Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Bossy but Unsatisfied

Oh, my! Oh, my!

Ms. Bossy is having a problem. She’s so completely befuddled that she has written to Emily Yoffe, author of Dear Prudence.

You see, Ms. Bossy is a strong woman. She is in control. She is in charge. One suspects that she even climaxes during sex with her husband. And yet, and yet, she finds herself unsatisfied.

Having succeeded in taking charge of her husband, she now wants him to change his stripes and to become an alpha male. She wants him to ravish her in bed. One imagines that this has something to do with feeling like a woman, as opposed to feeling like a feminist.

It’s cognitive dissidence at war against itself.

Ms. Bossy—my epithet-- doesn’t say that she is a feminist, but you do not have to read between the lines or peek beneath the sheets to know that she is. It’s also easy to see that her husband is a good feminist, a sensitive, caring, compassionate soul who is happy to see her reaching her full potential by living out her bossiness.

Here is her letter:

I'm a take-charge kind of woman, and my husband normally is happy to let me control most situations unless they are serious issues dealing with our family. Our marriage works on that capacity. The trouble I have is, in the bedroom, I actually want the opposite. I want him to take the lead, be more commanding, and me to be more submissive. He goes along, does what I want, and half the time I have to guide him, goad him, and tell him to tell me what he wants or just simply do it. I'm finding it difficult to have a discussion with him about what turns my crank per se. Our sex life is good, we both walk away satisfied, but I just know it would be so much better (for me) if he went outside his normal personality a bit. How do you suggest I go about telling him, hey, I want you to be more demanding/bossy/alpha/dominant in bed?

Of course, the irony is especially rich: she is bossing her husband around and telling him to be more bossy.

Emily Yoffe gets it:

It is somewhat ironic that you're in the position of saying, "OK, next on the agenda, I order you to stop taking orders from me when we're in bed, and start acting more caveman. I want you to drag me by the hair (don't pull really hard, just kind of tug) and take me against the bathroom wall when we're getting ready to go out because you find me so sexy you can't wait." The reason the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy was such a sensation is because lots of women, even alpha women like yourself, want to feel taken in bed. But when you are an alpha woman and you have an egalitarian relationship, it's hard to say, "Please be a beast!" 

Yoffe recommends that the two of them have a conversation, but, it seems that that is more the problem than the solution. They have been having conversations. During the soulful communications she expresses her feelings and tells him what her needs are. Were he to do as she says, he would be playing a role in her script, thus, conceding his free choice, whatever is left of it, by taking orders from her.

One fears that this woman is in one of those situations where you can’t get there from here.

If she really wants him to become more of a beast in bed, she will have to learn to behave differently, to give up power, control and command, to become more feminine. Perhaps she would like to do so. I suspect that she doesn’t know how.

The unspoken side of the story is that if this goes on very much longer she will feel compelled to find someone who will ravish her… only it won’t be her husband.

Having turned hubby into Casper Milquetoast, she will now go looking for a biker dude, a bad boy, someone who is so completely incult that he’s never heard of Betty Friedan or Gloria what’s-her-name.

She will, in other words, find someone who will call the bluff, who will disrespect her sensibility, who will be the man that her husband has been warned not to be. She will find Macho Man… though probably not in the Village People sense of the term.


Dennis said...

There are only two words one has to know to get a complete picture of the problem, "ME" and "feminist." She has essentially made him into a human dildo and then wonders that there is no excitement in their relationship. Another feminist who equates the word "climax" with satisfaction.

Sam L. said...

It's good that Ms. Feminist has found that all is not right in her world. Perhaps if she asks/begs her husband to take her as a pirate does a wench...

Anonymous said...

The Atlantic specializes in this stuff. In a recent Women's Group piece by Sandra Tsing Lo, all the women (including her) had the same plaints.

They demand compliant men who do housework and cooking, and despise them for that.

The men? We don't know. PUA's (see Chateau Heartiste) treat women abominably, and score Big Time. They also despise women. No thanks. -- Rich Lara

Lastango said...

+1, "Anonymous"... they do indeed despise compliant men. As Stuart says, they then go in search of better. Even the presence of young children won't stop them from dynamiting the family.

From what I've read about this phenomenon, about the only thing that WILL actually stop the woman leaving is the prospect of having to pay the man alimony, and to cede half the assets, including an interest in a business the woman has built up.

There's a hitch though: these women are universally older, and seriously overestimate their own SMV. (That's not surprising - the you-go-girl cheering from the sisterhood is deafening.) A bleak future awaits.

John Dudley said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

Most feminism in America isn’t like the one practiced in Sweden. On the one hand, it is true that feminism has a demasculinizing effect on boys in general. Feminists have often denigrated ‘manly’ things as aggressive, violent, cruel, barbaric, oppressive, ruthless, and hostile. Some feminist educators, allied with castrated male counterparts, want to degrade the spirit of competition in schools. Some schools don’t even keep count of the score, and sports games end with both sides as ‘equal winners’ or some such. We can recount a whole litany of examples of the feminist war on manhood to fill up hundreds of pages.

But as women gained great power in the 80s and 90s, they came to see sex appeal as an additional weapon in their arsenal of power. As women comfortable with their feminine sex appeal, they naturally sought out men with masculine sex appeal. A woman could be a power player AND a sex symbol, whereas early feminists believed that a woman had to choose one or the other: to play the game, you couldn’t be a dame. But later feminists came to realize that they could play the game and still be the dame. Sexiness, which had once seemed to be owned by men, now came to be a weapon of women themselves.

But more importantly, the new feminists came to demand more from life. They got good jobs and money and lots of freedom. The won high positions and accolades. And so many opportunities were availed to them. Also, powerful women in the entertainment industry had to admit that sex appeal was very profitable, and they weren’t going to sacrifice billions in profits out of some ideological fixation to early outdated feminism(of struggle than enjoyment).

Feminism went from struggle for freedom and power to taking freedom and power for granted(and seeking the hedonistic joys that accompanies freedom and power). Once women had the power, they demanded more pleasure, and of course, one of the biggest and most powerful kinds of pleasure is sex. And women find their biggest pleasure in the arms of big, tall, muscular, and big-penised men. For women to find true liberation and happiness, why should they be denied the ultimate pleasures in sex? And to find such pleasure, women demanded muscular studs with big puds than dorks like Pee Wee Herman.

Anonymous said...


Dennis said...

Not so much.

Leo G said...

Yeah, hurtiste style works on a small percentage of the woman. As has been demonstrated ad nauseam on other blogs and admitted by some of the better known "players", their success rate is no better then chance. Between 2-5%. They score women, because they don't stop trying.