Dare we say, he does not seem to concern himself with the male perspective on this question. A curious omission.
Anyway, here is his opening:
Younger and middle-aged men are the loneliest they’ve been in generations, and it’s probably going to get worse.
Then he says that men are the larger portion of the long term single. One finds this rather strange, because if more men are long term alone then, logically speaking, more women would also be long term alone.
This is not my typical rosy view of relationships but a reality nonetheless. Over the last 30 years, men have become a larger portion of that growing group of long-term single people. And while you don’t actually need to be in a relationship to be happy, men typically are happier and healthier when partnered.
As it happens, and on the basis of very little evidence, Matos suggests that women are becoming increasingly selective. And that men are failing the test of empathetic communications skills.
With so many options, it’s not surprising that women are increasingly selective. I do a live TikTok show (@abetterloveproject) and speak with hundreds of audience members every week; I hear recurring dating themes from women between the ages of 25 and 45: They prefer men who are emotionally available, who are good communicators, and who share their values.
In the first place, if women want partners who are emotionally available, who are good communicators and who share their values, they would do better to marry women. Their partner choice is seriously narcissistic.
Of course, Matos does not consider that women at age 25 are not in the same position as women who are age 45. It’s a matter of genetics and hormones. These women all believe that they have never been hotter and that they are totally desirable. Clearly, this is not a male perspective.
Evidently, we would want to ask whether the men in question want to have children or not. This would obviously impact their willingness to have a relationship with a women who are 45. Duh?
Better yet, are these women feminists? Did they learn their relationship expectations in Women's Studies courses? Do they denounce the patriarchy and insist that their men do the dishes and share all household chores?
And then there are issues like: do they engage in casual sex before building a relationship? One might mention that women who hook up are telling men that they do not want relationships. At least, that is what men believe. And that is certainly what said men's mothers believe.
Why would a man confide in a woman who does not want a relationship?
And, of course, these women are assuming, as an article of faith, that they are eminently desirable, that they have never been hotter and that they are completely self-sufficient. And what if a man’s perspective does not accord with their bloated self-esteem?
Just because all of her girlfriends consider a woman to be the best of the best, that does not necessarily concord with a male perspective. And besides, men are no longer allowed to express their preferences. They are no longer allowed to say that they want to marry someone who is going to be a wife. So, they suppress their opinions and act them out.
Dare we mention that the Matos equation does not include any considerations of having a defined relationship, like a marriage.
Besides, sad to have to say it, but the disparities between male and female communication style has been studied and discussed for decades now. Over three decades ago Deborah Tannen opened up this field. Strangely, Matos, drowning in his own empathy, ignores it completely.
We cannot say as much of Daily Mail columnist Max Pemberton. The good doctor does a far better job of helping us to understand why men and women do not communicate, or better why they are not going to be able to communicate when imperious women insist on imposing their own conditions for said communications.
It ought to have been obvious to Matos, but it was not, that the women who are attempting to impose conditions on relationships are probably not very desirable to men and are pretending to blame men lest they have to recognize that their own beliefs and experiences have written them out of the marriage market. Nothing like shifting the blame.
Pemberton offers his more sane and sage view:
But are men that bad at communicating? I’m not convinced. I think the issue is that, increasingly, society views the way women communicate — sitting down with a coffee and having a chinwag, opening their heart and discussing the minutiae of every emotion — as the way to do it.
So, we live in an increasingly feminized society and women believe that all men should be just like them. This causes them to fail to understand the way men communicate:
Yet, I listen to men in conversation and they’re not the closed books many believe. Rather than talk about feelings for the sake of it, they tend to discuss concrete, real-world things such as sport or politics, and then punctuate this with snippets of how they are feeling and their problems.
For me, the real issue lies not in the contrasting methods by which the two sexes communicate, but in the different expectations to the responses given.
Pemberton continues:
The complaint I often heard when working with couples was that the man didn’t ‘listen’ — but when you drilled down into exactly what this meant, it was often that he didn’t respond in the way that was required. This meant that, while he may have heard what his partner was saying, he didn’t make the right emotional noises back to her. One wife illustrated the problem perfectly.
She would come home each evening and wanted to talk about her day. She’d recount all the ups and downs in the office and her husband would sit silently as she talked on, except when he occasionally responded by offering advice.
And Pemberton makes an excellent point. Women drone on about their feelings and fill the air with their complaints because they have been told that it’s therapeutic. They have been told that they must talk it all out, lest they repress something and get cancer:
There’s a view that talking about problems — airing things for the sake of it — is good for your mental health. You may be surprised to learn that there’s actually no good evidence for this.
Certainly, men are more likely to take their own lives, but the reasons for this are incredibly complex and can’t simply be put down to men not talking about their feelings enough.
Interestingly, despite women being lauded for their communication style, they don’t experience any better mental health. In fact, they are more prone than men to conditions such as depression and anxiety.
A nice conclusion. You would think that women, for all their ability to express their feeling and for all of their empathy, would enjoy better mental health. The truth is, they do not.
So, put that in your hookah and puff on it.
[Afterthought: One hates to mention it, but one feels compelled to give it at least an afterthought. If we referring to the over-forty women in my neighborhood, we remark that nearly all of them have had their faces treated with Botox. Hmmm. For those who do not live in my neighborhood, take a gander one day at Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer. Her face has not moved in ten years.
Putting aside the aesthetics of masking your facial features, I would note that people do not just express themselves and do not just communicate by using language. They communicate via facial expressions. The easiest way to know how anyone is feeling is to mimic-- unconsciously-- his or her facial expressions. When a woman Botoxes her face, she cancels this mode of communication. The man who unconsciously mimics her facial expressions does not feel feelings. He feels a basic deadness.]