tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post4916709328987139623..comments2024-03-26T06:17:49.527-07:00Comments on Had Enough Therapy?: Shunned by Family That Deserves to Be ShunnedStuart Schneidermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12784043736879991769noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-72600214855533539622019-02-08T16:18:37.769-08:002019-02-08T16:18:37.769-08:00I don't get that last comment. Isn't every...I don't get that last comment. Isn't everyone split" as she defines it, being "cruel" (I prefer "distant")to people who are treating them badly? Why would you apologize when it was the other people treating you badly?<br /><br />Who is she saying owes the apology, which, from Hurting's letter, didn't even seem like an option for either side? Don't we all have a good side and a bad side (meaning, don't we all do what's right sometimes and what's wrong sometimes?) <br /><br />"...that apology risks the bad self being felt again"? How can an apology risk something, esp how can an apology "risk the bad self being felt"? <br /><br />Actually, I'm still back at "psychological splitting seems related," period, at the beginning...."related to what?"<br />******************************************************************************<br /><br />I'm all confused. Anyway, wish I could tell Hurting that sure, she can get along fine with her "chosen" family and not her family of origin. I've been estranged from my own FOO for decades, and the longer I am, the more I keep seeing that more and more behaviors that I thought was normal all these years...was really stone cold manipulation, with me the odd man out (also known as "the scapegoat")<br /><br />When I was 19, I was living in another state, and I came home for Christmas. When it came time to return, my mother refused to give me the money to go home. My brother and sister, 26 and 27 and married, had to have known, but they didn't say a thing. Now that I see how my husband interacts with his younger sisters, I see that of course, he would have warned her, driving her home from the airport (my brother picked me up and drove me an hour, home) "Watch out - Mom's got something planned--I don't think she's coming through with the ticket home." Instead, he was completely silent for the entire hour. <br /><br />The disapproval of me, the black sheep, was intense inside that car. Still, I didn't realize till lately, decades later, that in most families, the older brother would have said something (like maybe "Welcome home" and given her a hug, not to mention the warning about mom), but nope -- and I didn't even question it. Anyway, yeah -- ditch those people and admit that some people are just poison....even family. Sometimes especially family.south park conservativehttp://tumblr.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-23200186167458497102019-02-07T10:02:40.938-08:002019-02-07T10:02:40.938-08:00Sam, psychological splitting seems related. If you...Sam, psychological splitting seems related. If your identity, your self-worth is split, a good and bad self, and changes based on how you feel at the moment, you will treat others as split as well. And if you are only cruel when you feel bad, and only cruel to people who are making you feel bad, when you feel better, you don't want to own that cruelty and expect others to forgive and forget without any apology on your part, because that apology risks the bad self being felt again.<br />Ares Olympushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09726811306826601686noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-84419112861263462212019-02-07T08:48:50.993-08:002019-02-07T08:48:50.993-08:00"I only feel this leaden dread." Because..."I only feel this leaden dread." Because they're going to come back and she knows it. And either she's going to allow them back in her life or she's going to kick them out and both options suckwhitneyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01339343160301118530noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-15000901238072375372019-02-07T08:35:55.580-08:002019-02-07T08:35:55.580-08:00Mom and sis are two-faced. I know there's a t...Mom and sis are two-faced. I know there's a term for people whose personalities can quickly flip from nice to mean, but I can't remember it. Do mom and sis live together?Sam L.https://www.blogger.com/profile/00996809377798862214noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-73883898894916250022019-02-07T07:55:52.409-08:002019-02-07T07:55:52.409-08:00Stuart: Hurting will feel better if she shuns her ...Stuart: Hurting will feel better if she shuns her family... they have certainly earned it. Then she will feel like an agent, not a victim.<br /><br />I'm not sure if shunning is the only strategy available to feel like an agent, but I guess anything we do to try to control or punish other people can feel like agency. The word "no" is the most powerful word, so powerful that even 2 year olds can learn it.<br /><br />But if you don't want to be abusive yourself, if your goal isn't to hurt people, then you shouldn't think of this as permanent shunning, but setting boundaries, which can still include walking away temporarily when you have to. If your needs for connection and acceptance are met elsewhere, and you are aware of your own reactions, you can hear hurtful criticisms as expressions of their own suffering rather than being about you.<br />Ares Olympushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09726811306826601686noreply@blogger.com