Their Girlfriend Dumped Them

Among the problems produced by defying the gender binary is this: when we read a letter to an advice columnist written by someone whose gender is indeterminate we cannot really understand what is going on. Precisely what does it mean to consider that their girlfriend broke up with them… which would be Manjoo’s preferred locution. We might, upon reading the title of this post assume that its a polyamorous relationship? As in, she broke up with them.

As for Manjoo's war against the gender binary, see previous post. (I will mention in passing, because I failed to do so in the last post, that I wonder how Manjoo can tolerate the gender binariness of the first syllable of his last name? But, that is not our problem.)

Someone in Staten Island sent the following letter to therapist Lori Gottlieb. I take no exception from Gottlieb’s rather bland advice. I bring the letter to your attention to highlight the fact that either the letter writer or an editor has scrubbed the letter clean of all references to the letter writer’s gender. If I were to hazard a guess, I suspect that editors do this dirty work… because it is too systematic. Anyway, we know that the lost love is a girlfriend, but we do not know whether the spurned lover is a female or a hemale.

So, here is the letter:

Nearly two months ago, my girlfriend broke up with me. It was quite shocking at the moment, especially considering that we had just spent a lovely weekend out of town visiting her sister and brother-in-law. She explained that something about their relationship reminded her of “what she wants,” and that being with me would compromise her pursuit of this.

I didn’t fully understand what she meant, and I was too astonished to even push back. During our final embrace, in the park, she told me that she loved me. I told her that I loved her too. The surges of heartbreak immediately rushed through my chest, and my days since have been consumed by thoughts of her. Our relationship was truly wonderful—we laughed with each other all the time, we had thoughtful discussions, and we always noted how blissful it was to be in each other’s presence. It’s been devastating to lose this person with whom I shared so many wonderful experiences.

I tried reaching out recently, requesting that we meet and talk about what happened so that I can better understand why we can’t be together. She declined, and said that she understood my position, but that she needs to be “self-protective.” I’m confused by this because I have always been extremely patient, understanding, and emotionally available for her. Why does she need to protect herself from someone who loves her and cares about her deeply? And if she is referring to protecting her own emotional recovery, how then am I to understand her decision to end our relationship despite her still being in love with me? Finally, how am I supposed to overcome hopes of reconciliation and move on when, up until the moment she broke up with me, there was no concrete deterioration in the relationship?  

Anonymous 

Staten Island, NY

Gottlieb commiserates, which is now called showing empathy. We all commiserate. We feel her pain. And Gottlieb tells Anon that he or she or it or they should drop it, should not ask for further explanations. We tend to agree with this rather bland advice.

And yet, if Anon is a female, then the situation changes considerably. Perhaps her girlfriend came away from a visit with her sister and brother-in-law deciding that she might want to be married to a hemale. And that she wound want a marriage resembling theirs. And even that she might want her child to have both a mother and a father. 

It has happened. It is possible. Why then would she not want to tell her paramour? More importantly, why would she? Such thoughts are strictly forbidden in today’s woke world. Even more pertinent is the fact that, if said girlfriend wants to make a home with a man, what was she doing having a love affair with a woman? Was she being deceitful? Was she lying to herself? We do not know. Clearly, she does not want to explain herself. Is that why she chose silence and ghosting?

But, we do know that if this hypothesis has any validity, Anonymous knows it already. We would want to ask her to explain how her relationship does not resembled her girlfriend's sister's marriage.

I hate to sound obvious, but this is the most plausible reason for the girlfriend’s refusal to engage in a further discussion. She might also feel strongly toward the woman she has just dumped and might not want to be tempted to return. Consider that the girlfriend says that her relationship with Anon would "compromise" her ability to have a different kind of relationship. This feels to me like a same-sex relationship. As one suspects, Gottlieb does not notice this... because it is the most salient detail.

So, Anonymous may know it but not want to know it. She may know it or suspect it and not accept that she allowed herself to be deceived. 

If, perchance the letter writer is a hemale, things become more bizarre yet. If a hemale, he does not think or write like a man. He does not refer to any of the realities of the relationship, as in, who works, who might not work, who would support who. This hemale seems mired in adolescent sentimentality. They laughed together, they had deeply meaningful conversations, and felt bliss being in each other’s presence. If I had to hazard a guess, this does not resemble the way hemales think or function.

If the letter writer is a hemale, then we must conclude that he is not much of a man. And that Anonymous saw that he could not interact with her brother-in-law man-to-man.

I raise this possibility because we do well to consider all possibilities. But, I suspect that the letter writer is a female whose girlfriend has chosen to go over to the dark side.