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Every once in a while men are told that they should act more
like gentlemen. Point well taken. And yet, it is very difficult to act like a
gentleman if women refuse to act like ladies.
Being a lady has clearly gone out of fashion. Today’s woman
would be roundly mocked if she ever said she wished to be a lady. She is more
likely to want to be a good feminist and to emulate the example of Lena Dunham.
Or to be a boorish and vulgar celebrity. It is almost too obvious to say, but the
Kardashian girls do not even pretend to be ladies. Nor does famed train wreck
Amy Schumer.
How you treat a man or a woman depends on how said man or
woman defines him or herself. If a man acts and dresses like a gentleman he
will be treated one way. If he acts and dresses like an aspiring rapper or an overgrown
teenager he will be treated differently. If a woman acts like a lady she will
be treated one way. If she acts like a vamp, like a celebrity or like an ersatz
man she will be treated differently.
In our current age these issues are confused. We no longer
respect traditional codes of behavior. We like to think that we have overcome
them. We have gotten to the point where people seem constantly to be defining new
rules of conduct and punishing people for not respecting rules they have not even
heard of.
We have dispensed with the traditional rituals of courtship and
wondered why young men and young women are having so much trouble forming
durable relationships.
Apparently, our neighbors from across the pond, the British
have not totally given up on the idea of being a lady. Be thankful for small
things.
Libby Purves has written the 39 rules for being a lady. They
have been published in the Daily Mail. Purves is responding to a magazine
called Country Life that recently published rules for being a gentleman. One
notes that these rules have changed somewhat from what would have pertained a
century ago. Two cheers for progress. And yet, they do maintain a link to the
past, to the tried and true standards for public decorum and for public
self-presentation.
As the old rule goes, if you want people to respect you
start by acting like you respect yourself.
Without further ado, here is the list.
A lady:
1. Can carry her own luggage, but accepts offers with a smile.
2. Says ‘thank you’ when a seat is offered or a door opened.
3. Doesn’t take offence easily.
4. Fends off unwanted passes with ease.
5. Accepts a compliment, even from an inappropriate, old fool.
6. Makes her point firmly, but unaggressively.
7. Knows that a single, explosive swear word beats a torrent of obscenity.
8. Walks like a functional human, without tittupping, hip-swinging or hair-flicking.
9. Can perfectly well change a wheel, but will express gratitude if a man offers.
10. Tactfully covers up others’ social gaffes.
11. Accepts that not everyone wants her cat jumping on them.
12. Laughs at the ridiculous hero of Fifty Shades Of Grey.
13. Drapes an elegant shawl when breast-feeding in public.
14. Like Grace Kelly, thinks clothes should be ‘tight enough to show you’re a woman but loose enough to show you’re a lady’.
15. Dresses to fit in unobtrusively with other people’s events. Especially funerals.
16. Can hold her drink without falling over.
17. Shares a cafe table or train seat with a smile.
18. Doesn’t boast about exotic holidays on social media.
19. Tries not to talk about house prices.
20. Doesn’t attempt to apply full make-up on a packed train.
21. Knows calorie and GI counts, but never speaks of them.
22. Doesn’t shout down her phone in the street or on the train.
23. Knows when to stop talking.
24. Accepts some chaps are embarrassed by remarks about vaginas, etc.
25. Can pay the tab in a restaurant without making it obvious.
26. Gives a 1,000-watt smile to nervous teenage boys, making them feel like kings.
27. Has enough natural authority to make teenagers take their feet off train seats.
28. Does not comment on other women’s weight.
29. On an awful internet date, kindly sticks it out until 10pm . . .
30. . . . but knows how to make it clear, gracefully, that it’s not a goer.
31. Teaches her children manners.
32. Always tells adult godchildren that they are ‘doing absolutely wonderfully’, even when said godchildren are clearly total trainwrecks.
33. Calls policemen ‘Officer’. Even PCSOs.
34. Removes her screaming toddler from a busy cafe with an apologetic smile.
35. Won’t kiss and tell, or compare men’s prowess.
36. Has a flair for wearing hats, but keeps her belly button to herself in public.
37. Deals gracefully with spiders, mice, etc, without screaming.
38. Takes off her stilettos on other people’s parquet floors.
39. Is kind to nervous, inadequate chaps who read lists about how to be a gentleman.
21. Knows calorie and GI counts, but never speaks of them.
22. Doesn’t shout down her phone in the street or on the train.
23. Knows when to stop talking.
24. Accepts some chaps are embarrassed by remarks about vaginas, etc.
25. Can pay the tab in a restaurant without making it obvious.
26. Gives a 1,000-watt smile to nervous teenage boys, making them feel like kings.
27. Has enough natural authority to make teenagers take their feet off train seats.
28. Does not comment on other women’s weight.
29. On an awful internet date, kindly sticks it out until 10pm . . .
30. . . . but knows how to make it clear, gracefully, that it’s not a goer.
31. Teaches her children manners.
32. Always tells adult godchildren that they are ‘doing absolutely wonderfully’, even when said godchildren are clearly total trainwrecks.
33. Calls policemen ‘Officer’. Even PCSOs.
34. Removes her screaming toddler from a busy cafe with an apologetic smile.
35. Won’t kiss and tell, or compare men’s prowess.
36. Has a flair for wearing hats, but keeps her belly button to herself in public.
37. Deals gracefully with spiders, mice, etc, without screaming.
38. Takes off her stilettos on other people’s parquet floors.
39. Is kind to nervous, inadequate chaps who read lists about how to be a gentleman.
8 comments:
Such a random list, it doesn't look very instructive. We can be sure there are another 1000 equally detailed rules not listed that probably will probably make her be judged as unlady-like.
And perhaps that's the whole predicament. You can follow a million little random rules and still find yourself judged unattractive by someone you're trying to impress by your lady-like skills.
If random lists are the key to being a lady the first step is to make up your own list, and don't bother with what others say should be important to you. And when you fail your own list, you can take stock in the standards, or yourself, or both.
The United Kingdom is an interesting place, with their Sir and Dame titles. And that's more where I can see the value of external standards. If you take on a role defined by society, then you should learn about that role, and internalize its rules and carry it well.
Words are interesting, like in the running community, it is somehow easier for many people to call women as ladies, meaning nothing more nor less than a sort of false elevation, like saying "guys" for men. So a lady actually seems a lower status word than woman. A woman might be powerful or intimidating, but a lady is just that inoffensive neighbor who keeps too many cats.
So maybe we've abused the word "lady" to mean absolutely nothing, and so it can't serve us any more.
Lovely list, even if #37 can be difficult.
More difficult than #39?
8. Walks like a functional human, without tittupping, hip-swinging or hair-flicking.
9. Can perfectly well change a wheel, but will express gratitude if a man offers.
I don't know why, but for me #8 stopped with the hyphen, and #9 at the e, losing the rs. Yet when I copied them, all was copied.
Sam L, Yep, Stuart's formatting of the copied list fails to wrap text soon enough on my browser as well, but the text is there, as you found. (Same effect in IE, Firefox, and Chrome.)
Fortunately Stuart kindly provides links to the original.
Stuart -- #39 is much easier than #37. A lady finds it effortless to be kind to a chap who's nervous and inadequate ... But, to be kind to a pompous know-it-all, now that takes concerted effort.
I was curious about the gentleman's list, I found a link:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3292792/When-text-emoji-riding-horse-undoing-bra-one-hand-Country-Life-reveals-39-key-skills-modern-gentleman-have.html
It is slightly less random, and there there are a few universal ones there:
13. Breaks a relationship face to face
14. Is unafraid to speak the truth
16. Arrives at a meeting five minutes before the agreed time
39. Knows that there is always an exception to a rule
But nothing against being pompous know-it-alls expecting kindness in return, unless #5 "Knows when not to say anything" or #6 "Wears his learning lightly".
And a few good quotes by two Irish playwrights:
The sensitive Oscar Wilde said a gentleman was one 'who never hurts anyone's feelings unintentionally', while the ambitious George Bernard Shaw said a gentleman always 'puts more into the world than he takes out'.
The cool thing about being a gentleman is an implictly acknowledgement that it is an unnatural state, and it can be ended at moment's notice (see rule 39) when more aggression is needed. I don't know if ladies also have this luxury.
In our world, she a ho.
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