673967388..comments2024-03-26T06:17:49.527-07:00Comments on Had Enough Therapy?: Can You Please Stop ComplainingStuart Schneidermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12784043736879991769noreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-74134605351929916292016-09-10T23:22:59.079-07:002016-09-10T23:22:59.079-07:00Stuart: Parenthetically, complaining, even whining...Stuart: Parenthetically, complaining, even whining about everything that is wrong with one’s life seems endemic to the female gender. <br /><br />I recall an author Jean Shinoda Bolen wrote a book awhile ago, trying to reclaim an other negative term crone for an older woman, and titled her book "Crones don't whine."<br /><br />I also recall my dad talking about my mom years after their divorce, saying one of my mom's female friends confiding to him that she thought my mom was a complainer, and that validation perhaps helped him stand up to her and refuse to listen to her when she was complaining about something that he didn't care about.<br /><br />Myself, I'd prefer to attempt a more nuanced perspective, even if I think Norman Vincent Peale's "positive thinking" is a generally good idea, and somewhat counter-intuitive compared to the guilty pleasure of whining about what other people are doing wrong.<br /><br />And right here, blogging itself, and punditry in general is often motivated by the guilty pleasure of opining what other people are doing wrong.<br /><br />So the problem perhaps isn't "other people complaining" as much as "other people complaining about things I don't care about right now." So its a boundary issue in setting limits.<br /><br />For me I'd characterize the flaw of complaining is passivity, or basically if you're willing to tell something only to people you trust will agree with you, but are not a part of the problem, then you're really being passive-aggressive. Or at best talking to others can enable a righteous point of view that too easily falls into aggression when you do confront someone directly, and it comes out as somewhat unfair, and makes the other person defensive, and then you have to double-down on your misrepresentation of reality, or back down, and walk away confused why something so obviously wrong can't be fixed by communication.<br /><br />Myself, I've used journal writing perhaps as a form of complaining, and then I don't have to bother people directly unless I can clarify what I want and need from them, and can convince myself my requests are reasonable. However in practice, journal writing also encouraged me to try to see another person's point of view, and see my own responsibility for my own boundaries, and see how I can change my own behavior to meet my own needs, and then I never have to confront the other person about an issue.<br /><br />So that approach might be considered anti-complaining, and it can see up situations where I can be on the receiving end of endless complaining, and feel good to be a good listener, and acknowledge their issues, while with the same person, I'd be SURE, if I brought up my issues, they would reject them as unfair or not their problem. So at least from that, I better understood my dad's predicament with my mom's complaining.<br /><br />It also reminds me of the phase "The squeaky hinge gets the oil", so how do you distinguish between complaining and an honest fair request for some small change that would make life better for everyone? If you stuff your irritations, eventually you build up resentment. And if you have no filter on your complaints, you'll push people away, no matter how giving they are.<br /><br />The answer has to exist somewhere in the middle, between activity and passivity, between assuming only others have to change, and assuming only you have to change to make things better.<br /><br />And anyway, I'll support journal writing as an ideal way of working out a situation for myself, but others seem to be better able to work it out in conversation, and if that comes across as complaining, probably that's true, but not always. Sometimes it might be your problem, that you have a sensitivity that is hearing complaining when a person is merely trying to communicate clearly, but imperfectly.Ares Olympushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09726811306826601686noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-47471392391405417762016-09-10T09:52:25.194-07:002016-09-10T09:52:25.194-07:00I'm not going to cite chapters and verses, but...I'm not going to cite chapters and verses, but it seems to me that a lot of the message of the Bible boils down to giving the same advice: God loveth a cheerful giver; Thou shalt not covet (complaining is sometimes a way of saying that there is something someone else has that you deserve); O be joyful in the Lord; etc.<br /><br />Here's a quick pick from some web searches:<br />(this is the longest list: https://www.openbible.info/topics/complaining)<br />(this is the middle-sized list)<br />Philippians 2:14 - Do all things without murmurings and disputings:<br /><br />Ephesians 4:29 - Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.<br /><br />James 5:9 - Grudge not one against another, brethren, lest ye be condemned: behold, the judge standeth before the door.<br /><br />Numbers 11:1-4 - And [when] the people complained, it displeased the LORD: and the LORD heard [it]; and his anger was kindled; and the fire of the LORD burnt among them, and consumed [them that were] in the uttermost parts of the camp. (Read More...)<br /><br />1 Peter 4:9 - Use hospitality one to another without grudging.<br /><br />1 Corinthians 10:10 - Neither murmur ye, as some of them also murmured, and were destroyed of the destroyer.<br /><br />1 Thessalonians 5:18 - In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.<br /><br />Exodus 16:8 - And Moses said, [This shall be], when the LORD shall give you in the evening flesh to eat, and in the morning bread to the full; for that the LORD heareth your murmurings which ye murmur against him: and what [are] we? your murmurings [are] not against us, but against the LORD.<br /><br />Philippians 4:11-12 - Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, [therewith] to be content. (Read More...)<br /><br />Romans 12:2 - And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what [is] that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.<br /><br />Psalms 106:25 - But murmured in their tents, [and] hearkened not unto the voice of the LORD.<br /><br />Philippians 2:12-16 - Wherefore, my beloved, as ye have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling. (Read More...)<br /><br />Isaiah 53:7 - He was oppressed, and he was afflicted, yet he opened not his mouth: he is brought as a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before her shearers is dumb, so he openeth not his mouth.<br /><br />Numbers 21:4-6 - And they journeyed from mount Hor by the way of the Red sea, to compass the land of Edom: and the soul of the people was much discouraged because of the way. (Read More...)<br /><br />Philippians 2:14-16 - Do all things without murmurings and disputings: (Read More...)<br /><br />Matthew 7:1-2 - Judge not, that ye be not judged. <br />AesopFannoreply@blogger.com