Tree Huggers Anonymous

It began with a hug. It ended in marriage.

Yes, indeed, a woman in Fort Myers, FL just married a tree. Apparently, hugging was not enough. She wanted to go all the way.

Not just any tree, a 100 year old Indian laurel ficus tree. No news about whether or not the new bride Karen Cooper consummated her marriage with the tree. Or whether the centenarian tree has a good supply of Viagra, for just such challenges.

Why did she do it?

Isn’t it obvious? The local authorities had wanted to cut down the tree. They were afraid that if the tree fell over—say, in a storm—the local town would be liable for any damages it caused to human organisms. So, Cooper, unconcerned about her potentially injured fellow citizens, decided to save the tree by marrying it.

One does not know why the husband tree would naturally be spared the chainsaw, but somethings escape our ken. Apparently, Cooper learned about this primitive bonding ritual from Mexican women who married trees in order to save them from deforestation.

How many men do you know who believed that marriage was their salvation, or that marriage was saving their lives?

The New York Post has the details:

The bride wore white and the groom wore bark.

A Florida woman had her heart set on saving a beloved, century-old tree in danger of being cut down — so she “married” it, according to local media.

Karen Cooper’s Saturday nuptials with the Indian laurel ficus tree rooted in Snell Family Park in Fort Myers included floral arrangements, a dog serving as ring-bearer, and a wedding cake decorated with an icing rendering of the tree next to the words “Higher Love,” reported the News-Press.

The wedding dress-clad Cooper and about 50 onlookers exchanged vows to protect the ficus, which was put on the city’s chopping block in December after a prospective buyer of a neighboring lot expressed concerns over his liabilities if the towering tree were to fall.

Of course, we have no information about how the tree consented to the marriage. Did it say: I do. Or did it drop a few leaves on the ceremony? Or does it bark?

Frankly, I find the act of marrying a tree without the tree having given explicit consent to be abusive…. Cooper has taken advantage of a poor, innocent tree…. At least, she cannot be accused of being a child sexual predator... the tree is a hundred years old... largely beyond the age of consent.

Now, if Cooper decides one day to marry a human male, will this make her a bigamist? I suspect that, all things considered, the risk of that happening is small. The moral of the story is that if you cannot find a man who is willing to marry you, go with a tree. Trees do not say No, but they also do not say Yes. It feels like abuse to me.

In this picture, the woman on the left is the blushing bride. The woman on the right seems to be the maid of honor. The tree is in the background.