tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post5858998680359640442..comments2024-03-26T06:17:49.527-07:00Comments on Had Enough Therapy?: Caught Cheating? What Now?Stuart Schneidermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12784043736879991769noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-41200945821691088812015-09-11T07:37:57.010-07:002015-09-11T07:37:57.010-07:00As for lying, I agree, if it's a one-off affai...As for lying, I agree, if it's a one-off affair.<br />Otherwise, it becomes a way to continue into a habit, and then become your character.KCFleminghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00124201866124646626noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-91410588918106335012015-09-11T07:36:20.378-07:002015-09-11T07:36:20.378-07:001. I don't see how people have the time or the...1. I don't see how people have the time or the energy to manage an affair. It sounds exhausting.<br /><br />2. I suppose some people seek the excitement of lust coupled with the danger of it all, but I don't like rollercoasters so maybe that's why the whole thing bores me.<br /><br />3. Morality aside (a requirement for infidelity), once the affair begins, pretty soon <i>over there</i> becomes <i>here</i>, that is, the novelty wears off and soon enough you're back to the core problem at hand: you. <br /><br />4. I often found Dorothy Parker's admonition helpful: "<i>Don't let that little frankfurter tell you what to do.</i>"<br /><br />5. Plus: "<i>Lead me not into temptation</i>" is also pretty good advice, thus fending off getting drunk with your officemate at a conference.<br /><br />6. Thankfully, my mug doesn't prompt women to schmooze with me, so opportunities are not presented anyway!KCFleminghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00124201866124646626noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-7435384246290320182015-09-10T09:36:44.823-07:002015-09-10T09:36:44.823-07:00What a fun topic! No one tires of generic opinions...What a fun topic! No one tires of generic opinions on the morality of naughty behavior.<br /><br />And the sensible possession "don't ask, don't tell" is probably good for any sort of dishonesty without irreversible consequences.<br /><br />It is interesting to consider that a wife might know her husband cheats, but pretend she doesn't know or not want to know, whether for the children, or for her status. But if she does really know, rather than just suspecting, then I imagine whenever she feels sorry for herself, she'll act badly in her own way, do spiteful things later, or sneaky, like socking away hidden cash for a few years before asking for a divorce, or maxing out the credit card and daring her husband to complain.<br /><br />But back to the "don't tell" policy, there's a problem when a wife suspects infidelity but has no proof, and rather than a direct question, she can spy on him, read his private emails, or hire an investigator, and she still might only have suspects and no proof. So that sort of paranoia suggests "don't ask" isn't always the correct policy, and perhaps asking will actually change his behavior. That is it might stop his past behavior, or stop his considering an affair, AND it'll also show she cares about him enough to ask, and perhaps it'll open other unspeaking topics that need addressing that were ignored.<br /><br />But that still leaves open the problem, if you're asked a direct question about something that confessing will have consequences, do you lie to protect the marriage, or do you tell the truth? Or if you tell, how much truth are you required to share? The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?<br /><br />And part of the problem arises out of the fact they say men are more hurt by sexual affairs while women are also jealous of emotional affairs of the heart. And even if no sexual intercourse, there's degrees of intimacy. Like What if a drunk coworker kisses you on the lips at the christmas party, when no one else was looking? What if you're attracted to her, and think you can handle that? Or what if you were the drunk kisser?<br /><br />So in any case, ordinary people will have guilt over things far short of an affair, and that guilt can mean when you're asked "Did you cheat on me?" you know you're not 100% innocent, but then you have to ask yourself how to best answer truthfully without being compromised by guilt. <br /><br />So if someone asks a question, you can say "Do you really want to know the truth?" And if they say "Yes", then ask "Do you want to know the whole truth?" And if they say yes, you explain self-righteously "You can't handle the truth!" <br /><br />But after the lame joke fails you can say "I deserve some privacy, but I'll answer any specific question you ask as briefly and honestly as I can, but then you have to take responsibility for whatever you learn that you don't like."<br /><br />So that's my imagined view of how trust ought to work in any personal relationship. Once someone has to spy to find out the truth, that's almost worse than infidelity itself, proving distrust was already there, and besides people with guilty consciences also have more paranoid minds, right?<br /><br />So if I can trust my spouse to answer me honestly when I request an answer to any specific question, then maybe I don't have to ask most of the time. And because she has promises me this respect to the truth, she will respect herself and not act in ways that would make me think badly of her. And vice versa for my choices and hopefully her trust.<br /><br />And open question is how to deal with guilt too and perhaps a statute of limitations could exist in marriage, and every few years they could confess theirs mutual sin on paper, and mutually burn each other's papers without reading. There must be lots of fun ideas how to be a fallen being with conscience and dignity.Ares Olympushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09726811306826601686noreply@blogger.com