Don't Lean In

Sometimes the people who write to advice columnists make more sense than the columnists themselves. Today’s column comes from Carolyn Hax, of the Washington Post.

The letter writer has been dating a man for three months. She does not know whether they are on the marriage track or whether he is using her for sex. But, she believes that she should not ask too forcefully, that is, that she should not lean in.

Here is the letter:

I have been dating a man for three months. Neither of us has brought up whether we are in a relationship, although I trust we are exclusively dating. I want to be in a relationship and fear I am in the friends-with-benefits zone.

I tend to think it's best to wait for him to bring up that he wants to be in a relationship, not me, because then I know he really wants it and won't think I am trying to trap him into one.

I know part of me is afraid of getting rejected because he got out of a very long relationship seven months ago, and maybe I am not ready to walk away if he rejects a relationship. How do you think I should approach this?

— FWB-Zoned

In truth, the letter does not tell us enough. We do not know much of anything about this relationship. We do not know how often they see each other. We do not know whether they go out with friends or family. We do not know how often they communicate with each other. We do not know whether he takes her out for dinner. We do not know whether he calls her at 11:00, wanting to come over and spend the night. We do not know how old they are and we do not know what they do for a living.

An intelligent young lady would examine these aspects of the relationship before deciding what the young man’s intentions are. In that case, if she finds that he is using her for sex, she need merely take a step or two back from him, to put some distance between them… and to see whether he flakes off or offers more. She might be more mysterious, not answering the phone right away, not texting back immediately, being unavailable one evening because she has planned to have a girls’ night. And she should not pick up the phone when he calls late at night wanting to hook up.

Naturally, Carolyn Hax rejects these solutions. She belongs to the lean in school of thought, whereby women put themselves out on a limb and wait for it to be sawed off. Since Hax’s mind is addled with feminist thought, she emphasizes the equality of it all and sets this woman up for making a fool of herself.

Why aren’t you worried he’s trying to “trap” (ugh!) you into a relationship? He has value, but you don’t?

And why isn’t it possible he is waiting for you to bring up that you want to be in a relationship because he wants to know you really want it?

Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh.

Live! Your! Life!

Ask for what you want.

For those who are slightly less ideological, we would note that a young man, upon being asked the question, might very well not tell the truth. Fancy that. Imagine that he wants to continue having her as his main squeeze but does not want to commit to her. What will he say? If he is a perfidious young man-- and feminists have assured us that this is the nature of the male animal-- he will declare that they are in a relationship, even though he sees her as a FWB.

So, Hax, being a good feminist, sets the woman up to be used by a man. My approach, being far more considerate, recommends that she read the signs-- the ones noted above-- to discern his intentions. Has he made her an integral part of his life? Has he introduced her to his friends and family? Has he invited her for Christmas dinner?

If she reads these signs she will retain her dignity and self-respect. Isn’t that what she really wants? The thought has never crossed the feminist mind?