Complaining

Apparently, businesspeople spend a lot of their time complaining. They waste time finding fault, but do not seem to understand the need to correct problems. So, they complain, thereby suggesting that they are powerless to do anything about the problem, but that they are happy to blame someone else. 

Executive coach Marshall Goldsmith researched the problem and discovered that businesspeople wasted around twenty hours a month complaining. That is, twenty hours not dealing with problems. Twenty hours not building alliances with colleagues. Twenty hours not working to improve the business. 

The best part is that complaining feels therapeutic. Haven’t we all been told to express our feelings, lest they fester and give us cancer and heart disease.

Peter Bregman defined complaining, in a decidedly negative fashion:

Here’s what happens: Someone annoys us. We’re dissatisfied with how they’re behaving. Maybe we’re angry, frustrated, or threatened. Those feelings build up as energy in our bodies, literally creating physical discomfort (that’s why we call them feelings — because we actually, physically, feel them).

When we complain about someone else, the uncomfortable feelings begin to dissipate because complaining releases the pent up energy. That’s why we say things like “I’m venting” or “I’m blowing off steam” (But, as we’ll see in a moment, that dissipation doesn’t just release the energy, it spreads it, which actually makes it grow).

Additionally, when we complain to people who seem to agree with us — and we almost always complain to people who seem to agree with us — we solicit comfort, camaraderie, connection, support, and justification, which counteracts the bad feelings with some fresh, new good ones.

Complaining changes the balance of negative/positive energy and, for a brief moment at least, we feel better. It’s actually a pretty reliable process. Addictive even.

Which is the problem (beyond even the wasted time): Like just about all addictions, we’re feeding the spin of a destructive, never-ending cycle. The release of pressure — the good feeling — is ephemeral. In fact, the more we complain, the more likely the frustration, over time, will increase.

Now, Bregman considers complaining to be addictive behavior. It does not solve problems. It does not address problems. It gives us a momentary stimulus, and accomplishes nothing. Heck, it is not even therapeutic.

Now, Rachel Feintzeig writes in the Wall Street Journal that certain executive coaches are trying to rescue complaining from psychological ignominy. They suggest that there are right and wrong ways to complain.

It’s a distinction without a difference. If you report a problem to your manager and suggest ways to solve it, you are not complaining. You are not whining. You are contributing to the good functioning of the company.

Feintzeig explains the new take on complaining, via executive coach Dina Denham Smith:

Ms. Smith advises clients to approach their bosses armed with potential solutions. Stick to the facts, and the impact the problem is having on the business. If your team is too small, what projects are suffering? What opportunities are you having to forgo because of this roadblock?

Lay out what you have tried so far to show you have taken initiative. Don’t be accusatory or gossipy. Pitch your proposed fix, but leave the door open for their input.

“Do you see other paths?” Ms. Smith recommends asking. If you rally your manager’s help in figuring out a solution, she will be more bought in and fight harder to get the change done with her higher-ups.

If that is your approach, you are not, strictly speaking, complaining. You are contributing. It is not the same thing.

But then, Feintzeig quotes a professor who suggests that we worry about the way we choose our language. The words matter. Given that most people believe, thanks to therapy, that they ought to give full-throated expression to their feelings, the truth must be that the wording counts for far more than the feelings.

If your goal is to vent, then feelings are most important. If you want to contribute, if you want to solve a problem, if you want to present yourself as a member of a team and not as a critic sitting in the bleachers, how you word things matters.

The words you use matter, says Jim Detert, a professor at the University of Virginia’s Darden School of Business and author of a book about speaking up at work. He advises avoiding overly definitive statements such as, “It’s obvious we should fix this,” or “It’s so clear we have a problem,” so you don’t alienate anybody who might think it’s ambiguous.

Other triggering phrases involve frequency, for instance, “You never do this,” or “You always do that.” The person you’re complaining to will immediately focus on trying to disprove your point, Dr. Detert says.

Sometimes the differences are subtle. But, you are certainly old enough to learn how to formulate sentences that will get the job done, and to avoid sentences that will draw attention to your gripes or sound like they are accusing your manager:

Start statements with “we,” not “I,” showing you’re on the same team. To link ideas, use “and” not “but.” For example, instead of saying “I know this is your baby, but we need to move on,” try, “We’ve had a great start, and I have some ideas to take it to the next level.” The listener will feel less threatened, Dr. Detert says.

It’s not about complaining. It’s about finding solutions. And yet, one cannot help but notice that therapy, in most instances, disparages attempts to do something to solve problems. It encourages patients to vent their spleen, to express their feelings, and not to care about how they express themselves. 

Since your relationship with your manager is a cooperative enterprise, one where you do best not to whine about how difficult the problem is and not to appear to condemn your manager for failing to solve the problem, you need to consider how you word your analysis of the situation.

And you need to do what your therapist tells you not to do, to address the problem and to explain what one might do to solve it.