Sunday, February 1, 2015

Women Who Humiliate Their Husbands

Somehow or other the word “feminism” never enters these articles, but where do you imagine that the modern habit of demeaning, degrading and ridiculing men comes from?

We are not talking about something that occurs behind closed doors. Being contemptuous of men, making them look like fools has become the new, modern way for women to attack men.

One might say that the assaults men commit against women are far more serious. One would probably be right. And yet, life is a two-way street and the feminist habit of assaulting men with derisive remarks must produce a hostile cultural environment.

To the feminist mindset men are chronically misogynist. Women who mock said men are merely defending themselves.

The men who are subjected to this form of emotional abuse—why do we not consider it abuse when it is inflicted by a woman on a man?—sometimes lash out in anger. Sometimes, they run out and cheat. Often, they simply pack up and leave.

All things considered, no man can lash out at a woman, physically or verbally. The culture is so hypersensitive to the incidence of male-on-female violence that the least hostile remark by a man will be grounds for indictment.

Since men are no longer allowed to get angry, more and more of them leave.

If you are asking yourselves where America’s absent fathers are, and if you note that a large number of children grow up without a father in the home, you might consider the off chance that some of these emotionally abusive wives have driven their husbands off.

And yet, ironically, these wives are ridiculing their husbands for not being very good… housewives.

It’s the modern feminist’s way of keeping her husband out of the kitchen. If you were confused by feminism before…

Aside from the fact that feminism has made it open season on men, these forms of emotional abuse are ways for women to validate the wonderful work they do in the home.

They are saying that their work is so difficult that no man can do it well.

Call it self-affirmation at someone else’s expense.

Heaven forfend, but enterprising young single women have occasionally tried to exploit the situation. One shudders to think it but some young women are not above poaching other women’s husbands. If they are as clever as I think they are, they do not do it by practicing the lessons they read in Cosmo and they do not do it by exposing a little more cleavage or hiking up their skirts a couple of extra inches.

The key to a man’s heart is not through his stomach, but through his pride.

Are you a woman who wants to poach another woman’s husband? Try telling him this: If you were my husband I would never let you do the laundry.

Game. Set. Match.

Why has this topic reared its head?

It seems that Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler sent a text to his wife, one Kristin Cavallari in which he bemoaned his difficulties taking care of their children in her absence.

Apparently, this wealthy young celebrity couple never heard of Nannies.

Cavallari  shared Cutler’s text with the world via Instagram. Ashley McGuire of the New York Post then reported it.

How much do you want to bet that Cutler risks being seriously mocked in the locker room once the new season arrives? How will this little problem affect his ability to lead his team’s offense? How many women will be happy to console the dejected QB?

The problem will not be that Cutler was overwhelmed by young children, but that he allowed his wife to make him look like a fool in public.

McGuire points out that it has become acceptable for women to make a mockery of their husbands:

It’s somehow become culturally acceptable for wives to mock their husbands, and this is bad.

Men don’t like to be mocked. Neither do women, but I rarely see a husband mock his wife, especially when it comes to being a mother. It’s a sort of sacrosanct territory that a man knows better than to stomp on.

And yet I see women mock their husbands all the time. And I don’t mean tease. I mean derisively mock and shame, to their face and behind their back.

Some women will say here—I know it because I hear it all the time—that they limit their derision to lunch with their girlfriends. Not only is this improbable but women are far less successful at hiding their contempt than they think. If a woman feels it and thinks it, her husband knows. It’s like the man who is cheating on his wife but who insists that she does not know. Don't bet your marriage on her ignorance.

McGuire remarks that one consequence of this new cultural attitude is that more and more children are being brought up without fathers. This despite the fact that some men put up with the abuse and stay in their marriages, regardless.

McGuire explains:

I’m not the first and I certainly won’t be the last person to say that there is a “fatherhood crisis” in America. A third of American children are now growing up without their dad in the home.

And while there are promising signs that those fathers that do stay with their children are becoming more involved in their lives or at least want to be, this is still an area that needs improvement in American society.

But I can tell you one way that women can ensure that men won’t help more with their kids: Mocking them when they falter. Posting their “please help” moment of desperation for all to see.

To sustain her argument McGuire linked to an article from the Daily Mail. The article, by Frances Childs, dates to 2011. It shows that the problem McGuire identified had previously been identified.

As Childs described it:

Sophie pours another glass of wine. Shaking her head, she sighs heavily. ‘He’s such an idiot. I can’t leave him alone for five seconds. God knows what sort of mess I’ll get home to tonight.’

We all nod sympathetically. ‘Mine practically blew the microwave up last time I ventured out for the evening. He’s so useless,’ says Lisa, pulling a face.

She isn’t talking about her monosyllabic teenage son — she’d never be so rude about him. In fact, although the lad has been twice suspended from school and rarely logs off his incessant computer gaming, Lisa never ceases to boast about his incredible talents and intellect. It’s her husband of 17 years she’s roundly and publicly criticising.

Childs continued:

Our husbands’ sins range from never emptying the dishwasher to being emotional retards who are criminally incompetent at childcare and let our homes go to rack and ruin through lack of interest in DIY. 

And I know we are far from alone. Get any group of women together and you can be sure they’ll talk about their husbands — and it will rarely be complimentary.

It’s become so commonplace to run down our spouses that Sally Bercow, publicity-mad wife of the Speaker of the Commons, felt totally at ease painting her husband John as a henpecked domestic drudge on national television. 

Gleefully informing her housemates on the trash TV programme Big Brother that she makes John mop the kitchen floor and empty the dishwasher while she has a cup of tea, she appeared to think that belittling her spouse somehow made her look interesting.

I can’t in a million years imagine men talking about us with such vindictive nastiness. But belittling your husband has become not just acceptable but even de rigueur. And what’s worse, if you don’t participate in husband-bashing, you’re often cold-shouldered; it’s as if you’re a disappointment to the sisterhood, a sad little wifey.

The worst part, Childs avers, is that women have gotten into the habit of demeaning their husbands in front of their children:

More than once, I’ve seen mothers and children in cahoots, exchanging raised eyebrows over yet another ‘job’ that Daddy hasn’t done. In sharing tales about men’s incompetence, women are coming dangerously close to normalising a corrosive and lasting disrespect for fathers that can only have devastating consequences.

Research carried out by the University of Kent last year demonstrated that by the age of eight boys believed girls were better behaved and more successful than they were. Surely these negative opinions of their gender are down to boys growing up in a culture that routinely derides and ridicules masculinity.

As we know, slut-shaming is a terrible, terrible problem. Shaming one's husband, no problem at all.

Another victory for feminism!


Ares Olympus said...

Its not clear to me this is a modern problem or that feminism is a cause or a primary cause, however it is obviously a good scapegoat.

And it makes sense that anything that makes women believe they are part of an oppressed or persecuted gender may enable them to act badly under the illusion that they've been treated badly, so blame is a vicious circle where ever it began.

Like atheists sometimes are people who grew up in oppressive religious atmosphere, so when they finally escape they assume its rot all the way down, and categorically dismiss it. And atheists like Dawkins are SURE that if we can just rid the world of religion that we'd all become rational, well adjusted, mature adults acting in harmony for the greater good.

Is that rationalization any worse than blaming Feminism for the immaturity of women?

But I am interested in patterns, however potentially imaginary, to see if they are useful. I rather like Jung's idea of a contragender archetype in men and women, which he calls anima and animus. So right from the start, you instantly see a problem animus is a noun which means "a strong feeling of dislike or hatred"

So that's probably not entirely coincidental. If women have an "immature masculine" expression, then you can imagine its going to come out as irrational aggression, and contemptuous judgement. And at some level this is "instinctual", not something simply created by an ideology, even if an ideology can be used to rationalize it.

So I like the imagery of a man and a woman interacting as four people, with two primary personas and two contragender ones which will need a lifetime of development.

Jung said that "the encounter with the shadow is the 'apprentice-piece' in the individual's development...that with the anima is the 'masterpiece'".

So I find this a more constructive level of consideration than simple blame.

So if you imagine men as "immature women" and women as "immature men", it means trouble, but also a chance to learn and pull back the projections.

And you can imagine men's "immature feminine" is like a child, always watching the external feminine, so a man who is around immature women will be happy to contine the projection, and not see his own participation, and the same in reverse for women are like children watching male behavior and as long as it stays immature, they have nothing to learn.

I admit I don't know how this solves the blame game, except it tells you when to stop playing, although not "how". And the easiest "how" is to walk away, get divorced, and convince yourself the problems were entirely in the "immature other" and that the solution is to find a better other who won't "deserve" contempt and blame for doing everything wrong.

Anyway, I just don't belive demonizing the immature excesses of feminism will solve this predicament.

Dennis said...

Justifications aside, modern feminism is the cause of much of the breakdown of society, civility, impoliteness, the acceptance of a death cult, et al. And women wonder why they are so unhappy. Shaming does work and it has helped to diminish feminism. Feminism demonizes itself. Never get in the way of a group destroying itself.
One cannot change things until they identify the causes which are not men or women. One also has to recognize that one cannot stereotype all men or women as a political group having the same wants and/or desires. The problem with education is that it creates a dysfunction in making decision because one want to see both side. Ultimately one has to get off the fence.
Not to make to fine a point, but if I am damned if I do and I am damned if I don't I don't. The results are the same. It has worked rather well for me. Learning the fine art of selective hearing has made my life very easy. One can bet that most women know when one is ignoring them. It is amazing how silence says a thousand words.
I would suggest that one of the reason that most women eschew the term feminists is that they find it does not represent their interests. Far more women are now more interested in having a loving relationship with mutual respect. Feminism is dying a death of a thousand cuts brought on by their own tongues. It is why one sees a number of so called feminists trying to convince men of its importance to them. It is also why one sees people like Christine Hoff Summers attempting to change the dialogue on feminism.
One of the joys of not being a blue stater is that I very seldom see or hear this from the people I know. I wonder why there is an outflow of people from those very same blue states?
There is a reality that will change how a lot of women act. The more dangerous the world becomes the more appreciation there will be of men's basic attributes and skills. It is why a film like "American Sniper" has done so well. One should recognize that feminism, and other "isms," are self limiting. The radicals always take over and drive out those who meant to address a problem. Radicals can never claim victory so they degrade themselves by constant claims of victimhood that even they don't believe.
Feminism only has some claim to status because the are situated in places like New York City. Outside of NYC, et al they are basically nothing.

Leo G said...

As a few wise people have stated, if you want to grow, surround yourself with people whom you admire and are further along the path that you want to explore. To all the wives that have respect for their husbands, it may be time to think about ditching your "friends" and finding better friends.

Sam L. said...

Ah, the middle-school girl cliques--just grown older but no wiser. I married late, so I knew laundry and cooking and ironing, minor stitchery, scrubbing floors and vacuuming.

Ares Olympus said...

There's a term for this behavior: Relational aggression.
Relational aggression is defined as a type of aggression that is "intended to harm others through deliberate manipulation of their social standing and relationships".[13] Relational aggression, is a type of bullying. Bullying in general, is defined as physically or psychologically violent re-occurring and not provoked acts, where the bully and victim have unequal physical strength or/and psychological power. These key conditions apply to all types of bullying: verbal, physical, relational.

The main three forms of relational aggression include:
* Excluding others from social activities;
* Damaging victim's reputations with others by spreading rumors and gossiping about the victim, or humiliating him/her in front of others;
* Withdrawing attention and friendship.
* Psychological manipulation and coercion can also be considered as a type of relational aggression.

It would be interesting if women are very attuned to this form of aggression and that is serves as a "social bonding" process that enables cooperation, while when women use the same techniques against men, men are relatively oblivious to the escalating social cues and just keep doing what they're doing, leading to women doubling down on their unconscious techniques.

In contrast men more are used to direct aggression and quick resolution to conflicts and power differences, and assume conflicts are what's visible, compared to women's conflicts which are based on what's hidden, some other unmet need, for recognition or appreciation, or whatever, that can't be asked for directly, without losing the need for it to be expressed without prompting?

It would be easy to say men's way of relating is 100% superior, and women's indirection is crazy-making.

Maybe its related to the guilt vs shame distinctions? Do girls grow up with a greater awareness of shame trying to maintain complex relationships, while the boys are focused on personal skill mastery for their self-esteem?

Anyway again, I wouldn't say Feminism is a direct cause or origin of these conflicts, and all women face the same ones Feminist or not.

But who knows, maybe Feminists are the confused one, and they are actually abandoning the receptive feminine world view that seems too slow and encumbering, and find themselves trying to unconsciously copy men's styles, while leaving themselves as clueless as the men, to why they can't get what they want in relationships?

Its definitely challenging to try to understand anyone's behavior, your own or someone you care about. And there's no clear way to "fight fair" without a steep learning curve that no one teaches in school. And most of what we might have to do is unlearn all the wrong lessons we learned when we were younger?

So maybe that's what its all about, adult immaturity is regression, to demand attention to poor strategies in getting what you want?

n.n said...

There are different classes of feminism. The ones that should concern people is where individual dignity and intrinsic value are reconciled in a manner that justifies degrading men and women, and debasing human life with an exclusive right to commit premeditated murder of wholly innocent human lives. It's ironic that the latter is rationalized as an article of faith (e.g. disposition of the soul) or fairytale (e.g. spontaneous conception), which are adopted by atheists and other faiths.

Modern feminism is a political movement that exploits women and men for leverage a la political correctness. The base moved from one real and imagined extreme to another. While the leaders profit from the collateral damage of waging class warfare. And with around 2 million lives terminated to equalize women and men, the consequences of this strategy has been an unprecedented loss of human life.

That said, once shaming is said and done, there are always womb banks and sperm depositors to pick up the slack. Perhaps this represents the future of human relationships guided by the profits of wealth, pleasure, and leisure. They call this progressive morality, but it seems to be something quite primitive and base. They never qualify "progress".

Kaiser Derden (aka TDL) said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kaiser Derden (aka TDL) said...

did you see the Superbowl wifi phone ad with the dig towards males ... Sarah Silverman hands a woman her baby and says: "I'm sorry, its a boy" ...

Anonymous said...

I thought the solution was to be light years better at all things so she could not criticize. Did all the shopping, cooking, Taxes, yard work, and child care.Taught the daughter to sew, cook, shoot basketball. Worked harder and more efficiently in the same profession making 9X as much $. Took care (she did 1/10) of our seriously ill son until he died (I loved being a father), and I am still a jerk because I left a cup out on the counter.
Kids are grown and out now. Friday she says,"we are watching the superbowl and you are cooking dinner?". I answer, "no, my friends at my cabin have invited me to their party. I will be gone 2 days."
Saw a little tear in her eye. She still does not get it. Made me laugh.

Dennis said...

Kaiser D,

Also one sees ads that demonstrate a mother who really loves and relates to her son. One where the boy is thrown out of the pool for splashing water all over the place by doing a "cannonball."
Living in Florida where We have Disney World et al I see how various families handle both their male and female children on an almost daily basis. I am always impressed by women who really know how to be a mother to boys. It sometimes seems a rare gift.
One has to recognize that most women are good people. If we remember growing up with them they were just as confused about life as we were.
No one can control or antagonize one unless one allows it. I mentioned earlier that one of the things men did out of love for women was take away women's contribution to the family unit. Many times the complains we hear are directed to men demonstrating that we don't need them.
As earlier feminism attained the goals that needed to be addressed most women moved away from what became a more radical version, no matter how one wants to categorize the various groups,
Despite all the gnashing of teeth and machinations more and more women are actually choosing the life styles they want as opposed to that which the feminists demand. It is a sign of a growing recognition of people's real choices and the differences between the sexes. As a society matures and grows the wider the differences in choices.
The best thing for men is to be themselves and STOP trying to meet the expectations of women. Most women have no idea what they want, but they do know they don't want another woman despite their protestations otherwise. Would you respect someone who does not exhibit solid core of knowing who he is as a man? We invited women into our world by taking away theirs. The least we can do is be men. Respect is earned by being who we are supposed to be.

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Ignatius Acton Chesterton OCD said...

Dennis @February 2, 2015 at 5:44 AM:

Brilliant insight. I'd add to it if I had more time, but you are spot on. Less doing, more Being.

Sam L. said...

This isn't really new; it's been going on for a long time. Perhaps it's becoming more prevalent.