Should You Always Forgive?

Hold on to your hats. We are about to enter the realm of a major philosophical and theological muddle. I do not say so because the theology is more or less muddled than anything else, but if we read Christina Caron in The New York Times on forgiveness or even the sage commentaries on her article by Freddie deBoer, we quickly start thinking that their topic, forgiveness, has been theorized extensively in theology, through theories of atonement and contrition.

Many of the questions that psychologists are pondering today form the subject of theological speculation, to say nothing of religious practice. Neither Caron nor deBoer seem even remotely aware of this fact. 

If therapy culture is designed as a replacement religion, it makes sense that it would set down rules for forgiving sins. Even if the authors in question here do not seem to know it.

Theologians do not believe that forgiveness is a moral absolute. Not everyone can be forgiven for everything. People who are sufficiently contrite deserve forgiveness; people who are not contrite and who have not atoned for their sins do not merit forgiveness.

Of course, there are sins and there ar sins. When you forgive someone his sins against you, you are saying that you believe the sin was inadvertent and unintentional. Thus, you are affirming that he will not do it again.

If you believe that the sin was intentional, and if the sinner does not express any regret or shame, you are within your rights not to forgive and forget. The reason is, the intended sin was a meaningful gesture, a gesture that defined a relationship. Only a fool would forgive someone who had purposefully offended him and who declared that he would happily do it again.

Surely, forgiveness is better than revenge. It is certainly worse than nursing grievances and anger.

Note well the current presidential candidate who seems willing to continue to nurse grievances against the governor of Georgia. Is it helpful for his campaign to keep harping on his grievance. With the exception of the candidate, everyone seems to understand that making a public spectacle of your grievance manifests the sin of pride. 

Surely, you have every right to be aggrieved and to act accordingly. And yet, making the grievance public and attempting to punish the offender accomplishes very little. You do not need to forgive, but you should forget.

As for your parents, or people who have traumatized you in childhood, should you forgive or not. It is not an easy question, because it depends on the nature of the offense and on the larger context. 

Systematic abuse is not the same as a single instance of abuse. A parent who has tried to make up for abusive behavior should be treated differently from a parent who has never admitted to fault.

People atone for their sins. And yet, atonement means that they will not do it again. Without atonement no one is obliged to forgive.

Forgiveness involves human beings as social beings. It tells them to repair broken ties  rather than to nurse grievances. Obviously, this does not apply in all cases at all times, but the fact remains, as deBoer asserts, human beings do best when they function effectively in groups.

Of course, there are groups and there are groups. Being a functioning member of a criminal conspiracy does not affirm you in the same way as being a functioning member of a military platoon. 

Now, Caron quotes one Sharon Lamb, a professor at UMass Boston, to the effect that you have better things to do with your life than to join groups. Lamb wants you to feel your feelings and to explore your feelings.

deBoer takes serious exception. You have duties and obligations to other people. They have duties and obligations to you. Your and their ability to fulfill them affirms you in society. 

One remarks that contrition involves self-sacrifice. Atoning for sins requires you to give up something, by fasting, for example.

One must add that religious rituals containing forgiveness involve you in a community activity. They affirm your membership in a religious community. 

Does therapy culture do the same?

According to deBoer therapy culture consistently pretends that group membership compromises your precious individuality. If such is the case, then therapy culture cannot replicate the ritual forgiveness that religion has been practicing for millennia,

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