tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post6625147774809812929..comments2024-03-26T06:17:49.527-07:00Comments on Had Enough Therapy?: What To Do with Bad FeelingsStuart Schneidermanhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12784043736879991769noreply@blogger.comBlogger1125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8078379512095504946.post-8649826078954534722014-10-23T19:57:36.254-07:002014-10-23T19:57:36.254-07:00I remember my mens group had an idea called an &qu...I remember my mens group had an idea called an "Awareness wheel" that went from Observation, judgement, feeling, action, and the idea was to separate these components clearly in your mind to avoid unconscious reactivity.<br /><br />It's almost a bit counter-intuitive, at least you might think that feelings are the first step, but they often don't exist until you are aware of something, and make a judgment about it, and your judgments may or may not represent reality.<br /><br />Observation: Jimmy's Christmas present is bigger than mine.<br />Judgement: People must like Timmy better than me<br />Feelings: Envy, rage, sadness, despair?<br />Action: ?<br /><br />So if "Bad feelings" come from judgements, rather than facts, then you're actually in greater control of your feelings than you know, simply by withholding judgment, and delaying judgement.<br /><br />The above example is an objectively innocent one, and where "not taking feelings personally" would help, and no action is needed. I can say to myself "I feel envy" and accept that feeling in a greater context of other feelings.<br /><br />A harder case is when you really are being treated unfairly.<br /><br />Observation: I was harrassed by the police yesterday, again!<br />Judgement: I wasn't doing anything wrong.<br />Feeling: Oppressed, disrespected, angry<br />Action: ?<br /><br />Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent communication is a similar response I've seen to the Awareness wheel.<br /><br />On my quick police exaple above, Marshall would try to clarify my observations. He'd ask "What specific behavior did the police have that I label as harrassing?" He's also say "oppressed" and disrespected aren't feelings, but "moralistic judgement".<br /><br />In fact, I see he skills judgments all together:<br />https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication#Four_components<br />Rosenberg invites NVC practitioners to focus attention on four components:<br />1. Observation<br />2. Feelings<br />3. Needs<br />4. Request<br /><br />Either framework can seem as "too much", since it takes time, and if you have 200 interactions per day, you can't be evaluating them all so carefully to clarify them, and its questionable how much can be done openly versus how much can be done internally.<br /><br />Myself, if I could I'd "debrief" myself privately to all personal/social interactions that bother me in someway, and clear out 90% as my problem, or that I can handle alone.<br /><br />I don't know if introspection encourages a retreat from reality, but I can see there's a large freedom to explore in introspection without any need for courage, so the gap can seem too large, to assert a point of view that you know others won't like.<br /><br />I copied a quote I saw recently. The biggest need for courage may be the willingness expose some of your bad thinking for all the world to see, and if you wait until you can perfectly express yourself without causing any new "bad feelings" in others, you'll never say a thing out loud.<br /><br />May Angelou: "Without courage we cannot practice any other virtue with consistency. We can't be kind, true, merciful, generous or honest."<br /><br />Ares Olympushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09726811306826601686noreply@blogger.com