I am confident that if you want to know about character building you are not going to turn to New York Times columnist David Brooks.
I do not want to say that Brooks, with his jejune musings, is always wrong, but surely he has missed the point.
Being an ethical individual means following certain rules. When you follow those rules you become a functioning member of a community, someone who is trustworthy and reliable. When you fail to follow those rules, you are a miscreant or a malcontent.
As it happens, we learn good behavior before we know why we have learned good behavior. We learn table manners before we know why we need to practice them. And, if we want to have good character, we practice good table manners… even when we are eating alone.
Brooks, fully in touch with his feminine side, believes that it all requires a transformation of the heart, but that just shows that he sees things from an inside/out perspective. He does not know that you do not learn to follow rules by improving your heart, your compassion or your empathy. You can feel your deepest feelings, but if you do not know how to use a knife and fork, according to local custom, you are going to be considered a dolt. And you are going to be excluded from certain events.
Here is a sample of Brooks’s drivel:
Moral formation isn’t just downloading content into a bunch of brains; it involves an inner transformation of the heart. It involves helping students change their motivations so that they want to lead the kind of honorable and purposeful lives that are truly worth wanting. It’s more about inspiration than information.
It is not about changing your motivations. It’s about following rules. These are not the same thing. And it is not about having a change of heart. It’s about developing a good habit, and doing it unthinkingly.
Brooks does better when he suggests that character is developed within a group. He calls these groups institutions, but family and community are not institutions. Simply put, all human societies have table manners, but they do not all have the same table manners.
They are formed within an institution — whether it’s a school, a biker gang, a company or the Marine Corps — that has a distinct ethos, that holds up certain standards (“This is how we do things here”). In this way habits and temperament are slowly engraved upon the people in the group.
But then, Brooks goes off the rails and pretends that having good character means being a good listener, and showing proper empathy for the stories you will be hearing.
Treating people well involves practicing certain skills, which can be taught just as the skills of carpentry and tennis can be taught. First there are the skills of understanding — being good at listening and conversation, and eliciting life stories so that you can accurately see the people around you and make them feel seen.
You are not making people feel seen. You are making them feel like they belong to the group. The Brooks distortion is more like therapy than like working together.
Then there are the skills of consideration, how to treat people well in the complex circumstances of life: how to offer criticism with care; how to break up with someone without crushing the person’s heart; how to ask for and offer forgiveness; how to end a conversation or a dinner party gracefully. Many students today don’t learn these skills at school or anywhere else.
It’s all about having the right manners, following the right customs and norms. And to do so at ritualized social events.
These range from family dinners to celebratory ceremonies. You need not have the right feelings. You need not feel empathy for your fellow participants. But you do need to show up and to practice the proper manners. And to follow the dress code and the grooming code.
Obviously, Brooks’ sense of moral character development is largely off the mark:
People don’t become better versions of themselves as they acquire intellectual information; they get better as they acquire emotional knowledge — the ability to be made indignant by injustice, outraged by cruelty, to know how to gracefully do things with people, not for people.
Of course, this catalogue of moral sentiments is deceptive. You can feel all the right feelings. You can be appalled at the right injustices. But, if you have no table manners; if you do not show up for dinner; if you do not share food with others; if you speak out of turn and ignore everyone else-- you are simply a dolt and will likely not be invited back.
We should not allow people to believe that thinking the right thoughts, feeling the right feelings and believing the right beliefs is going to gain you membership and standing in the nation.
If we were to follow Brooks, we would imagine that the right state of mind will gain us access to social groups, to family dinners and company picnics. Again, those who recommend that holding certain opinions will grant us access to the right groups are lying to us. Or else, they are simply confused.