Less Talk, More Action

Here it is, another fine piece of advice about relationships. And about how therapy culture advice causes more trouble than it’s worth. It’s from Susannah Breslin, posted on The Frisky.

Given that every therapist and every advice columnist tells women to talk about their issues with their male significant others, you can feel fairly confident that this is bad advice. You can feel even more confident that it is good for the business of therapy.

Breslin opens with a few words about the influence of the therapy culture:

For as long as many of us can remember, we’ve been told that if we’ve got a problem, particularly a relationship problem, the answer is to talk it out. Go to a therapist and talk to a shrink about your issues. Boyfriend or husband acting distant? Well, you better talk to him about that. Not sure what to do about a problem in your life? Get on the phone, send an email, heck, Twitter it while you’re at it. It’s all talk, all the time. But what if sometimes, particularly when it comes to relationships, and especially when it comes to men, you may be better off not talking about it at all? Don’t get me wrong. I’ve been brought up in the Let’s Talk About It era along with everyone else. I’ve watched all the talk shows, and I’ve been in talk therapy, and I’ve had a string of relationships in which I was hellbent on talking about whatever relationship issue needed airing out. I get that, a lot of the time, talking works. It takes what’s hidden and makes it public; it allows people to feel like their inner conflicts are being heard; and oftentimes it bridges the gap between two people looking to connect.

The problem with this advice is that women are far more comfortable talking things over than men are. Thus, believing that conversation will solve a problem requires a man to play an away game. In conversation, women have home field advantage.

Instead, many relationships in tough times become a tug of war in which the woman tries to get the man to talk about his feelings, and the man, who may be disinclined for a variety of reasons in that direction, withdraws from her desire to talk, talk, talk about it….

Recently, a study concluded that when a couple talks about relationship issues, men get more anxious and women relax. If that’s true, what good does talking about the problem do — for men? And where’s that gotten you?

Breslin notes that men and women are different. They communicate differently. Thus, if a woman wants to communicate with a man she would do better to play Frisbee than to demand an in-depth conversation.

Men are different. They communicate differently. We all know that. Let’s start acting like it. I believe men don’t believe what you tell them — they believe what you do. Instead of talking the issue to death, try anything but talking. It doesn’t have to be a lifetime commitment to silence, but what would it hurt to experiment with the concept? Have sex. Play Frisbee. Cook a meal. You might find that turning your relationship into a safe haven from relationship discussions will lessen your need to have relationship discussions at all.