Thursday, July 8, 2010

What Matters More in a Relationship: Hot Sex or Loyalty?

How many times have young women been told that hot sex is the key to developing a long term relationship? How many times have they heard that they will need to dole out steaming hot sex in copious quantities, or else he will look elsewhere?

This is not entirely untrue, but it is slightly misleading.

If a woman comes into a relationship with world class skills at hot sex, if she is the hottest of the hotties, then, the average man is going to decide, immediately, that she is not relationship material!

Friends with benefits: Yes! Hooking up: Yes! Bring her home to Mom: No way!

However much he will thrill in her superior sexual skills, he will always, in the back of his mind, be asking himself: Where did she learn that?

If anyone suggests to young women that they can best prepare for long term relationships by developing their sexual skills, or that they are going to be rejected if they are not highly proficient at this or that kink, he is leading them astray.

The better she is, the more in demand she will be, and less she will be considered relationship material.

This does not mean that hot sex does not matter. If it is hot sex that grows with the relationship, that is optimal.

If a woman enters a relationship with seriously deficient sexual skills, if she is slightly awkward performing certain sexual acts, that will immediately count as an asset.

If, as the relationship develops, she acquires greater and greater proficiency at acts sexual, well then, that will surely redound to her credit.

If the sex is theirs, it is a good thing. If it is just hers, that is not such a good thing.

More than a few women will now be thinking that they cannot turn the clock back to their virginal youth. Should they fake naivete and modesty and even awkwardness?

If they want long term relationships, the answer is: Yes, they should.

If a woman knows that it is best not to divulge details of her sexual past, does it make any sense for her to advertise what she has learned from said sexual past?

The truth is, many people, both men and women, will tolerate less than optimal sex for quite some time in a relationship. This, in itself, suggests that sex is not quite the deal maker or deal breaker that it is knocked up to be.

Loyalty is. People will tolerate bad sex a lot longer than they will tolerate disloyalty.

Here's one discussion, offered by one SIwerner, via HookingUpSmart.

In his words: "The way they most show their lack of ... loyalty is the way many women will 'disengage' from their own man when another (of higher alphaness, typically) man approaches....

"I see it occurring all the time in social settings, a woman is obviously with one man (holding hands, his arm around her, or hers around his waist, etc.). But then the other man comes near, and not only does the woman move away from her man, she will often step between her man and the approaching man, facing that incoming man, with her back to her man.... Could it be any more obvious a signal that she's willing to consider other offers."

Even if she is not willing to consider other offers, she must consider the message she is sending to her man, the other man, and the rest of the assembled guests.

She is saying that her allegiance, her loyalty, is, dare I say, up for grabs.

Of course, there are other ways that loyalty is at play in a relationship. For the record, most of them are gender neutral.

If one partner has a problem at work, the other partner should show loyalty first, and wonder about who is right or wrong, second.

If a couple is having dinner with another couple and one partner gets into an argument, the other partner should always take sides with his or her partner.

It is not a moment where it matters whether he or she is right or wrong. What matters is solidarity, thus, loyalty.

Members of couples are always being called upon to attend functions that matter more to one than the other partner. Whether it is a business function, a dinner with clients or staff, a weekend with family... these occasions are not necessarily what the other partner wants to be doing.

And yet, you are obliged to attend, and if you don't you will be taxed with disloyalty, for letting your partner down. More than that, your job at these functions is to make your partner look good.

If you look or sound like a fool, that will reflect on your partner and will be considered a betrayal. If you look like you do not want to be there, everyone assembled will assume that your partner does not inspire very much loyalty in you or that he chose someone with bad character.

These are only some of the ways that loyalty plays itself out in a relationship. I have rarely if ever seen disloyalty trumped by hot sex.




8 comments:

Susan Walsh said...

Great post Stuart. Two thoughts:

I have heard guys express relief that their girlfriend, upon entering the relationship, had no idea how to perform expert oral sex.

Which leads to the second point:

I too advise women to hide their sexual pasts if they are very experienced. Many women get to college and indulge in hookup culture, not understanding that having a "high number" is going to disqualify them for a LTR. Many guys claim that they can ferret out the truth via "slut tells", but personally I doubt this. A sexually experienced woman who is trying to appear naive will know better than to act like she's in Eliot Spitzer's black book.

Ralph said...

Team sports encourage loyalty, and men seem more interested in team sports, so I would think a loyal woman would be important to most men.

3rd Culture said...

"I see it occurring all the time in social settings, a woman is obviously with one man (holding hands, his arm around her, or hers around his waist, etc.). But then the other man comes near, and not only does the woman move away from her man, she will often step between her man and the approaching man, facing that incoming man, with her back to her man.... Could it be any more obvious a signal that she's willing to consider other offers."
................................

No different than a man doing double-takes at other women when out with his own.

irmik said...

Great blog... and learned something I didn't know.

One thing I have learned also: The less you ask a man the more he will tell you.
When it comes to what matters more in a relationship I would have to agree Loyalty is number one but good sex is important also as long as it grows during the relationship.

do pheromones work said...

Well,I agree that young women can best prepare for long term relationships by developing their sexual skills,most of the relationships start because marriage is not possible or not desired at that point of time, but living and exploiting someone only for fun is not called for at all.

isey

Merilyn said...

There's no doubt, the dude is absolutely right.

His Secret Obsession said...
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Kal Mix said...
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