The Absolute Worst

Polly says that these in-laws are the worst. The New York Magazine advice columnist declares straight out that the people described in this letter count among the worst human beings imaginable. Excepting rapists and murderers, of course. Surely, the situation described counts among the most horrifying ever submitted to an advice columnist.

Polly is entirely correct. It’s no contest. A woman has, in person  and through her husband, informed her in-laws that she has a severe allergy to mushrooms. Being exposed to them causes her to go into shock… to the point where it puts her life in danger.

What do the in-laws do? Or better, what does the mother-in-law do? Why, every time the daughter in law comes for dinner Mom serves something with mushrooms in it. She has even added mushroom powder to certain dishes. Mom believes that the allergy is not real, that it is just a question of not liking mushrooms.

Perhaps these people are sociopaths. Perhaps they hate their daughter-in-law for reasons that have nothing to do with her allergy. Perhaps they are simply too ignorant to understand the meaning of a polysyllabic word like allergy. Polly will suggest that they be asked to Google mushroom allergies, but  that assumes that they know how to read and write. I have my doubts. 

So, here’s the letter:

I have a very severe allergy to mushrooms. I carry an EpiPen, and I have been hospitalized multiple times because of exposure to this food. One time, I began convulsing in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. My husband politely explained this to his parents when we started dating, and I was invited to family meals.

Since then, most meals we have shared at my in-laws’ house have had very limited options for me. Somehow, they manage to find a way to add mushrooms to almost everything. One time, they made a point to make a special plate of mushrooms and pass it around. My mother-in-law said, very rudely, “I would’ve liked to add mushrooms directly to the salad, but SOMEBODY has problems with it!” They even added mushroom powder to the mashed potatoes at one holiday dinner. My mother-in-law claimed it was a new recipe she’d found.

I literally held my breath as the mushrooms passed in front of me at the table that day. That was extremely dangerous for me. That food could kill me. What’s worse is my husband told me that mushrooms were not a common dish served by his parents before he started dating me.

When I was pregnant, my husband told them we would not take part in any family meals if they didn’t promise to keep the meals allergy-free. His dad said, “We can’t promise that. Everyone except your wife likes mushrooms, and we’re not changing what we eat for one person.”

My husband’s sister even called me up, angry about the fact we would not be attending a party at her parents’ house. Yelling that I was overreacting and that mushrooms are “not a poison.”

This has caused a huge wedge between my husband’s family and us. We no longer spend holidays with them and rarely speak. They don’t get to see their grandkids, even though they live very close by. His sister stopped talking to us. He has a brother who still reaches out and is kind to us, but he acts as though his parents are just set in their ways and we should forgive them and move on.

Short of taking them a doctor’s note, telling them my allergy is real, I’m not sure what to do.

My husband supports me 100 percent, and he is very angry and hurt by their actions. But at times I feel terrible that I am the cause of this rift, and I just want a happy family.

HELP!

Disrespected Daughter-in-Law 

Disrespected is not quite the word here. As Polly points out, the in-laws, either through stupidity or malice are trying to kill their daughter-in-law. Polly is a nicer person than I am so she recommends that the woman and her husband bring them a doctor’s note. Again, this assumes that they know how to read and write. And Polly is more optimistic than I about their ability to respond to rational argument. If they refuse to accept the word of their son why would they accept anyone’s word?

If they have a computer and know how to read, I would happily send them a copy of Polly’s column. Or else, I would share the information with other members of the community. If the in laws live close by, they all probably have friends in column. A little gossip campaign might be helpful. Let these in-laws answer in the court of public opinion. A little shaming can be helpful in such situations.

As for the intermediate term, I believe that the couple has done the right thing by shunning his parents. And that should include ceasing all communication with them. It's no real loss. They do not deserve to be part of their children’s or grandchildren’s lives.