Back to the Office

Business coaches have been spending countless billable hours pontificating about the virtue of work from home. More and more people are avoiding the office, and especially the commute, in order to cozy up to their computers and to work from home.

A few intrepid managers and executives have now decided that this is a bad idea. Led by Elan Musk and Jamie Dimon, they are doing their best to force workers back into the office.

One might mention, in passing, that the work from home phenomenon has emptied out office buildings in places like New York City and San Francisco. Surely, this has damaged the commercial real estate market. It also threatens the banks that hold mortgages on these buildings. It’s a slow-motion train wreck.

Now, one Octavia Goredema has written a rather uninteresting and vapid essay in the Harvard Business Review about her discovering that working from home made her feel lonely. (via Maggie’s Farm) One admires her for discovering that the biggest problem about working from home is loneliness, a sense of disconnection from other people. And yet, she then slathers on the psychobabble and opines at length about needs and feelings. 

And she proposes that people set up friend groups that will allow them to connect with other people on a more or less regular basis.

And yet, these friend groups do not comprise colleagues and coworkers. And therefore they do not produce, in any but simulated form, the advantage of working with others in an office.

I will mention the point, because Gordema ignores it. Going to the office allows you to belong to something, to be part of an organized group that has a defined purpose. When you go to the office you are identified by your role and you need to follow the rules of personal and professional interaction. Whether you imagining that you need it or not, the truth remains, that hanging out with your friends in a local coffee shop does not provide a reasonable facsimile of the experience. And, dare we mention, that when you are hanging around an office, engaging in everyday interactions with colleagues, work gets done because ideas get exchanged. When you hang out with your friend group, you might feel that you are gaining a respite from work.

They are not the same thing.

For the record, Goredema opens by explaining how she started to feel lonely at home.

However, as time progressed, I started to feel lonely. I was able to laser-focus on my work, but my interactions with others were driven solely by virtual meeting agendas or email. I noticed I was becoming less enthused and more withdrawn. I spent too much time scrolling social media because I was silently craving connection with others. I was slowly but steadily becoming isolated.

And then, she goes on to show how little she understands about loneliness.

Loneliness is the distress and discomfort we feel when we perceive a gap between the social connection we want and the quantity and quality of the relationships we currently have. That gap might feel slight or huge based on how we’re wired and our unique set of needs. Sadly, prevalent feelings of loneliness were on the rise even before the Covid-19 pandemic, with 61% of respondents to a 2020 study conducted by Cigna reporting feeling lonely.

We have known for some time that loneliness is a problem. It is a significant social psychological problem. Defining it as a gap between what we need and what we want is simply wrong. We need social connections. We need to belong to groups. We need to learn how to function within groups. Having a bunch of friends does not make up for not feeling part of a work group. The two are incommensurate, a specious analogy.

Start the process by considering what this feeling of loneliness means to you. Identifying your needs is essential because how you interpret and experience loneliness will be strikingly different from how someone else does.

Dare I mention that feelings of loneliness do not mean a damn thing. Knowing what they mean, even learning what they supposedly mean from a therapist, will do nothing for your sense of loneliness. Even the stopgap solution of hanging around with friends will not compensate for not feeling like a member of a group that has a defined purpose.

Consider what you need in order to feel like you’re connected and thriving at work. What type of interactions and levels of engagement do you enjoy? Is it small talk, one-on-one meetings, or group conversations? Are you looking for a lunch buddy? Do you wish you had a bigger team to collaborate with?

Sadly, Goredema descends into psychobabble and therapy culture platitudes. She recommends that people introspect, that they get in touch with their feelings, that they allow their feelings to guide them.

As you do so, pay attention to how you feel. If you continue to feel lonely as you work on the next steps, don’t hold back from talking to someone, such as a coworker or a friend, about what you’re experiencing. 

The more important point is that loneliness is bad for your health. She makes this point and it is worth underscoring:

A recent study published by The BMJ shows that social isolation and loneliness can lead to higher risks for a variety of physical and mental health conditions, such as sleep problems, low self-esteem, high blood pressure, anxiety, and depression. If you, or someone close to you, have concerns that your remote work environment is having a negative impact on your well-being, talk to a health professional to get the support you need.

Unfortunately, having recourse to a licensed credentialed mental health professional will only serve to confuse you. Said professional will most likely make you feel like you need to do more therapy or that you need to spend more time with your friends. The truth of the matter is, the solution is to go back to the office. 

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