Should She Tell Him About Her Sexual Past?

Faced with a common dilemma a woman asked the advice of relationship experts Tamsen Fadal and Matt Titus.

In her previous relationships she had always been open and honest about her sexual past. Now, she has a new lover and feels some reluctance about revealing this information. Link here.

Before examining the expert advice, take special note of the woman's reluctance. She fears that if she tells this man about her sexual past, she might ruin their relationship.

What is this feeling telling her? It might mean that her past openness and honesty had a negative effect on her relationships. After all, none of them still exist. She may simply have learned from past experience.

Or else, the reluctance might mean that she senses that her new love does not want to know about her past. Her hesitation might simply be a way of respecting his wishes.

Unfortunately, the experts did not listen to what the woman was saying. They offered a ready-made response.

In their words: "Any man who has a problem with an experienced and mature woman, who knows exactly what she wants, needs to stay in his white picket fence of a fantasy world."

Perhaps they are trying to boost her self-esteem by telling her that she need not feel ashamed of her sexual past. Now she can instruct her new lovers to treat her as her best past lovers did. Surely, that will boost their confidence.

Beyond that, these experts are feeding the woman's narcissism. They show no consideration for her man's feelings. They are saying that she is such a wondrous creature-- she knows what she wants-- that he must get with the program or be discarded as a hopeless relic.

Such flagrant narcissism is the road to celibacy.

So, the experts have no respect for the man's feelings. And they have no sense that a relationship involves negotiation, not imposing oneself on the other person.

Women who hesitate to recount their sexual history often have very good reasons for not doing so. They want to maintain a veil of mystery about their sexuality, the better to elicit desire. And they do not want their men to start visualizing them in someone else's bed.

And then, does she want to hear about his sexual past? If she offers a rundown of her lovers he would normally feel obliged to reciprocate. If she tells about her childhood pets and adolescent petting he will feel obliged to share similar information. Does she really want to hear it?

Many women have told me that they do not want to reveal their past sexual history because their men will immediately ask themselves: Why is she telling me this?

Recounting a sexual history places the man as one of a series of men. This does not make him feel special or unique... it just tells him that he is the latest.

Let us assume that the man already knows that this woman has a sexual past. Is there anything she can say about it without revealing too much?

Actually, there is. She can let slip that she has never had an experience like that before. When it comes to male sexuality, flattery is a potent aphrodisiac.