Dating as Therapy

The long march of therapy through America’s institutions continues apace. Unfortunately, its invasion of what we call dating has done nothing more than make people into chronic daters. Is it not somewhat indicative when we learn, from Dani Blum’s New York Times article, that her first example has been on dozens of dates in a year. Does that not suggest that dating has become an end in itself. It is no longer a prelude to a relationship or even a marriage.

In any event, Blum wants to highlight a relatively recent phenomenon from dating apps. Namely, that more and more people are judging their prospective dates on the basis of criteria that derive from therapy. If that does not scare you, nothing will. One regrets that Blum insists on using grammatically incorrect pronouns, thus turning her own prose into an incoherent hash.

In the meantime, Blum is correct to notice that the language of therapy has become lingua franca in the dating scene.

Becca Love, a 40-year-old clothing designer and dance teacher in Montreal who uses the pronouns they and them, often asks dating app matches, What does connection look like to you? Around the third date, they initiate discussions about their prospective partner’s “attachment style,” a tidy summation of childhood trauma.

This terminology isn’t unusual. Therapy-related words and phrases have trickled into workplaces, surfaced at schools and galvanized people online. But the proliferation of these terms among daters represents a distinct shift. “In the ’50s, or even the ’80s, it would be hard to imagine that saying ‘I see my therapist regularly’ would have status,” said Eli Finkel, a psychology professor at Northwestern University and the author of “The All-or-Nothing Marriage.” But now, he said, taking care of one’s mental health carries social currency in some spheres.

It’s a sad state of affairs, though apparently today’s liberated women can only deal with men who make a public display of their vulnerability:

And therapeutic lingo may be just another tool daters use to try to distinguish themselves to prospective matches.

“This is part of the competitive advantage,” said Paul Eastwick, a psychology professor at the University of California, Davis, who researches romantic relationships. “Instead of being like, ‘I’m 5-11, and I can bench press some large amount,’ it’s like, ‘I have grappled with the challenges of my childhood, and I’ve thought deeply about my issues,’” he said.

People who have thought deeply about their issues are not the best relationship or marriage prospects. They are self-involved and narcissistic. If they are male, they might just be saying what women want to hear, to make it easier to get laid.

In recent years, though, the signaling has switched. A growing number of people now broadcast intimate, specific details, including proclamations about their mental health, Dr. Carbino said. It’s a technique used both to signal your values and to weed people out, she said — if therapy is essential to you, for example, you might not want to date someone who’s never been.

Witness the research performed by Dr. Helen Fisher:

In 2022, Dr. Fisher was stunned by one finding. She asked participants to rank what they were looking for in a prospective partner, expecting the usual answers: sexual attractiveness, trustworthiness, humor and similar interests. This time, however, another characteristic made the top five list. Respondents wanted matches with emotional maturity, the ability to process and grapple with one’s feelings.

So, all of this therapy talk tells women that men have dealt with their emotions and are in touch with their feelings. This might make them suitable eunuchs at the court of the mother goddess, but it will certainly be a disadvantage in the business world. And why would a woman want to marry a man who did not know how to compete in the arena.