Coaching Lessons: The Rule of Three

How do you deal with rudeness? What is the right response to impoliteness, insults, and impudence? What do you do when someone treats you with disrespect, whether intentional or accidental?

The question often comes up in discussions of rudeness, but we rarely have anything like a rule, a guideline, that tells us when to ignore it and when to respond.

Dare I say, there's rudeness and there's rudeness. No rule applies to every different kind of rudeness. But Peter Bregman's rule, which he calls the rule of three, feels as good as any that I have seen. Link here.

Bregman applies this rule, or better, he shows how it can be applied to workplace situations, especially those where an employee or a colleague commits minor infractions against corporate decorum.

It matters that we sensitize ourselves to these minor breaches, because it is much better to clarify a relationship when the problems are less emotionally charged and less costly.

If you want to judge someone's character, it is best to look for the small things. In that way you will not be too shocked when you discover that the person's character is wanting in relation to more vital issues.

Bregman offers the case of Anne, who was, on one occasion, ten minutes late to a client meeting. Bregman noticed her tardiness and said nothing. Anyone can be late for reasons beyond her control.

Second, Anne handed in a report two hours later than she had promised. Bregman started thinking that he was seeing a pattern of bad behavior emerge. Still, she might have been interrupted. His judgment was taking form, but it was not clear enough to merit an intervention.

Third, Anne bowed out of a conference call with a colleague, in an email, without offering an explanation. At that point Bregman decided that he had to address the pattern.

I will emphasize, as does Bregman, that none of these faults were costly for the company. Were it not for their indication of a certain carelessness toward professional duties, he could easily have overlooked them.

But, as I said, it is better to help Anne to correct her behavior and improve her character before she commits a fault that costs the company an account.

If Bregman had intervened after the first lapse, he would have looked overly sensitive, as though he were taking a random occurrence personally. It might have appeared that he was overcome with personal pique, and this would have drawn attention away from Anne's behavior.

If he had intervened after the second lapse, he might have looked overly critical, as though he were jumping on her for situations that were out of her control. Anne might have been late to the meeting because of an unavoidable traffic tie-up, and she might have had to hand in the report late because some she was unexpectedly forced to run out to pick up a child from school. Twice forms a pattern, but it the presumption of good character is sufficient to override two errors.

After the third lapse, Bregman says that he had to confront her. For my part I would not avoid the notion of confrontation. Many people will read the word confrontation and think that they should, under such circumstances, adopt a confrontational tone.

Bregman wants simply to bring the issue to Anne's attention. He does not want to attack her; he does not want to accuse her of anything; he wants to give her the opportunity to recognize that she has been developing a reputation for being unreliable and untrustworthy, and that, if it continues, the behavior will compromise her prospects for career advancement.

So, the rule is: when someone offends you the first time, notice it, and let it go. When he offends you the second time, register it as evidence of a developing pattern, and do not say anything. When he offends you the third time, you are within your rights to bring it to his attention. After the third time there can be little question of your overreacting, of being overly sensitive, or of looking for a fight.

Of course, the larger issue is whether or not there is something magical about the number three? I mean that semi-seriously.

For example, I have long advocated written thank-you notes. Everyone who has anything to say about etiquette and decorum says the same. I have made something like an original contribution in saying that a sincere and thoughtful thank-you note should contain three, and exactly three, sentences.