Don't Be Too Nice

At first, the thought is intriguing. Social psychologist Tessa West recommends that you stop being nice at work. One applauds any effort to analyze human relationships outside of the family and within the workplace. 

It’s one thing to define human relationships in terms of love and aggression. It’s quite another to define them in terms of doing business.

And yet, one suspects that the advice is designed especially for women. No man who is worth his testosterone is trying to be nicer at work. Women, on the other hand, tend to avoid conflict and contention. They avoid confrontation and would rather be nice. Even to the point of being cloying.

One suspects that the behavior is written in female genes. If you are congenitally weaker you are naturally disinclined to avoid conflict and confrontation.

Tessa West describes niceness:

We smile as hard as we can, laugh (even when nothing is funny), and bend over backwards to convince people: There's nothing to worry about here. This interaction will be a positive one. I am nice. 

Apparently, we put on the niceness mask because we are uncomfortable. We want to hide our anxiety and we do so, West suggests, by…

“,,,  layering on the compliments, but when those compliments are delivered through artificial smiles, no one is buying it.”

Of course, this assume that the compliments are a product, for sale in a market.

Overly positive feedback signals that you're not paying attention — and you probably aren't, if you're too busy trying to regulate yourself. Over time, the person on the receiving end becomes distrustful of you. 

So, rather than lying by offering unearned compliments, West recommends that managers learn to offer “honest, useful feedback.”

So, when someone makes a subpar presentation, nice people are more likely to offer unearned praise. Of course, it depends on whether you are a manager or a colleague. 

West recommends that, instead of saying that the presentation was boring, a manager recommends pointing out that it had too much jargon. Does that feel like a consolation?

Specificity rules, according to her. Though, criticizing a presentation for having too much jargon is not as good as trying to extract a salient point and emphasizing it. Once the manager has found what was good in the presentation, he is better placed to recommend revisions.

Remember, a manager must motivate his staff. Telling people that their work sucks does not motivate them. If you see your proposal rejected in favor of a better one, are you likely to do your best to implement the winning proposal?

West recommends an honesty culture. But, if you explain that you thought the presentation was off the mark, then the presenter will have little incentive to improve it. Making him feel like a fool will not motivate him, either. Calling it an interesting draft, needing revision, is better than being thoroughly honest.

In truth, the more honest you are the more likely you will demotivate that staff member.

The important point is simple. West hints at it. A manager does best when he does not embarrass staff members by calling them out “honestly” in public. Maintaining group cohesion is at least as important as figuring out who has proposed the best marketing plan.