The Case of the Ice Princess

I have on occasion commented favorably about the advice offered by Washington Post columnist Carolyn Hax. I mention this so you know that I am fair and balanced. Yet, today, Hax does considerable damage to her reputation for clear-eyed judgment by her response to a woman who is unhappy about some of the life choices that her boyfriend’s daughter, Becca, is taking.

Becca, you see, is a woman of her time. While reading this excerpt from the letter, I would request, ever so politely, that you consider whether or not the behavior of an army of Beccas has anything to do with the proliferation of sexual harassment. For anyone who has reached the age of adult reason, Becca does not respect herself. She is hellbent on endangering her moral being and her life. Apparently, no one cares. Not only does Carolyn Hax not care; she is cheering Becca on.

Here is an excerpt from the letter:

I’m struggling with keeping an open mind about Len’s daughter, “Becca.” While Becca is beautiful and smart, she is also, for someone in her early 20s, opinionated, sarcastic and very open about her sex life. She describes herself as “aromantic” (i.e. not interested in anything long term with men), which I would find equally unacceptable if she were male. She couldn’t be more different from my daughters, and while I know that’s her right, I find myself silently judging her choices all of the time. She also engages in risky sports like rock- and ice-climbing, which do worry Len a lot but she doesn’t let that bother her at all.

Silently Judging

Obviously, Becca is in trouble. Becca is about to get herself into much more trouble. She acts as though she is fearless but she has moved beyond risk taking. If she was so happy with her lifestyle choices, why is she indulging in potentially suicidal behavior. If she is open and honest and shameless about her sexual behavior, she should not be surprised that some of today’s young men treat her accordingly. If Becca's peers all approve of her behavior they are inviting men to treat them as vulgar tarts. Please excuse the foul language. 

One understands, and one emphasizes-- for those who do not understand-- that Becca has been brainwashed by our culture. She is allowing herself to be pimped out by her feminist godmothers.

What does Carolyn Hax have to say? Well, Hax thinks that Becca is utterly and totally great.

She writes:

Wait a minute. Fully grown Becca shouldn’t climb because her daddy doesn’t like it? She should commit to a man long term even though she’s not interested (and these unions are wretched, regardless of whether a man or woman forces them)? She can be opinionated and sarcastic, but only if it stops by her early 20s?

I’d take a hundred Beccas over one more 1955.

You don’t have to love her or even enjoy her company, but please at least recognize:

How badly the world needs its Beccas and other characters. How your own daughters today reap the benefits of the fearless Beccas of yesterday.

How boring the world would be if all the Beccas were shamed into hiding by people who think brassiness is just a failure of breeding and taste.

How unseemly it is to judge others, period, whose chief offense is to be different from you, as if the superiority of your way is a given.

Again — don’t like her? Okay. Your prerogative. She may well have crossed the line anyway between being her badass self and seeking attention for it. But that’s not what you’ve cited here, and not what you’re judging.

What you find distasteful about Becca all sounds like a 2018 remix of, so help me, her not acting like a lady. And the remedy for judging is to internalize how wrong it is to judge.

The girl is putting herself into danger. And Hax can feel nothing but contempt for women who want to act more like ladies, who want to be treated with courtesy and respect.

Becca is acting like she has no self-respect. And Hax thinks that the letter writer, an older woman, mother to her own grown daughters, is being judgmental. When women are out marching against sexual harassment, committed by progressive, feminist men, you should ask yourself where they ever got the idea that their crude, lewd and rude—not to mention criminal—attempts to pick up girls would be received positively.

Obviously, a man who crosses a line crosses a line. A man who commits a crime commits a crime. No one is against punishing those that do. And yet, punishing men for their bad behavior is not the same thing as changing the culture in order to ensure that this does not happen. When you try to control behavior with threats of punishment you numb men’s moral sense and induce them to think, not about the right way to treat women, but of what they can get away with.

And yet, by absolving women of responsibility for their behavior, for telling them that they can do anything they please, we are saying that when bad things happen, the fault is never theirs. Since we do not want to write this into a crime-punishment narrative, we would assert that women have an important say in how they are seen and treated by other people. For all the screeching about how women must have a say in the way they live their lives, this new amorality tells them that they have no say in the way they are treated. The rule also applies to men. If you want people to respect you, show by your appearance and your language that you respect yourself.

Hax wants everyone to shut up about Becca’s bad behavior. Because if you can control everyone’s mind the behavior will become less bad.

And yet, Becca’s moral sense, however dormant, knows that she is being manipulated into taking extremely risky behavior. So she doubles down on risk and is overdosing on cheap thrills. Have you considered that the chemical rush she receives from such semi-suicidal activities serves to dull her moral sense, her sense of shame. Even if Hax and our moral guardian class can convince the world not to judge Becca, one of these days, her father’s girlfriend suspects, the ice cliffs will judge Becca.

It will be a sad day for Becca, for her father, for her father’s girlfriend. Hopefully it will be a wake-up call for Carolyn Hax and anyone else who has been encouraging the Beccas of this world.