Monday, April 28, 2008

How Does It Feel? 3

If he can't live without her, then he probably won't be living with her either.

The more he protests, the more he calls, the more he misses her, the more he obsesses about her... the more she will understand that he is desperate, not desiring.

She will know that desperation never involves another person, except perhaps as prop or foil.

When a man clings to a woman-- or vice versa-- because without her he will not have a social existence, she will normally reject him.

When a man has no friends beyond his significant other, this is a warning signal. No one person can be the totality of another person's social life. If she is his only human contact, her friends will threaten-- not his love-- but his social being.

Any time that he feels that he risks losing her, he will do what it takes to hold on. He will drag her on to an emotional roller coaster. Alternately, he will be petulant and loving, jealous and ecstatic, angry and vindictive. No one will ever be able to accuse of him of not expressing his true feelings.

Psychodrama is the last refuge of those who are desperately to hold on. The unfortunate part is that too many therapists feed this error. Don't most therapists believe that human life is just another drama?

The troubling part is that therapists encourage people to engage in these psychodramas.
They feel that expressions of raw emotion are therapeutic. If two people are not desperate to begin with, the enhanced histrionics will make eventually make them so.

Love survives only if it is socialized and domesticated. The time and energy people put into psychodrama takes them away from the real work of creating an organized life together.

If,in your relationship, you have to choose between drama and routines, choose routines.

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