tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post2126585145800663195..comments2024-03-26T06:17:49.527-07:00Comments on Had Enough Therapy?: Overcoming LonelinessStuart Schneidermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12784043736879991769noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-26643059329831505812015-12-14T03:13:14.147-08:002015-12-14T03:13:14.147-08:00Hey Ms. $$$! Thanks for asking!
I'm not sure...Hey Ms. $$$! Thanks for asking! <br /><br />I'm not sure why I stopped my blog. But you're right, at least joining Facebook offered better interactive dialogues with my real name, but mostly what I end up doing on Facebook is fact-checking. It's a good way to see how much friends care about what's true, while gaining confidence how well I can guess before I check.<br /><br />For unknown reason I rarely seem to feel lonely myself, something on that "autonomy" side of life. I do worry I might someday run out of new things to learn, or to share, but doesn't seem to happen. <br /><br />It would be good to go back to Toastmasters again. Speaking aloud to an audience takes a higher level of courage and preparation, although I did learn a little bit of Trump's skills to speak off the top of my head and see what comes out. I'm very glad my on the fly mental confusion in public speaking hasn't been recorded for the world to dissect.<br /><br />It is interesting to imagine how much I'd hate to be a politician. Probably that's why I have so much sympathy for their predicaments.Ares Olympushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09726811306826601686noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-36936361446331081402015-12-13T17:02:11.347-08:002015-12-13T17:02:11.347-08:00Ares, you seem lonely. Seems fitting that your sho...Ares, you seem lonely. Seems fitting that your should be the only commenter this far today. Find some friends. Get out more often. Try new things. Start your own blog. Or, rather... resume your own blog. Why, oh why did you stop? No one reading???? -$$$Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-13294785686103101132015-12-13T16:44:46.685-08:002015-12-13T16:44:46.685-08:00Stuart: Being ostracized is painful, but it invite...Stuart: Being ostracized is painful, but it invites us to take a step back from our emotions, to look at the way we conduct ourselves socially and to make corrections.<br /><br />This is a good article. <br /><br />The main point of possible confusion I see is a possible assumption of a singular standard of behavior, while even in the most cohesive communities there are many contexts for proper behavior, and many subgroups within a community which can approval or disapprove of your behavior, so ostracization can be partial, and it becomes more powerful the closer to home you are, starting with family where it will be most painful. And the trauma you find within a failed family system will likely be reflected in wider relationships where unresolved conflicts within the family get replayed in friendships, romantic relationships and hierarchical relationships such as employment.<br /><br />So psychologists will identify not only dysfunctional behavior of individuals, but also dysfunctional behavior of families and groups. So if a family has some deep collective shame, most families will find ways to ignore those elephants in the room, and "cooperative" members play by the rules, while black sheep members will call out the elephants and upset the family order, and risk ostracization.<br /><br />I can see there's a problem, that it takes skill to help pull an entire family or group out of a collective sleep, once taboo topics have been silenced, almost everyone will say the problem is solved, except if you're observant and notice how tempers flare unexpectedly when the most traumatized members are triggered, and then everyone else goes into "fixing" mode to restore a sense of calm at any cost, and any uncomfortable truths awoken are put back to rest.<br /><br />So when Stuart says "conduct ourselves socially and to make corrections" that is a correct attitude when you understand what the problem is, and that the problem is YOU, and YOUR failure to heed the proper warning signs of forbidden questions. But if at some point you consider that the taboo is more destructive than not, and you're not the problem, AND you don't understand how to break it without hurting anyone else, then the problem is reduced to withdrawal.<br /><br />And everywhere you read online, you'll find that advice, to disassociate from your toxic family, from your toxic friends, from rude neighbors, judgmental church members, or from abusive bosses or whatever. <br /><br />Then clever people who haven't given up yet will try to rebuild a new social network that is positive and supportive, and doesn't have all the hangups you left behind. And that seems to work for a while, but then actually what you really have is learning curves to discover all the diverent hangups these new people have that cause you problems.<br /><br />Actually Scott Peck talked about this, calling ordinary new relationships as pseudocommunity:<br />https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/M._Scott_Peck#Community_building<br /><br />Overall the way I see it is that there are two diverent needs in human beings - autonomy and connection. So autonomy is where you learn self-mastery, and what you have to give. And connection is where you test your skills, whether it's a cohesive group, or a multicultural one where the rules are less well defined.<br /><br />If we approach "connection" because of loneliness, we're likely to succumb to peer pressure, do things we don't want to do to feel accepted. In contrast if we approach community as a chance to see what we have to give back, then we don't have to feel as needy and vulnerable to rejection.<br /><br />And if a group doesn't want or need what you have to give, and you've learned all you can by listening, then you have a positive reason to try another group. And you can always to back later and see if people become more open, and your skills greater sometime later.Ares Olympushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09726811306826601686noreply@blogger.com