In one sense the gist of what “Ask Polly” says to letter
writer Still Meriwether Lewis’s Secret Admirer is on point. Despite all the psychobabble she is doling out, Polly does understand that the relationship in question is probably beyond repair. She doesn't quite understand why or she is too tactful to say why, but she intuits the problem.
Nevertheless, the case is
interesting, for those of us who find cases interesting. A woman has been
dating a man for a year now and finds that his friends, especially his female
friends, do not like her. They do not accept her into their crowd. They make
her feel uncomfortable. However hard she tries they keep telling her that she
is not a serious girlfriend, but is her boyfriend’s bimbo du jour.
Needless to say, this is
distressing. Surely, it means something. And not something good. Forget all of
the psychobabble, if your boyfriend’s friends do not like you and feel that
they can treat you contemptuously, you have a relationship problem. Since these
friends are apparently recent college graduates one does not expect that they
have very well developed social skills. And yet, they are trying to tell SMLSA
that her relationship has a very short shelf life.
Most tales of relationship agony
assume that the unhappy couple is having trouble getting along. They assume
that the problem exists within the relationship bubble that the two of them
inhabit. Today’s letter writer emphasizes a more salient point, one that is often
ignored. Relationships involve many more people than the couple itself. As long
as human beings are not monads, they function within social groups. If you do
not get along with members of your beloved’s social group, both family and
friends, your relationship is headed for trouble.
As for the problem at hand, if you
read between the lines, you will discover it lurking in the shadows. It has
nothing to do with how well turned out the letter writer is. It has nothing to
do with her childhood traumas. It has nothing to do with her career success or
lack of same.
It has to do with age difference.
Neither the letter writer nor Polly addresses this question, so you can feel
confident that it matters.
Note the way SMLSA opens her
letter:
I have
been dating my boyfriend for about a year now, and it’s my third “serious”
adult relationship. I’m a lawyer, and he’s in law school. The problem is, some
of his friends treat me like I’m the current bimbo.
We do not know how old either of these people is. And yet, she
is out of law school. He is in law school. In itself that does not create the
most yawning age gap.
And yet, later on, we read this:
To be
fair, I know he’s serious about me. He selected literally the closest law
school to me.
This suggests that when the couple met he was in college and
she was a practicing attorney. Suddenly the age gap widens. And since we know
that the maturity difference between a male college student and a meaningfully
employed female attorney is considerable, we may reasonably conclude that his
friends believe that he has made a mistake. They see a sensitive young man
being manipulated by an older Jezebel. In their eyes the relationship has no
real future. Or better, they believe that he would be best served by finding a
more appropriate girlfriend.
As it happens, when SMLSA describes the antics of her boyfriend’s
friends it all sounds more like what goes on at a frat house than what goes on
at a dinner party.
One notes a significant omission. Aside from a brief mention
of a couple of weekends with her parents, SMLSA never mentions what happens
when they hang out with her friends. Could that be a sign that he is much
younger than they are? Or is it about a status gap? If so, she is protecting him from the condescending
attitude older established lawyers will show to a law student.
As it happens, the boyfriend’s friends treat SMSLA as an
outsider, despite her best efforts to paint her nails:
I show
up to parties with these people with an outfit I agonized over for days,
painted nails, contoured face, styled hair, the whole exhausting works, so that
these women will treat me nicely. They don’t choose their words carefully or
recognize that an outsider to this somewhat incestuous group might be put off
by “inside” jokes about how popular my boyfriend was with the ladies.
But, why hasn’t said boyfriend intervened to defend his girlfriend?
He ought certainly to do so. It is the right and proper, the gentlemanly thing
to do. If he is not doing so, perhaps he
is too young to understand what is going on or perhaps he is afraid of
confronting anyone in his social circle. This does not speak well of him.
SMLSA often confronts him over the disrespect she is
receiving:
My
boyfriend and I frequently fight about the disconnect between his friends’
girlfriends and me. I feel like they don’t see me as anything but his current
squeeze, because (a) we aren’t engaged, and (b) for personal reasons that these
people think are bizarre (and for more personal reasons I don’t share), I don’t
want to live together before marriage.
One understands that SMSLA sees it all through her own lens.
But still, if the friends want the two of them to be engaged, they would
certainly not be treating her like an outsider. Quite the contrary. They would
be welcoming her into their coven. Nevertheless, the fact that her boyfriend
does not defend her and stand up for her signals that something is wrong with
the relationship.
Then again, for all I know the one who needs defending is
the man himself. Could it be that he is being manipulated by a woman who is a
lot older and a lot more mature than he is. If his female friends see things
this way, the chances are very high that they are not misreading the situation.
Unfortunately, they are not being subtle about it, but such is the way of
youth.
Note how SMLSA describes her beau:
He’s
affectionate, kind, and extremely intelligent. He might have been “popular”
with the ladies, but he definitely was not a fuckboy — he’s too sensitive. His
“problems” are that he believes in people and believes that not everyone is out
for nefarious purposes. My “problem” is that I think people are usually out to
advance themselves by cutting down others. We both intellectually know that
people are in the middle.
I imagine that this is what passes for mature conversation
in certain circles. The emphasis on the man’s sensitivity suggests that he is
easy to manipulate. He maintains a naïve optimism about people’s intentions,
which is fine for someone who is just starting law school. She is more hard
headed, believing that most people are trying to advance themselves at other
people’s expense. She closes by suggesting that they both have reached a
meeting of the minds, a compromise, a golden mean between two extremes. It’s a
little too cute to be real.
More importantly, he is allowing his friends
to mistreat his girlfriend. This suggests that he is far too sensitive and that
his role in the couple does not involve defending his girlfriend.
As for Polly’s advice, for those who might care or who
believe that I am depriving them of a nugget of therapeutic wisdom, here it is:
Stop
trying to be impressive and just BE WHO YOU ARE. You’re just a smart, intense woman
who doesn’t know how this relationship will turn out. That bothers you. You
want to know if there’s a happy ending in this picture for you. That’s normal.
Start down this new path by accepting that you’re in an inherently vulnerable
position. It’s okay to feel that. It’s natural that it makes you anxious.
Of course, being who you are might mean acting your age.
And, acting her age might mean finding a boyfriend who is more age appropriate.
Polly does see, though she is perhaps too tactful to mention it, that the situation
does not look like it is heading in the right direction.
So Polly offers a pep talk to someone who is about to lose a
year-long relationship:
But
listen to me: You’re beautiful without contour make-up and you’re worthy
without an interesting backstory and you’re lovable without your amazing
friends who love you. You’re full even when your overactive, defensive mind
tells you that the world will judge you as empty. Try to feel how full you are,
even with nothing, even with empty hands and no prepared case and zero proof.
I will not even attempt to suss out the meaning of the
notion that the letter writer should feel full even if she has nothing. But it does suggest that Polly is anything but optimistic about her relationship. SMLSA ought to take her leave from a relationship that seems to
have serious problems. Not because of how she feels. And not because of how he
feels. But because of how it all looks to other people.
It sounds to me like a woman who chose career over getting married is now concerned about whether or not she will ever marry as she gets a little outside her prime fertility years. But because feminism has taught women to want a "sensitive" man they can control, and men in the lawyer field where she is tend to be a bit hard-nosed, she found herself a younger man who was more controllable. But she still wanted someone who understands her field so they have something to talk about. Ideally, someone who very much looks up to someone in her position. What could be more perfect than a law student?
ReplyDeleteShe doesn't seem to understand that her position as a woman already established as a lawyer might initially get her respect from him, but won't allow the relationship to last as it might if the positions were reversed. He might be getting great homework help and making connections, but his friends know it isn't a serious relationship, regardless of what her emotions are telling her.
Men know if they want to marry the woman they are with within a year. Older women that persist in relationships that go on for 2, 3 or more years w/o the man proposing marriage are deluding themselves or wasting their time.
ReplyDelete