Tuesday, February 16, 2016

God Bless The Onion

God bless The Onion (via Instapundit):

WASHINGTON—Moving quickly to begin the process of filling the unexpected vacancy on the Supreme Court bench, President Obama spent much of the weekend compiling a shortlist of gay, transsexual abortion doctors to replace the late Antonin Scalia, White House sources confirmed Monday. “These are all exemplary candidates with strong homosexual values and proven records of performing partial-birth abortions, but am I missing anyone?” Obama reportedly asked himself while reviewing his list of queer, gender-nonconforming, feminist Planned Parenthood employees, all of whom were also said to be black immigrants. “I definitely have enough post-op transsexuals on the list, but it is a little light on pre-op candidates. And I should probably add a cop killer or two on here just to round out my options.” Sources later confirmed that Obama was attempting to rapidly narrow the list down to the single best nominee to submit to the Senate in hopes of wrapping up confirmation hearings before his choice had to leave to attend the Hajj pilgrimage.


Dennis said...

One of the things that makes satire so good is that it is so close to the truth that one might be fooled into thinking it might represent the truth. I have to admit I laughed at this for a number of minutes, read it to my wife who laughed as well after almost "tossing" my coffee on my iPAD.
Given the Obama administration and its concern about anyone other than straight, "normal," christians, et al,actual citizens it is not hard to picture them with a "white board," excuse me for my racism in calling it that, listing all the qualities that fit anyone other than those listed above. Just think of the extra points for selecting a candidate who meets the quota driven list and also having a person who hates the Constitution as well? That "merit" thing is so passé.
I suppose the only way to point out the ludicrous is to be ludicrous.

Ares Olympus said...

Coincidentally Scalia himself was interested at least in religious diversity on the Supreme Court and recognized that a group of Jewish and Catholic Lawyers ought not be deciding for every religion in America, although the ruling doesn't actually requires every religion in America recognize Gay Marriage.

The Court’s “naked judicial claim to legislative—indeed, super-legislative—power” bulldozed the right of the People to self-government, said Scalia, who then turned to the peculiarly unrepresentative composition of the Supreme Court itself.

Scalia noted that “the Federal Judiciary is hardly a cross-section of America.”

“Take, for example, this Court,” he said, “which consists of only nine men and women, all of them successful lawyers who studied at Harvard or Yale Law School. Four of the nine are natives of New York City. Eight of them grew up in east-and west-coast States. Only one hails from the vast expanse in-between.”

Scalia then observed that not “a single evangelical Christian (a group that comprises about one quarter of Americans), or even a Protestant of any denomination” is to be found on the Court, which currently consists of six Catholics and three Jews.

How can such an elite, homogeneous committee presume to legislate over a constituency that finds itself as wholly unrepresented as do American Protestants? he suggested.

“The strikingly unrepresentative character of the body voting on today’s social upheaval would be irrelevant if they were functioning as judges,” Scalia continued. “But of course the Justices in today’s majority are not voting on that basis.”

To underscore the gravity of the Court’s action, Scalia compared it to England’s treatment of the American colonies before the war of independence. The justice said that in its hubris, Friday’s majority decision had perpetrated a more serious offense than the one that ignited the American Revolution.

Indeed, “to allow the policy question of same-sex marriage to be considered and resolved by a select, patrician, highly unrepresentative panel of nine is to violate a principle even more fundamental than no taxation without representation: no social transformation without representation,” he said.

While The Onion's 2013 prediction wasn't quite accurate, although perhaps more sensible.
“I’m a strict Originalist, Mr. Cooper, and I’m looking at a 14th Amendment that forbids any state from denying any person equal protection of the law,” Associate Justice Antonin Scalia said. “So, unless we are the most uncivilized society on the face of God’s green earth, I think we can all agree that a gay person is in fact a person. So what I’m saying is, who the fuck are we to tell a person who he or she can get married to? This is dumb. Can we talk about a real case now, please?”

There's still a chance that Obama will nominate a Protestant or evangelical Christian to save American from Israel and the Pope.

But we know the Republicans will reject any nomination out of principle.

Sam L. said...

Bad news! I read at Instapundit The Onion has been bought by a Hillary supporter.

Sam L. said...
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