The Case of the Cold Husband

Here’s a problem for the ages. A woman writes to Washington Post advice columnist Carolyn Hax to complain about her husband’s lack of affection. Apparently, he offers few hugs and few small gestures of kindness. He only seems to care about her when he wants sex. She is so miserable that she is about to call quits on the marriage.

I'd like to warn my husband that I'm unhappy enough that it could destroy us, but I'm not sure how to do it without an ultimatum. I'm unhappy with a general lack of affection, especially the G-rated kind. That bothers me all the more, like I'm only worth an effort when sex is involved.

We've had different versions of this conversation every few months for two years — everything from the serious and tearful, "I'm lonely," to a joking, "Pay attention to me." When I raise the subject, I'll enjoy the sweet forehead kiss, random hug or backrub for a few days, but it never lasts.

Am I overlooking a way to broach this subject? It doesn't seem fair to blindside him with a separation, but I don't want to be a "do this or else" kind of wife and won't stay in a lonely marriage.

She signs herself: Unhappy.

As always happens, she does not tell us anything we need to know to assess the situation. We do not know whether there are children involved, whether the one or the other wants or does not want children. We do not know who has what kind of job. In short, we are flying blind.

We only know that Unhappy is starved for affection… and that she keeps complaining about it. Or better, that she believes that the best approach is to lean in, to assert herself, to demand it. When did that ever work? Never….

She prides herself on not having offered an ultimatum, but that is the least of her problems. Shouldn’t she figure out that asking for affection is not a good way to receive affection? Isn't that the ultimate lesson here?

Unfortunately, Hax gets this one wrong. Here is some of her take:

This isn’t about ultimatums or even what you’re “worth.” This is about who you are and who your husband is, period. You are about regular, G-rated affection. Your husband is not. That’s it. You did the right thing by articulating what you wanted, and he did the right thing when he tried to provide it. But his inability — don’t torture yourself with “willingness” judgments — to show sustained affection contains essential information: His daily-affection set point is below what you want out of life.

In effect, Hax considers this a deal breaker. She condemns the marriage without knowing anything about it. She thinks that the husband is just not very affectionate, but she does not notice that having a whiny and complaining wife constantly demanding affection is guaranteed to produce the response that she is receiving-- no affection.

I would not have offered this letter merely to expose a new piece of bad and, in this case, potentially harmful advice. The letter was part of an online discussion. In the course of that discussion, one participant managed to offer some sane, sound and sober advice.

Here it is:

If I need a hug, I don't wait for hubby to hug me. I go to him and put my arms around him and we hug. Giving affection to him freely makes it easier for him to give me affection freely.

She signed her note: Two-way street.

Isn’t that the point. If you keep complaining about it and asking for it, it cannot be offered freely.