If good fences make good neighbors, good manners make good
friends.
Somehow or other our culture has led people to believe that once
you are friends with someone you can dispense with courtesy. The culture has
also told us that once you are in love you can dispense with fences and with
manners.
Meaning: you can invade the other person’s privacy and be as
rude as you wish. Doesn’t true love conquer all?
It’s bad enough when people follow these rules in their
private lives. When they apply them to business situations the results will do serious damage to career advancement.
The Robert Half International Company has offered some
excellent advice for job applicants. If you are applying for a job you need to
know that your manners count as much as your qualifications.
Lots of people are qualified. Fewer people have good
manners.
Having bad manners suggests that you do not know how to get
along with other people. No one wants to work with someone who does not know
how to get along with other people.
Obviously, the advice applies well to other relationships,
with friends and neighbors, even with spouses and lovers.
Half Int. begins by saying that when you are applying for a
job, be nice to everyone. That includes the receptionist and the janitor. If
they decide to interview you over lunch, be nice to the bus boy.
The same applies to all social interactions. If you save
your kindness and generosity only for people who are “important,” you are
developing a bad habit. You are telling yourself that you are a user: you are nice to people you can make use of
and ignore those who cannot advance your goals.
When your friends and colleagues and acquaintances figure it
out, you will pay for it.
Generosity is a habit. Habits should be cultivated. If you
are gracious with everyone, being gracious will become second nature. The more you are kind and generous to others, the more they will be inclined to
return the favor. Your generosity will gain the ineffable quality of sincerity.
Like benevolence, gratitude is also a habit. One develops it
by expressing it. If you feel grateful and fail to say thank-you, you are an
ingrate and a user.
You know that you must send a thank-you note after an
interview. But do you know that you must say thank-you to anyone who has helped
you with your job search, to anyone who has offered you advice, and, in
general, to people who do favors for you.
It doesn’t matter how small the favor or how trivial the
advice. Saying thank-you is required.
It’s another good habit to cultivate.
Of course, you know how important it is to be punctual. The
Half organization knows that you will be on time, even a little early for job interviews,
but it wants you to understand that you must respond to all job-related
communications promptly.
This does not mean within thirty seconds. Responding too
quickly suggests that you are overly anxious and have not thought out your response. Responding too
slowly means that you are playing status games. Responding the same day or
early the next day feels about right.
The same rule obviously applies to communications with those
near and dear to you. Answer messages promptly. If you don’t have the answer to
a question, answer and say that you will look into the matter.
And then there is the matter of interruptions. It is bad
form in a job interview to be interrupted by a ringing cell phone. The Half
Company recommends that you not allow yourself to be tempted. Thus, leave your
phone in the car.
The same applies to conversations with friends and
neighbors. Obviously you cannot live without your cell phone. Who knows what
urgent matter might require your urgent attention.
Still, if your personal conversations are peppered with
interruptions from ringing cellphones you will be less present to the
conversations and will be treating your interlocutors rudely. It’s not a way to
sustain a friendship.
And then there are the social cues. Poker players call them “tells,”
but they are equally important away from the table. When engaged in a
conversation it is good to be alert to signs of flagging interest. When you see
that you are beginning to bore your interlocutor, you should shift to a more
compelling topic or to offer the person an easy out.
The Half Company says:
Learning
to read body language gives you a big advantage on the job hunt. At networking
events and interviews, be alert to signs you're losing the other person's
interest. She might break eye contact, cross her arms, check the time or start
gazing around the room.
At
events, graciously offer the other person an easy out with a handshake and
"It was so nice to meet you." When you're interviewing, kick things
into high gear. Raise your energy level and focus on telling stories about your
past jobs that really show off your skills.
If you allow someone a face-saving exit you will rise in his
estimation. Allowing him to exit a conversation gracefully, without having to
excuse himself will show you to be considerate and tactful.
A similar rule applies when someone does not respond to a
request. Examine this example:
Social
cues also come into play when you ask a colleague for an introduction or
reference. Following up once is fine, but if you don't hear back, assume the
other person isn't comfortable granting the favor and let the matter drop.
Often, people who do not really want to do what you are
asking will say that they are going to think it over. In that circumstance—the one
that the article is thinking of—a follow up is acceptable. When the person
fails to respond it is best to move on.
Surely, you see that it is better to let matters drop than
to pester people and to force them to state explicitly what they have been
trying to tell you implicitly.
It is bad to force people into overtly rejecting you.
2 comments:
I've seen many of these before, and it seems all start with treating other people nicely, with respect. Wait staff, anyone with a "lowly" job, may be part of the test you get on applying for anything.
I retired after 40 years (VN/Civ Svc). I v v rarely encountered disrespect or vulgarity in the first 30. I was so unconsciously PC, I didn't even use racial epithets in VN.
The last 10 years were v different. Frequent Stern Seminars on Sex Harassment, Racism, Sexism, Bigotry, Vile Language, Lookism, and much else. I was reprimanded for saying "uvula".
During the same time frame, there was an upsurge of poisonous behavior. Sadistic and/or exploitative bosses. Rude and/or backstabbing co-workers. Law of the Jungle attitudes.
I got out just in time. I'm sure it's worse in the Private Sector. Paradoxical, eh? -- Rich Lara
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