Friday, April 9, 2010

Coaching Lessons: The Rule of Three

How do you deal with rudeness? What is the right response to impoliteness, insults, and impudence? What do you do when someone treats you with disrespect, whether intentional or accidental?

The question often comes up in discussions of rudeness, but we rarely have anything like a rule, a guideline, that tells us when to ignore it and when to respond.

Dare I say, there's rudeness and there's rudeness. No rule applies to every different kind of rudeness. But Peter Bregman's rule, which he calls the rule of three, feels as good as any that I have seen. Link here.

Bregman applies this rule, or better, he shows how it can be applied to workplace situations, especially those where an employee or a colleague commits minor infractions against corporate decorum.

It matters that we sensitize ourselves to these minor breaches, because it is much better to clarify a relationship when the problems are less emotionally charged and less costly.

If you want to judge someone's character, it is best to look for the small things. In that way you will not be too shocked when you discover that the person's character is wanting in relation to more vital issues.

Bregman offers the case of Anne, who was, on one occasion, ten minutes late to a client meeting. Bregman noticed her tardiness and said nothing. Anyone can be late for reasons beyond her control.

Second, Anne handed in a report two hours later than she had promised. Bregman started thinking that he was seeing a pattern of bad behavior emerge. Still, she might have been interrupted. His judgment was taking form, but it was not clear enough to merit an intervention.

Third, Anne bowed out of a conference call with a colleague, in an email, without offering an explanation. At that point Bregman decided that he had to address the pattern.

I will emphasize, as does Bregman, that none of these faults were costly for the company. Were it not for their indication of a certain carelessness toward professional duties, he could easily have overlooked them.

But, as I said, it is better to help Anne to correct her behavior and improve her character before she commits a fault that costs the company an account.

If Bregman had intervened after the first lapse, he would have looked overly sensitive, as though he were taking a random occurrence personally. It might have appeared that he was overcome with personal pique, and this would have drawn attention away from Anne's behavior.

If he had intervened after the second lapse, he might have looked overly critical, as though he were jumping on her for situations that were out of her control. Anne might have been late to the meeting because of an unavoidable traffic tie-up, and she might have had to hand in the report late because some she was unexpectedly forced to run out to pick up a child from school. Twice forms a pattern, but it the presumption of good character is sufficient to override two errors.

After the third lapse, Bregman says that he had to confront her. For my part I would not avoid the notion of confrontation. Many people will read the word confrontation and think that they should, under such circumstances, adopt a confrontational tone.

Bregman wants simply to bring the issue to Anne's attention. He does not want to attack her; he does not want to accuse her of anything; he wants to give her the opportunity to recognize that she has been developing a reputation for being unreliable and untrustworthy, and that, if it continues, the behavior will compromise her prospects for career advancement.

So, the rule is: when someone offends you the first time, notice it, and let it go. When he offends you the second time, register it as evidence of a developing pattern, and do not say anything. When he offends you the third time, you are within your rights to bring it to his attention. After the third time there can be little question of your overreacting, of being overly sensitive, or of looking for a fight.

Of course, the larger issue is whether or not there is something magical about the number three? I mean that semi-seriously.

For example, I have long advocated written thank-you notes. Everyone who has anything to say about etiquette and decorum says the same. I have made something like an original contribution in saying that a sincere and thoughtful thank-you note should contain three, and exactly three, sentences.

6 comments:

  1. I've had the great benefit of working for some great leaders. I've led a lot of people under difficult circustances.

    I don't like the "Rule of Three".

    Allowing them to "establish a trend" is unfair to them and the company. Out of courtesy, and respect, they should know earlier. It takes finesse and gently, gently....

    1st time you notice something "off" (noticing is not enough): Be direct, and offer help.

    You are on their side: "The client was waiting a bit. Can I help free up some time?"

    If you're a good leader, and established a good relationship, there may not be a 2nd time for a long time (no one is perfect).

    2nd time: Engage them with humor and allow them to help you this time.

    You're already on their side, you gotta keep them on your side (gently, gently): "Is that big doorstop on your desk working OK? Or did the network crap out again? I got your report late and I had to scramble around. I need your help."

    That's usually the end of it, unless there are big problems or they are incorrigible. Help them help you and the company.

    Third time (really?): Bring them back into the fold and give them a chance to do the right thing

    "This is a good team. You are a good performer: What do we need to do to get back to top performance?"

    Then listen and listen some more.

    If that still doesn't work (4th time?), they are a problem child and you'll have to start formal administrative action, counselling, write ups....

    There should be constant and casual feedback between you and your people. Usually they want to do a good job, but something is preventing them. As a leader, you remove the obstacles to good performance. If that doesn't work, then they are the obstacle.

    --Gray

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  2. How do you deal with rudeness? What is the right response to impoliteness, insults, and impudence? What do you do when someone treats you with disrespect, whether intentional or accidental?

    I think those are completely different cases than a subordinate being late or underperforming.

    Actual rudeness? Confrontation. Right now. An imperfect immediate response to rudeness is the antidote to L'esprit d'escalier.

    Impoliteness, insults and impudence? Pistols at 20 paces. Don't put up with that. Bark back.

    Accidental disrespect? Bark, but listen De-escalate instantly and apologize for barking if they apologize first.

    Intentional disrespect? Now it's on. Bark and don't back down unless major concessions are made and drinks are offered to smooth it over.

    --Gray

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  3. How do you deal with rudeness? What is the right response to impoliteness, insults, and impudence? What do you do when someone treats you with disrespect, whether intentional or accidental?

    I think those are completely different cases than a subordinate being late or underperforming.

    Actual rudeness? Confrontation. Right now. An imperfect immediate response to rudeness is the antidote to L'esprit d'escalier.

    Impoliteness, insults and impudence? Pistols at 20 paces. Don't put up with that. Bark back.

    Accidental disrespect? Bark, but listen De-escalate instantly and apologize for barking if they apologize first.

    Intentional disrespect? Now it's on. Bark and don't back down unless major concessions are made and drinks are offered to smooth it over.

    --Gray

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  4. Oops. I didn't mean to post twice. Very sorry.

    --Gray

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  5. Thanks for the comments and clarifications, Gray. I liked Bregman's example because it was ambiguous. Was Anne being intentionally irresponsible or were there real impediments.

    As I understand the rule of three, it suggests that the person has to have been unreliable often enough so that when you bring it to her attention it will be immediately clear to her that the problem is hers.

    If she has only erred once, or even twice, there is a possibility that she will be able to walk away from responsibility, by shifting the blame to an overly sensitive boss.

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  6. Was Anne being intentionally irresponsible or were there real impediments.

    I always intially err on the side of believing there are real impediments. I always believe I have smart, honest people working for me. Until they prove they aren't.

    --Gray

    WV: Cymode: a cybernetic-commode.

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