tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post7713317365131140467..comments2024-03-26T06:17:49.527-07:00Comments on Had Enough Therapy?: Bring Back That Loving FeelingStuart Schneidermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12784043736879991769noreply@blogger.comBlogger14125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-27785164159051327582010-10-06T16:41:38.054-07:002010-10-06T16:41:38.054-07:00It always amazes me how Americans are so obsessed ...It always amazes me how Americans are so obsessed with trying to recreate the lustful hormones of their youth or the romance and excitement of their honeymoon.<br /><br />Eastern cultures know that marriage is about children, family and passing on your culture/heritage.<br /><br />They don't get their panties in a bunch over the decline of libidos, which is the natural course of aging.<br /><br />They accept it with grace.Proud Hindusnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-48287879343047785492010-10-06T13:31:17.479-07:002010-10-06T13:31:17.479-07:00Stuart, what an interesting post. It's surpris...Stuart, what an interesting post. It's surprising that such a small thing could make such a difference in a way, but it strikes me as a very important small thing. I have always believed in protecting a bit of mystery in marriage - and I think what I was really protecting was a bit of privacy.Susan Walshhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01984275712518966508noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-60218372171005709252010-10-05T13:35:03.726-07:002010-10-05T13:35:03.726-07:00That's a very moving story. I hope that more p...That's a very moving story. I hope that more people take it to heart. I am very happy that many of you are contributing ideas and anecdotes that help us to understand the question.Stuart Schneidermanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12784043736879991769noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-46586240230070668172010-10-05T12:56:47.350-07:002010-10-05T12:56:47.350-07:00PS. Dale Carneige put it best in 'how to win f...PS. Dale Carneige put it best in 'how to win friends and influence people'.<br />Ask the person what they like to be called, and call them that.<br />Many years ago I met a Polish guy in Australia. There were very few back then. He had a name that looked like the alphabet mixed up only no vowels. He asked me to call him some short form. I asked if that is what he prefers or if he's just doing that for us dumb smuck australians. He admitted he preferred his real name but no australians could pronounce it. So I took him aside and asked him to write his name in my notebook (yes, a paper one) and teach me how to pronounce it.<br />A week later I was calling on him again (yes I was in sales as a systems engineer). I walked into his office shook hands and greeted him in my best effort using his real polish name. To my astonishment he immediately burst into tears in the middle of his office. I had no idea what I had done. After he settled he told me that I was the first person in Australia to take the trouble to learn how to say his name. Dale Carneige was right. Men, at least, like to be called by our names.globalman100https://www.blogger.com/profile/10756160620132961511noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-66957530698366416732010-10-05T12:45:42.197-07:002010-10-05T12:45:42.197-07:00Hi Stuart,
I counselled a LOT of people on relatio...Hi Stuart,<br />I counselled a LOT of people on relationships, mostly marriages in the second half of the 90s. It all distilled down to one sentence:<br /><br />"Ask you husband/wife what it is you can do for them that would have them be happy and then do it if you can."<br /><br />Note. Not it you 'will' but if you can. Of all the people (about and even mix of men and women, sometimes together sometimes apart) I talked to ALL those where BOTH agreed to give this a go reported near miraculous results. I have had men married 20+ years crying on my shoulder hugging me for giving them that sentence. What really astounded me at the time was ALL men I said this to were willing to give it a go. NEVER did one say no. I reckon that was 100+ guys I had this 'heart to heart' with. Conversely when it was women coming to me and asking me to talk to them, or more often 'fix up my husband', only about 1 in 10 actually gave this a go. <br /><br />Women would come to me and ask and I would say this works and then I would start hearing all the excuses: "What if he asks me for something I won't want to give him?" You know the list. I asked my wife this every week for 12 years. Sometimes many times in a week. Yeah, I know. I was a beta-loser. So of course I was forever doing ever more for her. I pointed out to her on a regular basis that a marriage is a reciprocating arrangement and I expected her to ask me the same question. Nope. Beta loser. When we were divorcing she finally asked and I was happy for a few hours. I asked her later "Why is that the first time you have asked me that question in 12 years." Her answer was. "I knew what you wanted and I didn't want to give it to you." If that does not sum up 'the modern western wife'? I'll eat my keyboard. Thousands of guys in the man-o-sphere report similar.globalman100https://www.blogger.com/profile/10756160620132961511noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-42383281804456147732010-10-05T10:30:55.872-07:002010-10-05T10:30:55.872-07:00My grandmother told me that my grandfather never c...My grandmother told me that my grandfather never called her by her name, in 45 years of marriage. She said that he didn't want to call her Lydia b/c that was his sister's name. She said he called her, "Hey, you".<br /><br />There was absolutely zero love in their marriage.Marshnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-32078718422654625762010-10-05T09:47:20.209-07:002010-10-05T09:47:20.209-07:00"I would mention that when you hear your love..."I would mention that when you hear your lover pronounce your proper name it does not feel the same as when you hear some third person pronounce it." -Stuart<br /><br />This is too true, of course. The other side is true as well... I have basically changed the name that I prefer to be called, due to the sound of my name as my shrieking ex-wife would shout it at me. Even now when I have to deal with her, and she uses my given name it's like nails on a blackboard. Kinda like when your mom uses your given and middle name, you recoil, because you know you are in trouble...<br /><br />Heh, there are a number of sides to what we call each other... But I certainly agree that thinking about the actual relationship, and how you relate to a person, is important. An absent minded or taken for granted pet name, certainly doesn't keep you in the moment with that person...Dnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-27529988761960631532010-10-05T06:40:10.618-07:002010-10-05T06:40:10.618-07:00Thanks for the comments. On the largest point I th...Thanks for the comments. On the largest point I think that the book offers a new and original way to think about the way couples treat each other. I like the idea that some of you are presenting cross cultural practices and considering other issues that I did not address: nicknames, for example. Or the question of the significance of being called by the same name that everyone calls you.<br /><br />I think that all of this contributes to our further understanding of the importance of using names.<br /><br />I would mention that when you hear your lover pronounce your proper name it does not feel the same as when you hear some third person pronounce it. And I suspect that when you hear a person who is in love, for example, refer to his beloved with a proper name, the tonality differs from the way he pronounces the name of someone toward whom he does not have those feelings.Stuart Schneidermanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12784043736879991769noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-27087122328797238052010-10-04T21:28:01.000-07:002010-10-04T21:28:01.000-07:00D at #3: You bring up a good contrast to underscor...D at #3: You bring up a good contrast to underscore the impact of names. I think this book isn't arguing against special nicknames but against generic terms of endearment. The type of naming in your own example is special to each couple whereas 'honey' and so forth are words that everyone else uses for not only spouses but other family members, friends, and some even address strangers that way. I think that's what the authors might be trying to get at (more than simply using a person's own name): quit using these tired words to refer to the most special person in your life.FL Momnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-45977130468096410412010-10-04T19:58:53.461-07:002010-10-04T19:58:53.461-07:00Mon chou is short for Mon petite chou a la crème C...<i>Mon chou</i> is short for <i>Mon petite chou a la crème Chantilly</i>, literally "My little cabbage with whipped creme", and meaning "My creampuff". Much more delicious, don't you think?.Stevennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-46552076662972837602010-10-04T19:10:46.041-07:002010-10-04T19:10:46.041-07:00I grew up with Saul. Used to see him every Saturda...I grew up with Saul. Used to see him every Saturday on the way to schul. He was a strange bird. He seemed kind of autistic and walked by bouncing on the balls of his feet. We all used to think. "Poor boy." and "His poor parents." Little did we know. <br /><br />I met a woman some years back in the Knoxville Airport who worked for his company. We traded stories. BTW he is a multi-millionaire. Little did we know.M. Simonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09508934110558197375noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-54452424654298195312010-10-04T11:30:55.373-07:002010-10-04T11:30:55.373-07:00I think the deep seated problem is the speed at wh...I think the deep seated problem is the speed at which this naming convention falls. In Japan, what name you use indicates your familiarity and intimacy with the person... amongst their other honorifics. Calling someone by their given name and nothing else indicates you are close family, or partners. But if a woman calls a man anatah... it is VERY intimate, indicating that they are partners, and only she will call him that.<br /><br />There arelots and lots of nuiances, of course, but this strikes me. When I call a woman by a very specific name, only I will ever call her that, and I will come to fists if ever another man would if we were partners. Why would I use a name just anyone uses? IF we are that close. Then I will call her by a name that only I would use, and she will only hear it from me... This feeds in a bit to what Anony said before me as well.<br /><br />Names have nothing to do with levels of intimacy, but they may be indicative. If thinking about the name is enough to think about the relationship to the named person instead of taking it for granted, then great. But you have to know what is in your own heart, and the reason why you call them a thing.<br /><br />If my partner suddenly began being more formal with me, it would be a huge red flag that something bad was about to happen.Dnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-1563183560912528482010-10-03T22:38:15.955-07:002010-10-03T22:38:15.955-07:00This is an excellent post, Stuart. It puts me in ...This is an excellent post, Stuart. It puts me in the mind of something:<br /><br /><i>But I tell you, a cat needs a name that's particular,<br />A name that's peculiar, and more dignified,<br />Else how can he keep his tail perpendicular,<br />Or spread out his whiskers, or cherish his pride?<br /><br />Of names of this kind, I can give you a quorum,<br />Such as Munkustrap, Quaxo, or Coricopat,<br />Such as Bombalurina, or else Jellylorum -<br />Names that never belong to more than one cat.<br /><br />But above and beyond there's still one name left over,<br />And that is the name that you never will guess;<br />The name that no human research can discover -<br />But THE CAT HIMSELF KNOWS, and will never confess.</i><br /><br />--TS Eliot<br /><br />Substitute "woman", quite reasonably, for "cat" and we arrive at the doorstep of wisdom.<br /><br />Perhaps a slight difference: My wife does have three names; her name I use in public and with my family; Her name that only I and her family calls her; and her name known only to her and I.<br /><br />In this nomenclature, I only have one name used by all.<br /><br />--Gray.<br /><br />wv: <i>bless</i>. Indeed....Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-72049532196660650822010-10-03T17:50:05.914-07:002010-10-03T17:50:05.914-07:00TO: All
RE: Heh
Want him to treat you more like a...TO: All<br />RE: Heh<br /><br />Want him to treat you more like a woman?<br /><br />Treat him more like a man.<br /><br />Regards,<br /><br />Chuck(le)<br />[Who can find a virtuous woman? Her worth is greater than rubies. -- Proverbs 31]Chuck Peltohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00407516830005550495noreply@blogger.com