"Miss Advised:" Being Julia Allison

Bravo’s “Miss Advised” rolls along. Three so-called relationship experts roll from one dating calamity to another.

It’s as though a television producer decided that it would be interesting to show the world how not to do it. Each week we find the three making new mistakes, and, regrettably, getting hurt in the process.

It’s painful to watch. Yet, I keep watching, for the same reason that we all watch train wrecks.

Take Emily, for example. She’s a sex expert; she has a radio show where she talks about sex; she shares her intimate secrets with her listeners; she is willing to kiss whoever comes along.

Now, for the past two episodes men have propositioned Emily… to participate in threesomes with them and their girlfriends. Apparently, these men like threesomes and their girlfriends have a special fondness for women.

The surprising part: Emily cannot understand why men see her as threesome material.

Can anyone be that naïve? Apparently, Emily can.

A question for today: how smart you have to be to be that clueless?

And then there’s Amy. A professional matchmaker Amy gives great advice. For some reason she never takes the great advice she gives herself.

Amy has been trying to develop a relationship a younger man, one Lewis.

Amy is in her mid-thirties; Lewis is in his mid-twenties.

It’s a long shot, but sometimes it does work.

On her second date with Lewis Amy broke one of her own rules and told him how she felt when he took too much time to call her after their first date.

Amy told herself that it was the wrong thing to say. She said it anyway. She wanted Lewis to understand how desperate she was and how difficult she could be.

Amy thought she was being open and honest. Lewis saw stop lights flashing. For him it was a deal breaker.

On their third date he took Amy to a diner where he announced that their “relationship” was over. Amy never saw it coming. Apparently, her ability to read dating situations needs improvement.

Maybe she turned him off with her inopportune remark. Maybe it was the age difference. Who knows?

Amy was crushed. We would have a better feeling for her pain if she had not erased most of her facial expressions with Botox.

But, you will think, Amy wants to look young. Who doesn’t?

She would do better to follow my rule in such matters.

If a woman is 35 and she dates a man who is 25, in his eyes she will look old.

If a woman is 35 and she dates a man who is 45, in his eyes she will look young.

Keeping this rule in mind will save a lot of women from the indignity of Botox.

If the ladies of “Miss Advised” are competing to see who can behave the worst, Julia Allison is currently leading the pack.

Last night, Julia decided that she had to be who she is because otherwise she would be a fake. She is wise enough to know that men do not fall in love with fakes.

As I was watching her version of being herself I started thinking that most people do not have a clue about what it means to be who you are.

Julia doesn’t, and she went to Georgetown.

So, thirtysomething Julia tries to figure out who she is and she decides that she is: an eighteen year old prom queen.

She arranges a date that will allow her to relive her prom. Unwilling to relinquish the least bit of control she turns herself into the impresario, ropes in a guy named Andrew, and organizes the whole thing. She has never met Andrew but she has been corresponding with him on Facebook.

Rather than share this special moment with someone she knows and cares for Julia chooses someone who has passed the audition.

Before the date, Julia tries explaining the idea to a new friend, named Jessica.

It often happens on the show that the three experts receive good advice from friends and family. When Julia divulges her plan, Jessica is horrified. She is even more horrified when she learns that Julia has kept all of her old prom dresses, ready and waiting for just such an occasion.

Jessica tries to dissuade Julia from making herself look like a complete fool. To no avail. Julia does it anyway.

So, Julia and Andrew go out on her high school prom. It isn’t half bad. Andrew is a good sport. Since he knows he is being filmed, he does not have much of a choice. Perhaps he also believes that he is going to receive a great reward for being so cool. 

I hope that Andrew received his reward, because he deserves it for suffering the indignity of being case in someone’s own private psychodrama. As the show portrays it, Julia has to beg him for a good night kiss. This is not a good omen.

One does not want to plumb the depths of the insecurity that would convince an otherwise intelligent young woman that a high school prom date be a good way to get to know a man.

Julia might believe that she is being true to her authentic self by acting this way, but she is most definitely not.

Here’s a hint: she is no longer eighteen. She is no longer in high school. She is not going to the prom. It’s time to put away the toys of childhood.

In truth, she is acting out a drama, playing a role, and being completely inauthentic. She has found a way to go out on a date and not relate to her date at all. It’s effective as self-defense, but that's all it can ever do.

One needs to mention that along with Julia’s closet-full of prom dresses there is the matter of her bedroom. It is all pink, pink on pink, to the point where, even if you have a special fondness for pink, it cloys.

Call it a defiant assertion of girliness. It’s not an assertion of womanliness. Julia’s bedroom would be fitting for an eight-year old.

The first rule to knowing who you are is knowing how old you are, and acting your age.

Julia is pretending to be young and spontaneous. She comes across as a consummate fake. Amy is pretending to be younger than she is. Her prospective paramour is not fooled. Emily, at least, is acting her age, though she is completely clueless about how her well-constructed brand might affect the way other people see her.

You go, girls!