How to Improve Your Marriage

It’s more than likely that I am behind the curve on this one, but how many of you know what a transactional marriage is?

A woman wrote to Carolyn Hax of the Washington Post the other day, complaining that her marriage had become transactional-- by which she meant that it was not based on love. Presumably, she was going through the motions, but did not feel the right feelings deep in the heart of her soul-- or some such.

There, that solves it, don’t you think? 

Anyway, here is the entirety of the letter:

I know it sounds sort of obvious, but can you (and others) say more about how to choose love in a marriage? I’m 10 years in with my husband and during isolation central with our elementary-schooler, things started to feel transactional instead of rooted in a deep love. I have moments of wondering if this is all there is, but I wouldn’t want to hurt or break up my family. How do you choose love?

To be perfectly honest-- and perhaps some readers can help out here-- but I have no idea what it means to choose love. Does it mean to choose a different lover? Does it mean that she has found it difficult to sustain the same love she felt in the early days of her marriage?

Besides, whoever imagined that love was forever, that love does not change when it has been socialized and domesticated? One might imagine that illicit love is more thrilling than licit love, because it is more dangerous. Then again, high risk often leads to calamity, and why would she risk her marriage and her children for a cheap thrill?

Anyway, the part of this exchange that I find compelling involves Hax’s response. Considering that I have occasionally taken issue with her and with certain other advice columnists, I am happy to report that she avoided the natural tendency to tell this woman to get some therapy or to feel her feelings or to take a spa day-- and offered sound exceptionally sound advice, the kind that anyone can apply to any marriage, generally benefit it.

So, here is Hax, at her best:

Do something small, thoughtful and special for your husband. Bring coffee to him in bed, for example. Pick up a favorite food at the grocery store. 

Remember an occasion or date that matters to him. These gestures don’t have to include romance you don’t feel (yet — that’s one of the goals, to cultivate it again), but the best ones will reflect your knowledge of him and what he would appreciate.

Repeat, often enough to make a habit of it.

Another: Say thank you when he does something for you or the family, even if it's “expected.” “Thanks for dealing with those dishes.” Because all the “transactional” things you do for your shared household are acts of love, in their way.

And be open to suggestion, especially in the moment: “In this situation, how would you rather have me respond?”

Of course, and maybe most important of all, don't keep score and be quick to forgive.

Small gestures of kindness and consideration, performed habitually, mixed with expressions of gratitude and forgiveness. Great advice, well stated.

There, that will hopefully get the letter writer out of her unhealthy fixation on deep love-- whatever that is. Dare I say that the several readers who chose to respond to the question missed the point entirely.