tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post3612270410145129067..comments2024-03-26T06:17:49.527-07:00Comments on Had Enough Therapy?: Don't Lean In. Stand Tall.Stuart Schneidermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12784043736879991769noreply@blogger.comBlogger1125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-73479218459140514522017-02-23T12:22:09.786-08:002017-02-23T12:22:09.786-08:00I imagine most women will feel relieved by this ad...I imagine most women will feel relieved by this advice, and glad that "leaning in" in the sense of aggressive assertiveness doesn't work for men or women in general, and when it does work, its the except to the rule, and comes with unknown future costs.<br /><br />But we still have to define what the metaphor "standing tall" means.<br /><br />Stuart: To negotiate effectively, you ought to engage in some small talk, some schmoozing… in order to make a human connection.<br /><br />This advice sounds sensible, although its hard to say this is "standing tall", but perhaps it is more about "being seen" while when we want something, and we're afraid of someone else's power, we would prefer to NOT be seen, prefer to hide behind a wall of impenetrable strength that hides our vulnerability. <br /><br />And there's a reciprical part of this ritual - whatever small personal fact is shared, the other person may actually have a social duty to later ask you about that, to show they are interested in you as a person, rather than just as someone they can use. They will be honoring you in the future by showing they remember what you said, so that suggests its worth deciding a head of time what you share.<br /><br />I suppose when I think of "standing tall", I'd go with something like the Four Agreements, and the first three have the most to do with our relationships.<br />http://www.toltecspirit.com/<br /><br />We can't control how other see us, and stereotypes may misrepresent us to people who don't know us, and there's not much we can do about that. But "character" matters, and shows others who we are over time, and trust is created by being willing to stand for something, and showing you mean it in action.<br /><br />And secondly we can see people in positions of power at times through the filter of all the people who have held power over us in the past, and that "projection" means any grudges we may hold from old relationships will slip into new ones, and so we mis-identify what others are saying, and we take it personally, and imagine things that are not true, and then may act poorly.<br /><br />Perhaps agreement 3, "don't make assumptions" is where assertiveness exists. When you don't understand something, you have a right to ask for clarification. If someone has seemed to snub promotions for you, while your underlings have risen, maybe even above you, you shouldn't assume they were promoted because they are men, but you have a right to remind your boss that you're interested in advancement, and ask what you could do to help that happen. <br /><br />Maybe there was bias, maybe people have taken you for granted, but you don't really know why unless you ask. As well, if you realize you may be undervalued, if you were honest, you might accept you also have biases, and wonder how someone who feels you've undervaluing them, imagine how they could get your attention without making you wrong for not paying attention to them. We all have unfair power at times.<br /><br />I admit I've never had to negotiate a salary or raise, and its not something I feel comfortable doing, and I'd always prefer to prove myself in action than to try to defend my worth in talk alone.<br /><br />I can see why many people prefer to delegate that sort of "leaning in" to agents or employee unions or try to gain unequal advantage like using social relationships to get a foot in the door.<br /><br />I've seen union strikes, but never close enough to see how power is negotiated, and how healing occurs afterwards. <br /><br />I suppose its very similar to political fights as well, and now we've learned, when party politics is wielded ruthlessly, burning bridges, and focusing on wedge issues that divide us, bully candidates like Trump can rise up, because they're willing to break every social rule, and in desperation people will vote for a candidate like that. <br /><br />So we learn to defend our actions based on what what done to us in the last round, like an average second grader learns. Robert Bly called this a "sibling society." Ares Olympushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09726811306826601686noreply@blogger.com