In a profession that increasingly sees its task in terms of
how best to mother people, we are not surprised to see that some therapists are
just too damned nice. So says therapist Kimber Shelton and we agree.
Of course, most of today’s therapists are women. And most of
them are caring and nice people. And yet, Shelton asks, what if your therapist
is too nice? (In passing, I would note that Shelton uses the pronoun “they” in
the singular throughout her article. Her prose becomes clanky and discordant, thus
showing us why no one should use “they” as a singular pronoun.)
A female therapist might be too nice because she wants to
offer a better mothering experience to your regressed self. And she might
believe that mothers offer their children unconditional love. She might want to
repudiate the harsh male tendency to set rules and to judge behavior. She might
want to treat your soul and not worry about how you conduct your life. She might not know about how the world works, so she falls back into an emotional soup. If your
female therapist is not going to help you to overcome the pernicious influence
of patriarchy, what good is she?
Shelton describes the bad therapy offered by overly kind,
overly nice, overly solicitous, and overly weak therapists. Bad therapists tell
you what you want to hear and always make you feel that you were right.
In Shelton’s words (excuse her politically correct pronouns):
Does
your therapist agree with you all the time? Do they shower you with compliments
and praise? Do they smile and nod a lot? Do they always let you lead the
session? Have you noticed you invariably leave sessions in a good mood? These
could be signs you have a supportive, caring, and empathetic helper—or they may
be signs your therapist is too nice.
And also,
If your
therapist always agrees with and never challenges you, there is a good chance
they’re not being objective. Objectivity is often a reason individuals seek
counseling in the first place. Does “I want to talk to someone who doesn’t know
me and won’t just tell me what they think I want to hear” sound familiar?
As it happens, a therapist who merely echoes your thoughts
is feeding your narcissism. Remember the name of the nymph that loved Narcissus: Echo! Shelton recommends that you seek a therapist who
can look at a situation objectively, who can offer different perspectives and
who can guide you toward different actions in the world:
She explains:
It
could be refreshing to hear your therapist state, “Here is another way to
consider what happened …” before you make a major decision or change. Or,
depending on your personality,
you might respond well to a therapist being as forward as stating, “I have to
challenge what you just said. I think something completely different is
happening.” In subjective or too-nice therapy, such challenges are less likely
to occur.
And also:
Getting
practical steps for building social confidence, being provided with strategies
for managing physical symptoms of anxiety, and practicing newly acquired skills
in session demands a high level of involvement and direction from your
therapist. A therapist can certainly ask you what you think you can do to
improve your social skills, but it’s probably nice to also hear, “Here are some
steps we will take to help you build relationships.”
I concur wholeheartedly. Clearly, Shelton has identified a
significant flaw in the way much therapy is practiced. And she offers
suggestions for how to overcome it.
Addressing herself to patients, she recommends that they tell the therapist how they feel. One cringes at such
advice but one also understands that therapists who are too nice and who are
offering too much unconditional love will feel threatened by a suggestion that
they are mistreating their patients. Wouldn't want to hurt their feelings, would we?
But then, Shelton offers an inspired solution to the
problem. If your therapist is offering up too much empathy and agrees with
everything you say, you would do better to find a new therapist.
Credit for Shelton for criticizing the way many of today’s
therapists practice. It takes courage to do so. After all, most of the time when you tell a therapist that you do not like her approach to treatment she will tell you that this can only mean that you have a serious problem... you are resisting the truth.
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