Can she be a woman and a feminist at the same time?
Feminist firebrand Jessica Valenti is divided. Her feminism
tells her one thing; her experience tells her another.
Having been leered at ever since she was a preteen, Valenti
finds that now, at the ripe old age of 36, men on the subway and street no
longer notice her in quite the same way. That is, she has become nearly invisible to
the dread male gaze. You know which one… the one that sees women as sexual
objects.
In her words:
Being
on the subways and streets of New York while female used to mean walking
through a veritable gauntlet of harassment and catcalls. But lately, a curious
thing has happened – my world is a much quieter place. The comments and
lascivious stares from men have faded away the older I’ve gotten, leaving an
understandable sense of relief. But alongside that is a slightly embarrassing
feeling of insecurity that, with every year that goes by, I become more and
more invisible to men.
From
the time I was 11 or 12 years old – when I began taking the train to school –
I’ve been on the receiving end of some of the worst things men say to girls and
young women. There was the man in a business suit who told me to “take care of
those titties for me”; the man who – when I was in seventh grade – masturbated
in front of me on the subway platform near my home; the man who walked by me in
the street, leaned in close, and whispered “I want to lick you” so close to my
ear that I could feel his hot breath.
Such harassment is grotesque and inexcusable. But, is it
congenitally male or is it culturally determined? Better yet, is it endemic to
some cultures and not others? Is it especially rife in a multicultural haven
like New York.
People who come to New York City from other parts of
America have often noted that New Yorkers are rude and crude and lewd. It
appears that, what with so many different cultures, some people assume that
there are no rules and no norms of proper behavior. Surely, the men who harass
preteen girls are not following codes of gentlemanly conduct.
Then again, some cultures are more abusive toward women than
others. As you know, when Sweden decided that it needed to overcome its
whiteness it invited in a considerable number of Somali Muslims. It soon became
the rape capital of the world. One also notes that women in Egypt suffer
constant sexual harassment. There must be something in the water.
Are all men just leering monsters that exist to abuse and
harass women? Valenti offers one reason that suggests otherwise:
Sure,
there are plenty of reasons besides my age that street harassment has waned
over the years. I’m more likely to be walking around with my four-year-old
daughter than not these days, and hopefully even harassers have some sense of
propriety.
One applauds the sense of male propriety and wishes that
there were far more of it. Since one has been arguing in favor of it for many
years now, one does not feel that one has shirked one’s duty to encourage it.
Unfortunately, culture warriors have been condemning all
forms of male propriety, especially courtesy toward women, as sexist
condescension. Among those who almost certainly have been leading the charge
has been… Jessica Valenti.
As the old saying goes, be careful what you wish for.
Be that as it may, invisibility is an issue for women of a
certain age. Many women can tell you the moment when they realized that they
men no longer noticed them the same way on the street.
Valenti explains it in the Guardian:
Being
on the subways and streets of New York while female used to mean walking
through a veritable gauntlet of harassment and catcalls. But lately, a curious
thing has happened – my world is a much quieter place. The comments and
lascivious stares from men have faded away the older I’ve gotten, leaving an
understandable sense of relief. But alongside that is a slightly embarrassing
feeling of insecurity that, with every year that goes by, I become more and
more invisible to men.
Obviously, this “invisibility” correlates with the decline
in female fertility, something that happens after a woman surpasses the age of
35. It’s Darwinian and it’s biological. This tells us that biology has a
powerful and ineluctable influence on sexual attraction. One understands that
feminists believe that biology has next-to-nothing to do with it because they insist that sexual
attraction is a social construct.
For her part Valenti struggles valiantly against reality and
attributes her sensitivity to her upbringing:
But
when you’re brought up to feel that the most important thing you can be is
attractive to men, the absence of their attention – even negative attention –
can feel distressing. Have I reached my “last fuckable day” already,
at 36 years old? (I’m reminded of a Vanity
Fair profile of the gorgeous actress Rose Byrne where the reporter
noted with surprise that Byrne showed no embarrassment at admitting she was –
gasp! – 35 years old.)
One cringes at the vulgarity and one suspects that it does
not make anyone more fuckable. Not, that is, in the good sense of the word.
From the obscene to the sublime, one notes a more salient psychological
point. Despite the protestations of generations of therapists our sense of who
we are depends less on how we feel about ourselves and more on how others see
us and acknowledge our presence.
Surely, there’s more to it than sex. But sex certainly
matters in the equation.
Women often have a very good sense of how they would like
the world to see them, ranging from ladylike, to businesslike to sexually
adventurous to unattached to attached. They put together outfits that are
designed to attract one kind of look, but not others. It does not always go as
planned, but if no one sees them as they want to be seen, they feel discomfited
and disconcerted.
This is not to say the leering and jeering is acceptable at
any level. But, apparently in today’s New York (especially on the subways) that is what passes for
affirmation of a woman’s sexual attractiveness. One would much prefer that it were otherwise, because the world would be a better place if men could learn to add some respect to their appreciation of a well-turned ankle.
One hopes, but against hope. In a diverse and normless world,
it’s probably a pipe dream.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteIn regards to Sweden, is this the "rape is sex without a condom" definition?
ReplyDeletehttp://www.businessinsider.com/latest-on-julian-assanges-sex-crimes-sex-without-a-condom-is-rape-in-sweden-says-a-swede-2010-12
re: Women often have a very good sense of how they would like the world to see them, ranging from ladylike, to businesslike to sexually adventurous to unattached to attached. They put together outfits that are designed to attract one kind of look, but not others. It does not always go as planned, but if no one sees them as they want to be seen, they feel discomfited and disconcerted.
This makes sense to me. For myself, (NOT living in a big city like NYC), it is nice to gain a smile or greeting from a stranger on a morning walk or run, and if I happen to actively be seeking such affirmation, I'll pay attention to others, and first ignore those oblivious people lost in their music or iphones, and second look for momentary eye contact from them, that is when someone is close enough to greet with a "good morning" or a quick smile, and then there's a fair chance for a receptive response, at least over 50% success at least. So if nearly 100% of strangera ignored me despite all my best efforts, I probably would feel invisible.
So back to this woman's perspective, or perhaps any young woman's perspective, perhaps women don't have to be active, but instead, due to unwanted attention more than not, women may have to be wary of attention, and discourage it, and so positive attention either comes or not, outside of their efforts, EXCEPT for effort before going into public, attempting to project the right "look" as a respectable and attractive person "worthy" to be greeted and recognized.
So the difference between my approach and hers might be assertiveness versus receptiveness. I feel a need to be seen, and I reach out. She feels a need to be seen, and waits to be seen.
And as well, the "wait to be seen" receptive approach also means most of her experience is of the negative kind, the sort of crude assertive people who are trying to provoke any reaction, good or bad, to be seen.
And I suppose, if I felt unattractive or repulsive, AND ignored most of the time, I might end up becoming crude and vulgar in my resentment too?
Nonviolent Communication creator Marshall Rosenberg said something like "All communication is trying to give one of two messages - please and thank-you." And he also says "Some people have suicidal ways of saying please."
Its interesting to consider if women like Jessica Valenti had some responsibility she didn't realize. At 36 she feels invisible, and now she knows something like how the vulgar men might feel when they offer their rude attention?
So is there a response to rudeness that neither reacts negatively to it, nor condones it, yet also recognizes a person as a human being, (rather than an inconvience to escape as fast as possible)? So if she had been aware "this person isn't really trying to hurt me, they just want to be recognize", then she could affirm the other person's humanity without validating their poor behavior in getting it?
Anyway, if I were Valenti, those are the sorts of questions I'd be asking, not nonsense dramatics. Of course maybe she's just being a drama queen in her writing to gain recognition, and so ironically she's being the same sort of crude person she despises, out of fustrations of feeling invisible.
One year is a game changer in a woman hitting the wall's life!
ReplyDeletehttps://twitter.com/Nero/status/623153411047956480/photo/1
One of the nice thing about maturing is that one gets to see people get to eat their own words and suppositions about themselves and men in general. I have found that every time I go to NYC that I find both men and women rude, crude, lacking in manners and respect for other human beings and generally lacking in social skills. One can almost tell where in NYC people live by their actions.
ReplyDeleteSadly, I see some of these people in the South, especially Florida. They treat others like dirt and one wonders where they got the idea they were better than others. Some of the most bigoted people I have ever meet. Blacks aren't smart enough to become successful. People in "flyover country' are just plain stupid and rubes as well. One wonders if there is any part of the country that might be good enough for them?
That this NYC breed whiner has some affect of other women is an example of the damage done by the self anointed.
First answer: No. Mutually exclusive.
ReplyDeleteSecond: Aren't the 30s supposed to be women's sexual peak? I remember reading that somewhere.
Third: It couldn't be due to NYCers becoming more polite; maybe they are more rudely ignoring her?
Fourth: She needs a change of scenery.
Woman's sexual attractiveness peak is between 21-25. Its all downhill from there. In every survey of men on most desirable age for a woman, "22" hits the spot. Most women hit the wall around 30-35. Doesn't mean they're pretty, just not as close to desirably pretty as a 22 yr. old. Difference between "pleasant to look at" and "want to be with, for sex".
ReplyDeleteToo, when women get catcalls and jeers, who sends those messages is key for her. Hispnaic construction workers or uneducated clowns from the Bronx are "creepy", while the Wall Street types, slightly better looking to dreamy, with sharp clothes and good physiques draw an opposite reaction.
Feminism was invented to make sure ugly women could get good jobs and that employed, attractive women would be able to screen themselves from advances from guys they think are less than alpha in status.
Nora Vincent dressed as a man to research her book Self Made Man:
ReplyDeletehttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ip7kP_dd6LU
One comment I remember is that she felt invisible when walking down the street dressed as Ned.
Feminism is based on an interpretation of one's early childhood experience. Being enmeshed with the needs of your mother and not being able to rival mother for father's love and attention are the root of much self psychology. In a money culture these roles become associated with work and money because men are making money to please women while children are enmeshed with women at an early age.
Anon, IIRC, what I read was that the 30s were when women wanted sex more and were more willing, or something like that, and not that men found them more desirable then. Note that "IIRC" covers a lot of ground.
ReplyDeleteAnother example: http://www.breitbart.com/big-journalism/2015/07/21/feminist-champion-randi-harper-in-her-own-words-stop-making-everything-a-gender-issue/
ReplyDelete