Does Couples Therapy Work?

And then there was couples therapy. By all indications it is notably ineffective. According to the Guardian, about 17% of the couples who undergo it report positive results. This number is close enough to zero to allow us to conclude that couples therapy is not helpful. 

Needless to say, when the Guardian reports that the Gottman Institute, founded by one Dr. Julie Gottman, has a 75% success rate we are within our rights to shed some doubt on the number. After all, she is running a business. What did you expect her to say?

The Guardian article emphasizes a simple fact: most couples therapists do not tell their clients what to do? And they do not tell couples to break up. Fair enough. They suggest that if the therapist takes sides against the relationship, the couple might well unite in rejecting all of his advice. 

And yet, you can probably think of a situation where you would want to tell a couple that they are so toxic to each other that perhaps they would do better to take some time off from their mutual abuse.

The problem here is simple enough. You might not want to tell a couple to break up-- even when their relationship has broken down-- but there are many other actions that each party can undertake to improve the relationship.

Extremes do not make the rule, and many a therapist would do well to encourage two people to engage in more productive behaviors toward each other.

One notes, with some chagrin, that the issue is muddied and muddled by the simple fact that none of these couples is shown to have a defined relationship. We do not know whether they are married or engaged or having an affair. We do not know their defined roles within that relationship. 

Given the predilections of the therapy world we are not surprised to discover that therapists recommend warm baths of empathy and some serious understanding. They want couples to learn why there is too much friction between them. As though that is going to eliminate the friction. 

Therapists propose better conflict management skills, which is a nice thought, but also an oversimplification.

One remarks that the couples therapists, presumably treating married couples, do not seem to care about marital roles, like husband and wife. In a world where “wife” has become a four-letter word, no one should be surprised to see that marriage is going out of style. Whether it is because women no longer want to marry or because men no longer want to marry feminists, the revolution against traditional social roles has produced this casualty.

Broken homes, fatherless families, boys brought up by women… put it all together and you produce a problem that requires more than couples therapy or a warm bath of empathy.

Marriages adhere because they have defined roles, because the roles imply rules and because the couple establishes routines.

Otherwise, marriage becomes like therapy. You mistreat each other, you fail to respect your roles, you refuse to follow the rules… and then you can spend your time worrying about how badly you feel about all of it.

As it happens, the couples therapy approach is woman-centered. It is about getting in touch with feelings, becoming more emotional, and so on.

If you would like your daily dose of psychobabble, consider this:

Roughly 80% is “situational”, meaning both people are involved and the violence is mild to moderate – for example, pushing, shoving or slapping. In these cases, Gottman says, “both people really want to change” and “they both might feel deeply ashamed and guilty”. Situational domestic violence is often the result of both partners getting emotionally “flooded” – going into fight-or-flight mode – during conflict. This dynamic can be successfully resolved with proper couples therapy, Gottman says.

And also,

“The goal is to empathize and disarm some of the defensiveness or critical ways of communicating, and engage in perspective taking,” says Motlagharani. People also need to understand that their partner is their own person with their own ideologies, beliefs and opinions. “It’s OK for you to disagree as long as there is compassion,” says Motlagharani.

Empathy, compassion, understanding-- it's girltalk run amok. You should not be surprised that it does not work.