tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post5631248790706013876..comments2024-03-26T06:17:49.527-07:00Comments on Had Enough Therapy?: Should We Return to Politeness?Stuart Schneidermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12784043736879991769noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-28926336446204888412014-08-17T17:00:00.464-07:002014-08-17T17:00:00.464-07:00Anon @ 11:48, are you saying that opening a door f...Anon @ 11:48, are you saying that opening a door for someone is imposing on them?Sam L.https://www.blogger.com/profile/00996809377798862214noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-45243298936712363522014-08-16T23:48:38.869-07:002014-08-16T23:48:38.869-07:00"I experience this a lot with women. You hold..."I experience this a lot with women. You hold the door open for them and they don’t even bother to say thank you. Look, I’m not trying to get your phone number or Twitter handle, I’m just being a courteous man. Geez."<br /><br />Being nice is nice but IMPOSING one's niceness on others is itself a form of rudeness. <br /><br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-48899250857971453272014-08-16T13:40:04.237-07:002014-08-16T13:40:04.237-07:00p.s. I remember a widow in my neighborhood died a ...p.s. I remember a widow in my neighborhood died a few years ago, and a few years before that she had her house "invaded" and decluttered by the city firechief because she was a packrat, and had been using her husband's generous pension to go shopping every day. Apparently much of the stuff piled to the ceiling in her house was in original bags in perfect condition.<br /><br />Anyway, I guess she admitted that she had become a shopaholic because she liked to talk to the sales people, and felt obligated to buy something because of their attention towards her.<br /><br />So that's rather messy. I wouldn't say the salespeople "manipulated" her into buying things, and she had the money, so if she had been a proper shopaholic, and donated her purchases to a local thrift store or something, perhaps it would all make sense?<br /><br />But maybe it also shows, in a busy world, in a prideful world where you don't want to feel needy, people will PAY for attention and kindness if they can, and that is sad such lonely people can't find other ways to connect.<br /><br />Ares Olympushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09726811306826601686noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-58352035259432570702014-08-16T13:21:51.491-07:002014-08-16T13:21:51.491-07:00Stuart, you end with the question of manipulation,...Stuart, you end with the question of manipulation, and it reminds me, in the past when someone claimed I was manipulative, I tried to reflect back on my behavior, and found it very difficult to clarify.<br /><br />After some thought I concluded most objectively that to be manipulative is to not be transparent, to have motives that are not expressed openly. But from that view you might argue all social etiquette is manipulative, because you can't see what's behind someone else's kindness, you can't always see what's expected in return for their kindness.<br /><br />Even the door-opening story looks like trouble. If I open a door for someone else, and they ignore me, and I feel like a doorman, feel used and abused, perhaps that response is accurate, but perhaps it shows I have an ulterior motive, even if a minor one, needing social recognition, its still a somewhat controlling position. And it might make a difference if I'm 0 for 100 attempts versus 0 for 1 in my recognition.<br /><br />I can agree people SHOULD be aware of their surroundings, and be aware when others are doing us kindness, whether they are lowly paid doorman, or a stranger who has a few second or kindness to offer, a thank you is good and appropriate, but I don't think it ought to be expected, to be used as an excuse why there's something wrong with others.<br /><br />I remember a year or two ago there was a meme video showing a sequence of people, basically doing good deeds for someone else, and the brightening their day, and the chain continued for a dozen people. <br /><br />If the video wanted to be more cynical, it would end with a Ebenezer Scrooge character saying "Bah, humbug!" after a boy scout saw him limping across the street because he forgot his cane, and refusing help. <br /><br />So that would be rude, and the boy scout would have a choice, to take the rudeness literally, and assume Scrooge didn't need help and walk away, or he might see wounded pride, and still try to help indirectly anyway, walking along side, even after the light changed to Don't walk, giving kind gestures of awareness to the drivers to wait a bit, so Scrooge could finish crossing safely. Maybe "do gooders" can compensate for grumps, or maybe they're enabling? Who knows? <br /><br />So I don't see any absolute right or wrong answers except that politeness if it means anything must be voluntary, and it would seem to benefit the giver as much as the receiver, BUT when the giver finds himself hurt, he should question his state of mind, and his motives for requiring others conform to his expectations, and if needed, consider how he can ask for what he needs more directly.<br /><br />Ares Olympushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09726811306826601686noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-41363472129091511272014-08-16T10:10:34.333-07:002014-08-16T10:10:34.333-07:00What does sharia law say about politeness? Maybe w...What does sharia law say about politeness? Maybe we have something to look forward to, and ISIS really isn't all that bad!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-66428629323788076292014-08-16T09:49:14.867-07:002014-08-16T09:49:14.867-07:00"Why are we still debating the issue? Why do ..."Why are we still debating the issue? Why do we have to keep explaining why anyone should be polite?"<br /><br />HIPSTER: Because politeness might interfere or delay what someone wants to do. Besides, it's passé. It's a relic from an age where etiquette and protocol were aristocratic, white European structures that required people to be phony. We're much more sophisticated and "authentic" today. And we're busy. Being polite takes a moment we don't have to spare. "Do unto others as you would have done unto you" is a high standard. It's hard. I've got stuff to do. (Begin tapping on iPhone, exit stage left)<br /><br />That's why we have to keep explaining. And it's amazing, isn't it? As for what Roland Martin's anecdote points out, this is the Age of Entitlement. What Paul Ford points to is this deep concept: there are other people around. Astounding!<br /><br />That's where we're at. People see etiquette as a social anachronism. It's not. It really is an efficient social structure that allows you to actually pay attention to the conversation they're in. It is a "buffer zone." It's no different than traffic rules. Would you want to drive unfamiliar roads with no streetlights, no lines on the pavement, no stop signs? Heck, what if there were no paved roads and you still wanted to get somewhere? You couldn't. That's where we are now in terms of our social relationships and interactions: the Wild West. It's chaos. We've become self-absorbed savages, hypnotized by the Glowing Box. In the age of "mindfulness" and "a new consciousness" and a "shared conscience" there's none of it in the most BASIC AREAS of social life. <br /><br />A pity, yet it's just more collateral damage. What kind of society are we moving toward? Does anyone like it?<br /><br />TipAnonymousnoreply@blogger.com