Micturate Like a Man

At first glance, it reads like a parody. Has feminism grown a sense of humor? Has it gotten to the point where it parodies itself?

One suspects that it did not have to go very far to arrive there.

Have feminists given up their grand cause in favor of proving Freud right? Are they really all suffering from penis envy?

Are they all taking their cues from Henry Higgins? You remember Henry, the male lead in My Fair Lady, who once famously asked: Why can't a woman be more like a man?

The more you read Katy Waldman, the more you suspect that she is not kidding. Of course, she cannot announce the news with a straight face, so she wraps it in something that resembles humor.

It turns out that the big, bad patriarchy has forced women into the undignified posture of having to squat to pee. OMFG. I am not going to suggest that you try to visualize the indignity, because good feminists are certainly up to that challenge.

You recognize that it isn’t a joke when you read that when good feminists face a gross and manifestly unhygienic toilet, they think to themselves that no man would ever submit himself such an indignity. That’s why the patriarchy created urinals, so men did not have to pee sitting down.

By the logic of the argument no man has ever had to perform any excretory function seated. WTF.

So, a San Francisco feminist, a Stanford grad who used to work for Michelle Obama, invented an easy-to use device to allow women to stand up and pee. It’s a wet dream come true.

Will college feminists now start a campaign to have urinals installed in Womyn’s Rooms across the nation?

In some parts of the world—think India—toilets are so filthy that women need to have one of these little gadgets. But, in America. The mind boggles.

I am imagining that most of the women who constitute the market for this gadget use public restrooms that are designated for women. It feels like a fair assumption. We accept that America has not yet arrived at the point where it has dozens of different restrooms to accommodate Facebook’s dozens of different gender identities.

But then, how did it happen that these restrooms got to be so dirty? If men were not allowed in, how did they become such a health hazard? The mind boggles some more.

Waldman writes about the latest feminine hygiene aid, Stand Up. I assume that the called it Stand Up because Lean In was taken:

Like the Shenis and the Go Girl before it, Stand Up is about empowerment through both hygiene and body language—after all, hovering uncertainly over a grimy toilet seat and possibly peeing down your own leg is not just a public health risk, it's also demeaning. The patriarchy does not suffer a squat.

But then you say, this has to be a joke. Could feminists have developed a sense of humor? It's probably too much to hope for.

Waldman encourages her fellow feminists:

So stand tall and stand proud as you micturate like a man into a little pink envelope that looks sort of like a party hat.

Party on, ladies.