Toxic Positivity

Once upon a time psycho professionals accepted the Freudian theory, namely that life was a tragedy. They imagined that it made them tough minded, willing to confront reality.

Yet, all the negativity made people unhappy. At times it made them depressed. So the great minds in the psycho world came up with positivity, seeing the bright side of things, seeing the glass half full, which quickly morphed into-- ignoring the reality of the situation and dismissing the sufferer as inadequate.

When the Daily Mail reports the story, it tells us that the suffering person ought to be getting in touch with his feelings, that he ought to be processing his emotions. Such is the standard therapeutic wisdom. It is bad advice. Often the suffering individual ought to be doing something to alleviate the suffering, even to solve the problem. Telling him that it’s not a problem does nothing for him.

The Daily Mail reports:

Psychologists have suggested that 'toxic positivity' - the belief that no matter how dire a situation is people must maintain a positive mindset - could be just as dangerous. 

While intentions may come from the right place, telling someone in a difficult spot to 'stay positive' may minimise or brush their problems under the carpet - when it may have taken some effort to bring them to the fore in the first place.

What happens when you shower someone with toxic positivity? They feel dismissed and demeaned. They imagine that their problems are unimportant, something that any sensible, rational adult could easily deal with it. Toxic positivity tells people to ignore problems:

When somebody comes to you with a problem, telling them to ignore what they are feeling to focus on what they should be grateful for in their life may do a lot more harm than you think.

 

When discussing your emotions and feelings it is always best to let that person speak and explain what they are feeling.

Instantly dismissing that and telling them to focus on something good in their lives may not be the best advice. 

It could lead to someone burying down that bad feeling, which can then create further problems down the road. 

Unfortunately, therapy speak emphasizes feelings. In truth the authors should have said that people should address their problems, their difficulties, their conundra. Getting in touch with their feelings will not advance that cause. It will not help them to deal with their problems.

With that caveat, it is mindless and dismissive to tell someone that things could be worse. It’s like knowing that someone’s child has just died and you respond that at least one child survived.

Similar to 'everything happens for a reason', 'it could be worse' is another dangerous saying that can make people avoid addressing their true feelings. 

Negative feelings don't have to be such a frightful thought and actually delving into what is making you unhappy can help.

Telling someone 'well, at least you're not dead' ignores the real problems at hand.  

Dealing with the problems does not mean dealing with the emotions. It means, overcoming suffering by taking consequential action:

When somebody comes to you with a problem your instinct might tell you to deflect away from the issue and compliment them on something to make them feel happy. 

However, telling someone their hair looks gorgeous when they're going through a break-up can again lead to a build up of repressed negative feelings. 

Someone who is clearly in a difficult space does not want to hear how glowing their skin looks... 

True enough. Such comments are banal and dismissive. It suggests that they have no right to their problems, and that you, if you had the problems, would easily solve them.

The moral of the story is that the psycho world traffics in banalities. It turns useful insights into mindless slogans. Among them the notion that positivity is the solution to all problems, and that a friend will  naturally help a friend to feel more competent, by diminishing the problem and by offering excessive praise.