Dave Barry Bids 2017 Adieu

To welcome in the New Year incorrigible humorist Dave Barry offers his comic assessment of the now-departed 2017. I know you are not going to miss it. Neither is Barry.

In the interest of comic relief, I happily share a few of Barry’s bon mots. In the interest of propriety and decorum I refrain from commentary. If you would like to read the whole thing, click on the link to the Washington Post article. You won't be sorry. 

Barry opens by describing the political battlefield:

On one side are the progressives, who refuse to accept Donald Trump as president, their reasoning being that:

1. He is Hitler.

2. He is literally Hitler.

3. He is LITERALLY WORSE THAN HITLER.

On the other side are the Trump supporters, whose position is:

1. You lost!

2. You whiny liberal pukes.

3. SHUT UP, LOSERS.

On to… the Russians:

Meanwhile the big emerging journalism story is the Russians, who, according to many unnamed sources, messed with the election. Nobody seems to know how, specifically, the Russians affected the election, but everybody is pretty sure they did something, especially CNN, which has not been so excited about a story since those heady months in 2014 when it provided 24/7 video coverage of random objects floating in the Pacific while panels of experts speculated on whether those objects might or might not have anything to do with that missing Malaysian airliner. You can tune in to CNN any time, day or night, and you are virtually guaranteed to hear the word “Russians” within 10 seconds, even if it’s during a Depends commercial.

With a word for Neil Gorsuch:

The biggest political story comes at the end of the month, when Trump nominates Neil Gorsuch for the Supreme Court, noting that the letters in “Neil Gorsuch” can be rearranged to spell both “Heroic Lungs” and “Lunch Orgies.” Democratic leaders pledge to give Gorsuch a fair and open-minded hearing, then destroy him.

United Airlines shows how to treat customers:

In aviation news, United Airlines (“The Fidget Spinner of Airlines”) breaks new customer-service ground when it decides that a 69-year-old passenger who has already boarded his flight must be “re-accommodated” via a technique similar to the one the Mexican army used to re-accommodate the Texans at the Alamo, leaving him with a concussion, broken teeth and a broken nose. At first United’s CEO defends the airline’s actions on the grounds that, quote, “We have the collective IQ of a starfish.” But after a firestorm of public outrage he apologizes and promises that in the future United will employ a “more humane” re-accommodation policy based on “respect for our customers and, when needed, tranquilizer darts.”

And then there was the Mueller investigation:

Under intense pressure to do something, Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein, whose name can be rearranged to spell “Snootier Nerds,” appoints former FBI director Robert Mueller (“Mr. Leer Trouble”) as special counsel, with the power to, quote, “investigate this Russian thing until the Earth crashes into the sun.”

The White House offered some lessons in executive management:

In other news, Trump’s appointment of Anthony Scaramucci as communications director triggers the resignation of press secretary Sean Spicer, followed by the departure of chief of staff Reince Priebus, whom Trump replaces with John Kelly, who immediately fires ... Anthony Scaramucci! These events reinforce the growing perception that, in terms of managerial sophistication, the Trump White House is basically a Chuck E. Cheese’s with a Rose Garden.

Given that the Washington Post is owned by Jeff Bezos, Barry adds a few words about Amazon:

In business news, Amazon purchases the state of Montana, which the retail giant plans to use, according to its press release, for “storage.” Coca-Cola says it will replace Coke Zerowith Coca-Cola Zero Sugar, which as the name suggests contains no sugar. It does contain rat poison, but marketing studies show that consumers are much more concerned about sugar.

And a few words on the new radical politics:

In other protest news, police in Berkeley, Calif., battle anti-fascist activists, or “antifa,” who fight fascism by violently assaulting anybody who might do or say or think something the “antifa” deem unacceptable.

On the political front, Steve Bannon resigns as chief White House strategist so he can spend more time killing puppies with a hammer.

Topping it off, Hillary Clinton refused to do the gracious thing and to go away:

Speaking of excitement, Hillary Clinton, responding to the insatiable public appetite for reliving the 2016 election over and over and over, comes out with her new tell-all book titled “You Idiots,” in which she candidly reveals that she was in fact a superb candidate and charming human who totally would have won the presidency had it not been for — among many other unfair obstacles that were unfairly placed in her path — James Comey, the Russians, the so-called electoral college, Bernie Sanders, the Democratic National Committee, Anthony Weiner, sexism, Barack Obama, the media, her incompetent campaign staff and the frankly unacceptable stupidity of the American public. Next stop: 2020!