The Boyfriend Experience

If I have to explain what the girlfriend experience is, you are not old enough to be reading this blog. Given that you know about said experience, I am happy to report that Chinese women now have the option of going to bars where they can purchase the boyfriend experience. 

Fair enough, the boyfriend experience does not appear to involve getting down and dirty, but still, it does provide unmarried women something that many of them prefer more than sex.

That is, for a reasonable fee they can purchase the undivided attention of a man who will actually listen to them. For those women who are incipient feminist divorcees this is totally worth the money. Being a feminist in China apparently means that no man will listen to you unless you pay for the privilege. I am not sure what that means, but I will leave it to your imagination.

Still, the practice does go part of the way toward answering Freud’s infamous question: What do women want? I say this slightly in jest, because the bars and cafes that offer the boyfriend experience seem more geared to what feminists want-- which is not the same thing.

So, here goes, from a website called The Sixth Tone via Maggie's Farm:

At 40 years old, Zheng says she’s tired of searching for the perfect man. So she’s decided to hire one instead.

Whenever she feels like some male company, the divorcée heads to a café in central Shanghai named The Promised Land. There, she spends hours being pampered by a handsome young server, who fetches her drinks, watches movies with her, and listens attentively to her anecdotes.

The sessions cost over 400 yuan ($60) each time, but Zheng says they’re worth every cent.

“The butlers respect me and care about my feelings,” she tells Sixth Tone. “Even if you have a boyfriend, he might not be this sweet, right?”

There is the first point: for a modest fee she can find a young man who will care about her feelings. Or, to be fair, who will pretend to care about her feelings. The boyfriend experience is not quite the same thing as having an actual boyfriend. But, then again, maybe it is.

Of course, there are equivalent cafes for men who are looking for women who will entertain them and will laugh at their jokes and tell them how wonderful they are. Apparently, it all began in Japan. In truth, some of them exist in my own New York City neighborhood. They are called hostess clubs.

Originally from Japan, butler cafés allow customers to spend time with a team of dashing young waiters for an hourly fee. They’re a counterpart to the more mainstream “maid cafés,” which feature waitresses dressed in maid costumes serving a primarily male clientele.

Now, the businesses are spreading rapidly in major Chinese cities; the review site Dianping lists dozens of outlets offering “butler” services. Posts about the cafés have frequently gone viral on the Instagram-like social platform Xiaohongshu in recent months.

The outlets have found success by tapping into the frustrations of Chinese women, many of whom feel society remains far too patriarchal. Studies have found that China’s wives are less happy in their relationships than their husbands in all age groups.

The second quality that women buy when they contract for a boyfriend experience is control. Yes, indeed, they are in charge. This makes feminists feel strong and empowered:

Mero, one of The Promised Land’s three female co-founders, says the café aims to give women a space where they have control.

“Our mission is simple: We want to take care of women’s needs as much as possible,” says Mero, who, along with her employees and customers, spoke with Sixth Tone using a pseudonym for privacy reasons.

At the Promised Land, which opened last October, customers can choose which man they want, what activities they’ll do together, and even how he’ll dress (a traditional suit and tie or a Japanese-style school uniform are popular choices). They can also book a butler to accompany them on shopping trips and other errands through the café’s “one-day boyfriend” service.

Of course, this is beginning to sound like hiring a servant. Apparently, this is why these men are called butlers.

You can see that this looks like a feminist fairy tale. For a fee a young men will act just like a feminist wants him to act. Think of it, a man who does not mansplain, and who lets the woman win a game. Better yet, he will make her feel strong and empowered:

Most of the clientele are university-educated women, who are more “open-minded,” according to Mero. They spend 600 yuan per visit on average, though some pay as much as 25,000 yuan to become VIP members — giving them access to special parties with the butlers and other perks.

Wang Qian, a 24-year-old student, is a regular visitor to the café. She tells Sixth Tone she enjoys the feeling of empowerment she gets from spending time there.

According to Wang, many of the men she meets in normal life are pu xin nan — a term popularized by the female comedian Yang Li that roughly translates as “men who are so average, yet so confident.” The butlers, however, are considerate and never mansplain anything to her, she says.

“When I play games with my male friends, sometimes they’ll just keep winning without making you feel involved,” says Wang. “But with the butlers, they’ll notice that and make you feel accomplished in the game.”

One woman, now divorced, found herself being a harridan during her marriage. She used to yell and scream at her husband. Now, she does not have to yell and scream at the boy toy whose services she purchases:

When she was married, Zheng often didn’t feel liked — or likable. She felt forced to play the role of the nagging wife, shouting at her husband to get up in time for work each morning. She loves that at the café, she becomes a woman who deserves to be respected and served.

“I saw myself back then as a woman who was always yelling, and I didn’t like that,” says Zheng. “When I’m with the butlers, I almost whisper to them.”

Her more conservative friends disapprove of her new pastime, but Zheng doesn’t care. After her marriage broke down following her husband’s affair, she decided to stop playing along with society’s expectations, she says. She now dyes her hair silver and openly identifies as a feminist.

“In the traditional Chinese mindset, men should be the breadwinners,” she says. “But there’s nothing wrong with women consuming men for fun.”

Of course, we do not know whether the breakup of her marriage and her husband’s affair had anything to do with the fact that she was screaming at him all the time. We would not want to presume. But, now that she has gotten off the marriage track, she dyes her hair white and is a true feminist.

Personally, I am not quite sure what it means for women to be consuming men. One would need to know Mandarin better than I do to perform the proper exegesis.

Of course, the sex question must arise. Are these boy toys being contracted for anything more than companionship and for making feminists feel strong and empowered. They insist that they are not, but one has a right to question the assertion:

Appearance anxiety isn’t the only challenge the butlers face. Several tell Sixth Tone that customers often mistake them for rent boys, and they regularly face sexual harassment in the café.

The problem is so extensive, Promised Land has had to introduce strict policies banning any form of sexual contact. Each room is equipped with a security camera, which monitors the butlers’ interactions with customers.

“I’ve had countless requests to have intimate physical contact,” says Changze, a celebrity-level butler who dresses in the style of a Japanese pop star. “I’ll usually say I’m very shy, but if they insist, I’ll say our café doesn’t allow us to do that.”

It’s hard to believe that women sexually harass these men, but apparently such is the case.

In their heart of hearts the young men who sell these services do not believe any of it. They do not respect their feminist dominatrixes and find it all rather tedious:

Some butlers, meanwhile, privately admit they dislike China’s feminist movement. Though they treat their female customers like royalty at work, several make clear they’re only doing so for money. Junxi hates when women talk about feminism online: “They’re too irrational,” he says.

“Although now we say men and women are equal, there are still lots of conservative men who don’t believe men should serve women,” he adds.

This point isn’t lost on Chinese feminists. Though some have hailed butler cafés as a step forward for female liberation, others argue they’re nothing but a distraction.

“Sisters, let’s calm down! The reason the butlers are tall, handsome, and gentle is because you’re paying — making you happy is just their job,” read one highly upvoted comment under an article on social app WeChat. 

“Just think, they might be the same men who call you rude nicknames while you’re playing video games.”