tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post6650293172459067700..comments2024-03-26T06:17:49.527-07:00Comments on Had Enough Therapy?: A Friendship Turned BadStuart Schneidermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12784043736879991769noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-16735638655533279442015-09-07T00:54:50.414-07:002015-09-07T00:54:50.414-07:00IAC, Thanks for your kind words. I had help, thank...IAC, Thanks for your kind words. I had help, thank goodness.<br /><br />On "drains my life force", that's sort of a common new agey expression "energy vampire" or "psychic vampire", promoted by Judith Orloff and others. There's surely some truth, but also a potential confusion where you can blame others for your reaction, as if someone else has to be bad to explain when you don't feel good.<br /><br />Like<br />http://www.oprah.com/omagazine/Protect-Yourself-from-Energy-Vampires<br />------<br />...then there are those who leave you feeling stressed out. Or guilty. Or exhausted down to your very last molecule. I call them energy vampires, and obnoxious or meek, they come in all forms. The sob sister, for one, always considers herself the victim. The world is always against her, and she'll recount every horrible thing that has happened to her, wallowing in every perceived slight. The charmer is a constant talker or joke-teller who has to be the center of attention. The blamer, on the other hand, doles out endless servings of guilt. And then there's the drama queen, the co-worker who claims she almost died from a high fever or the neighbor who lives in extremes of emotion—life is unbelievably good or horrifically bad.<br /><br />No matter which type of energy vampire you're dealing with, you're allowed to walk away. Many of us find this really hard to do. We're afraid of being thought of as impolite; we don't want to offend people. But there are plenty of ways to remove yourself from a killing conversation. When leaving isn't an option, you can still maintain your energy level by making a few minor adjustments.<br />...<br />Setting boundaries is another way of protecting yourself; you draw a line saying, for instance, "This is what I can do for you, and this is what I can't." You don't have to convince the vampire of the rightness of your stance. Getting defensive simply adds to the negative charge of the encounter. You want to remain neutral. When someone starts pushing your buttons, and you start sizzling inside, you've got to make the decision not to react.<br />-----Ares Olympushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09726811306826601686noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-54308714137597731522015-09-06T11:29:45.152-07:002015-09-06T11:29:45.152-07:00Ares Olympus @September 6, 2015 at 7:54 AM:
"...Ares Olympus @September 6, 2015 at 7:54 AM:<br /><br />"At least planning ahead was what it took for me to stand up to my brother when he was using drugs and in denial that his behavior was hurting others... In my case I had to legally evict my brother, and I had to enforce that and not let him stay at my house afterwards, and being homeless was what got him to go into treatment, even as he was in denial he needed it on his first of two rounds."<br /><br />Sounds like it worked. What a profound act of love, and a courageous stand for your brother's greatness. Thanks for being that man.Ignatius Acton Chesterton OCDhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18222603717128565302noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-57419169652780461332015-09-06T11:22:45.238-07:002015-09-06T11:22:45.238-07:00Letter Writer: "I have a good friend who used...Letter Writer: "I have a good friend who used to light up my life but now drains my life force."<br /><br />Who talks like this? <br /><br />It sounds like she's a victim looking for an explanation. Once she has the explanation (Polly regurgitated a full plate of pop psychology), now what? If she wants the healthy "radish" friendship, something has to change -- her expectations of Mercury, or Mercury herself. <br /><br />So many cliches apply here, but the bottom line is: LW can't make Mercury's choice for her. She can empathize, cajole, beg or lead an intervention, but Mercury is driving the bus until she's institutionalized.<br /><br />Perhaps this is why LW's "life force" has been drained, Obi Wan? Now we know the value of knowing. Mercury has her experience, and LW has hers. What's next?Ignatius Acton Chesterton OCDhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18222603717128565302noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-5630510709405011472015-09-06T07:54:52.362-07:002015-09-06T07:54:52.362-07:00I didn't follow where "LW" comes fro...I didn't follow where "LW" comes from. .... OH, I see "Letter Writer", deduced by inconsistent "the LW" phrases later.<br /><br />I agree the long-winded answer by "Polly" seems less than helpful considering the lack of specific information. Polly seems she's arguing more with herself.<br /><br />I always thought the answer to such predicaments is "good boundaries", so a difficult friend is a chance to learn to be assertive, to say no sometimes, and always easier said than done, but its easier done when you plan ahead and try sometime and see what happens. At least planning ahead is what it took for me to stand up to my brother when he was using drugs and in denial that his behavior was huring others.<br /><br />In my case I had to legally evict my brother, and I had to enforce that and not let him stay at my house afterwards, and being homeless was what got him to go into treatment, even as he was in denial he needed it on his first of two rounds.<br /><br />I like the word "intervention", and I admit I don't know how such a thing works, but at a minimum level I'd call it "gossip", which means talking about a person behind their back with other friends and family who care about the bad friend, and finding strategies for a "consistent front", so the bad friend can't as easily play people off each other.<br /><br />It's not really a good game for anyone and you still have to question your own partipation, since its just as easy to scapegoat and blame-the-victim as really help someone who is acting out. So tough-love yes, but you still have to question your own motives and what you need.<br /><br />An important question I've found for me is to ask "Am I taking this personally?" and if the answer is yes, then I know I've been lying to myself for a while. <br /><br />The most curious thing over "abuse" from others is that when you know someone is hurting, you don't have to take 99% of what a person does personally, BUT then the 1% sneaks up unexpected, so this means you can't excuse inaction just because you still have another cheek to turn.<br /><br />Oops, maybe I've done a "Polly" and probably wrote more than the LW did too!<br /><br />Anyway, I'm not 100% against just letting go of a friend after a proper escalation warnings of violated boundaries. I just think that's the boring answer, but it depend on what you need to learn.<br />Ares Olympushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09726811306826601686noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-26727451497281933882015-09-06T07:53:06.613-07:002015-09-06T07:53:06.613-07:00This comment has been removed by the author.Ares Olympushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09726811306826601686noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-28870143415636295972015-09-06T07:46:20.623-07:002015-09-06T07:46:20.623-07:00This comment has been removed by the author.Ares Olympushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09726811306826601686noreply@blogger.com