"Miss Advised" Is Over, Thank God

Bravo’s “Miss Advised” is over, and not a minute too soon.

From the beginning the concept was all wrong. Three dating experts do not follow their own advice. This means that they are willing to make a public spectacle of their bad character in order to be in a reality show.

You can be charming and attractive, but bad character makes you a bad relationship prospect.  

So we just saw a reality show in which successful attractive modern liberated women are looking for love and romance and even marriage. Mostly they find rejection and humiliation as they lurch from one calamity to another.

As I and others have noted, it is painful to watch anyone undergo such abject humiliation.

Emily has her own radio show where she talks about her own and everyone else’s sex life. Somehow or other she does not understand why her professional activity might not make her great relationship material.  

Besides, Emily has her doubts about monogamy. Surely, that’s going to attract men. Besides, at age 41 she is far too young to be as Botoxed as she is.

Nevertheless, the show has been following her budding romance with one David, a man she crushed on when she was in the fifth grade.

David has recently gotten divorced so, in an earlier episode, Emily flew home to Michigan to be reacquainted with him.

David was thrilled to see her because he was looking forward to hooking up with someone who has real expertise in sexual matters.

Being as they are a thoroughly modern couple, open and honest to a fault, their first romantic conversation revolves around the question of whether she does anal.

For a few weeks David and Emily conduct their relationship long distance. When David flies out to San Francisco to spend a romantic weekend with Emily the show teases us into thinking that the happy couple is going to find true love or at least some hot sex on their weekend tryst to Napa Valley.

In the course of their romantic dinner Emily comes to recognize that, for David, she is a long distance “booty call.” For reasons that are obvious to everyone but Emily, he does not respect her. David sees Emily as a semi-professional sex worker.

When the happy couple retires to the bedroom he summons up the last shred of his dignity and falls right to sleep. Having the choice between hot sex with Emily and a good night’s sleep, he chooses sleep.

Perhaps he does not want to have sex with her on national television or to hear about it on her radio show, but David rejects Emily.

One would have hoped that he would have figured this out before he put her in a position where she had to suffer such a rejection on national television.

Think of it: she has developed her sexual skills at a level that most women only dream of and a man hops into bed with her and falls asleep.

And then there’s Amy. Having recently been dumped by Lewis, who was too young for her, Amy has now met someone who is her age.

A personal trainer, Kevin loves extreme sports and lives to ski.

Charming and considerate he seems to be very taken with Amy. For her part she is quite smitten with him.

He buys her a thoughtful gift, brings her flowers, adds sweet notes, takes her rock climbing, speaks openly and honestly about his feelings and might even take her skiing.

In many ways Kevin sounds like a character from romance fiction. As the old saying goes, if something is too good to be true it isn’t.

Amy, however, is desperate. Kevin has the dating script down perfectly, so she is more than happy to allow herself to fall for him.

Since Kevin is so very good at dating, I assumed that he has spent a lot of time developing his technique. If Amy thinks that she is the first woman that Kevin has used those lines on, she is living in a dream.

Here’s a tip for young women: any man who is that proficient in the art of dating has used the same technique many, many times before. If he is that charming and still single, he is a player. Or better, a gigolo.

As smitten as she is with Kevin Amy’s face gives nothing away. Since she is shot up with Botox she has no real facial expressions.

If Kevin can wax poetical while gazing into a face that resembles a Noh mask tells me that he is a practiced gigolo.

The show leaves Amy and Kevin on a hopeful note. Hope springs eternal.

And then there is Julia Allison.

When last I wrote about Julia she had orchestrated a prom date with a man named Andrew. Somehow or other she imagined that by dressing up as an 18-year-old prom queen and forcing a man into being her high school prom date she could be her true self.

A thirtysomething woman dresses up as a teenager and feels that she is being herself. Doesn’t anyone know how to think anymore?

Julia is so convinced that her prom date was a great success that she called Andrew and begged him to fly down from San Francisco to Los Angeles to attend a party she was giving.

Since Julia has long since lost her self-respect, it does not seem strange to see her begging. She doesn’t say so, but clearly she is offering to exchange sexual favors for an appearance at a party.

Anyway, Andrew refuses, but then, lo and behold, he shows up at the party to surprise Julia.

Julia is so thrilled to see him that she collapses in a heap. In the old days women were supposed to remain poised and composed. Now it is perfectly alright for a mature woman to behave like a four year old receiving a new doll.

Since Julia is a nice girl she makes Andrews sleep on the couch. But she does, however, graciously offer him a blow job as a reward for his efforts.

After all, she tells her roommate, he flew all the way down from San Francisco, so she had to give him something in return.

We know about it because she announced it on national television, the better to define herself.

Her parents must be so proud.

Considering how well the afterparty went Julia invites herself to San Francisco to see Andrew. There she decides that it’s time to tell Andrew that she is developing feelings for him. Perhaps she feels confident because Andrew responded positively to her oral ministrations, but clearly Julia does not live in the real world.

Unfortuanately, Andrew does not have the same feelings for her so her trip ends before it starts. The episode ends with Julia alone on a San Francisco street trying to hail a cab that will take her to the airport for the plane ride home.

In the wake of the Andrew fiasco Julia is fixed up with Brian, the Middle School math teacher.

Of course, Julia can barely conceal her contempt for Middle School teachers—she is not a low maintenance kind of girl—but still she goes out on a date with him where they don smocks and paint.

Anyway, Julia actually begins to like Brian, enough to kiss him good night at the door to the painting studio. Then she walks to her car alone, because modern men do not even walk women to their cars.

Of course, Brian never calls.

It seems like a fitting coda for Julia’s descent into abjection.