Betraying a Confidence

There is little doubt about right and wrong in this letter. Writing to New York Times columnist Kwame Anthony Appiah, a man wants to know if it was wrong to tell a friend’s girlfriend that the friend cheated on her.

You have to wonder why anyone would arrogate to himself the right to betray a confidence, but the letter writer, an older man, the younger man's mentor seems to think that he did little wrong. Now he is upset that neither member of the young couple is talking to him and that he wife thinks that he's an ass.

So, the issue is: how do these things happen? You were wondering about sexual harassment. Did it ever cross anyone’s mind that bad behavior goes far beyond the more dramatic instances? At a time when serious researchers are claiming that it is bad to keep secrets, how about considering what happens when a man fails to keep a secret? 

Here is the letter:

I am of advanced years but still exercise my profession. Not long ago, after I gave a seminar in my field, a young professional approached me with some questions that I happily answered. We kept in touch, and I became his mentor.

Over time, we became friends: the young man and his live-in partner would come to our house for dinner, and my wife and I would go to theirs.

The relationship between this man and his partner was often bumpy, in large part because of his drinking problem, which also affected him professionally. His partner accused him of infidelity, which he denied. Because of his behavior, his partner moved out for a time; I spent many hours with them on the phone, helping them to work this out, and they got back together.

Not long after, this young man confessed to me that, following their reconciliation, he engaged in sexual activity with several partners during a night of heavy drinking. I was very disturbed, and after several days of agonizing, and mindful that I could not take it back, I decided I needed to speak to his partner and relate what had happened. I did so and then alerted the young man to what I had done.

Since then, we have not spoken, nor have the partner and I spoken, despite my leaving voice mail messages for each. My wife blasted me for destroying the young man’s relationship and for not consulting her before calling his partner. Can you help sort this all out for me?

Not much to sort out here, bunky. You are an ass. You have no sense of propriety. You betray a confidence and violate the trust of a mentee… and you are wondering what you did wrong. By your own admission you are older. Thus, you ought to know better. You don’t. We don't feel sorry for you. We believe that your weak character merits the mess you produced. Worse yet, having seen the calamity you incited, you do not even feel any shame for your own bad behavior. Isn't that the worst part of the letter?

What does Appiah have to say?

In ordinary circumstances — and, alas, that is what these are — when someone tells you something with the implicit expectation that you won’t tell his partner, you shouldn’t contemplate breaking that confidence without first telling him. One reason is that the confidence-sharer has the right to try to dissuade you, especially when, as here, he knows more than you about the disclosure’s possible consequences. It would also have allowed him to pre-empt you by passing on the information himself and so manage the consequences as he thought best.

You also took this important decision without consulting your wife. (Is it because you suspected that she would talk you out of it?) But she, too, has relationships with these younger people, and she might have helped you think through your decision; she might also have been better placed than you to pass on the information if, in the end, you still decided it was right to do so.

Fair enough, and sensible too. After all, Appiah is trying to get through to the dolt… so naturally he needs to use a little nuance.

But then, Appiah becomes slightly judgmental. The fault, he says, lies with the man who betrayed his commitment to his girlfriend. True enough, but not entirely germane to the question at hand.

On the other hand, I don’t entirely agree with your wife that it was you who destroyed the relationship between this young man and his partner. Your young friend did that when he got drunk and cheated. And given that you were friends with both of them, he left you in a quandary when he told you of his misbehavior.

Actually, I don’t think it was a quandary. It was simple. When someone takes you into his confidence you have no right to share the information with someone who is obviously going to be hurt by the disclosure. And you have no business using the information as a weapon against a new friend, sabotaging his relationship for no reason beyond your own need to feel morally superior. The inability to keep a secret is a major character flaw. It is even worse when you are the person's mentor. Let’s not even try to excuse it.